I have something to say, and it regards the recent questions that were asked of me from Mach1 and Cat04 about what would I have done/become if my marriage hadn't made it, etc.
It opened my eyes to something that I'd seen before, hadn't thought much about, when I first came back along; but it REALLY got socked home to me today:
The difference of where I stand and where you stand in our respective journeys.
It seemed to me; AFTER answering again, that I didn't answer in a way that was understood, neither the first time nor the second. And I don't like times like that; when I'm drawing blanks.
Cat04, was correct in her assessment that I was having a problem understanding the questions that were asked. No, she didn't post that but it came across loud and clear.
I've thought it about it deeply all day; and came to this conclusion: I am UNABLE to answer questions of those type at the place I stand in now; plus I will NEVER have any answers in that particular arena, they are not necessary in the stage of growth I'm in now. They've been answered for ME as an individual; but I really don't remember how I answered them, except to say I'm where I'm supposed to be now, and am comfortable with my life as it is.
To explain:
After all this time I have made it to a different place in my life, NEVER to return to those times ever again, as I will not live through this again. I remember some things as a fact, but did not retain the emotional memories of that time.
My memories are fragmented,and broken from time and healing. My healing has been complete for some time.
I have been through, not just my husband's crisis, but my own; with my "coming out" two years ago after around six years of processing through.
I could and did answer questions of that sort at the time of my husband's crisis; and I answered these same questions in my own, as I was going through the reflective phase, in BOTH journeys I undertook.
It was like I had to be sure I was making the right decision in both instances. Once settled, they were gone, relegated to a place in my mind; that I don't worry about.
This was a normal process for what I went through during that time. And, I believe it happens, also, to all that navigate successfully through.
These same questions were a necessary part of my growth and of the settling down that came with the emotional/Midlife adjustment/transition into the second part of my life.
When I finished; the door was closed forever, and I have NEVER looked back, nor questioned my decision to continue my life as it is. The ONLY second guessing I did was during my husband's MLC. I just had to look at the issues during mine; before deciding again, that I would continue. No one's life is perfect; but, as I have said, I live with the consequences of my decision, right or wrong.
And I'm really NOT contradicting myself. It had bothered me that I was unable to answer effectively; having forgotten that I've come a LONG way since I was here before.
The truth is this: most of you are in one place, and I'm way ahead in another; on the "other side" of this, if you will.
I can help in some aspects, but not others. And, as I stated at the beginning of this thread, sometimes it takes the musings of several people to give an answer to any questions that are asked.
I have changed a great deal more than I had ever thought I had...and I was up front about having forgotten quite a few things.
To be blunt, it doesn't make any difference what you THINK you would have become, or should have become; if different things had happened. The truth on that is; you are given a choice, you make it and you go on with your life, living with the consequences of your actions, just as I do, and always will.
There have NEVER been any right or wrong answers; just decisions to make. As long as you do the best you can with what knowledge you have, you'll get through, and life goes on.
All I can say is this, and maybe it will help:
Each person walks his/her journey ALONE; no one can do it for you. It does NOT matter whatever the status quo may be at any given time for ANY person in their life.
All that really matters is that you take the journey to wholeness, and learn the lessons that each person must learn in this life.
Just like your MLC spouses have/had to take their journey and it has NOTHING to do with you; likewise, it will be and is the SAME for YOU. Your journey has NOTHING to do with your spouse; that is YOURS alone. And when you make it through, you'll answer many questions of yourself; then break through to the "other side", eventually forgetting all of this, just as I did. And YOU, too, will most likely be as unable to answer these once you've come through and healed; because you will have settled that same issue within yourselves. And these same questions will not matter to you, either.
My journey, as I see it, was mine, alone, no one else's. I have shared what happened to me, yet, no one will walk my journey the same way I did. There are many differences in what I went through..the issues were similar, but how I got to the end is not the same.
All I can see is ahead of me, and it's up to me to make this the best future I can make it. I have occasional memories that come up out of the blue, but they never stay long enough to really affect me.
The past is something I cannot change, so I continue to move forward.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
