MLC - standing by my man

[Mila]

The bomb came in September 2009. It was the week of our 32nd Anniversary. He had to go away on a business trip so we had no celebration planned. I received a bouquet of red roses and a card that simply said, "I love you, Happy anniversary" on the morning of his departure.

Usually he would take time to write me beautiful, meaningful cards or poetry and he would give me a gift. But I didn't think much of it since this was few days before our actual Anniversary and he would be gone on the day of. I figured we would celebrate when he comes back.

On the evening of his return I had a nice family dinner prepared and a card with a gift waiting. The gift was our original wedding bands. We didn't wear these for a long time - they didn't fit anymore. I had them sized and polished. I was so happy with my idea to do this and was looking forward to his reaction when I gave it to him.

We had dinner and he opened the card - the rings were in the card. He just looked at me strangely and didn't say much. After a long moment of quiet he just said “Thank you” - that's all. Now, that was strange - not like him at all.

Later that night my computer didn't work so I borrowed his laptop that he had with him on his business trip. I noticed a file on the desktop that said "Latin", I don't know why, but I clicked on it. It was a love poem that he wrote. The file was created on the date of our Anniversary. My first thought was that he wrote me a poem after all. But then the alarm bells went on in my head. It was not the kind of poem he usually writes me, it was to hot... passionate... lover's poem… and....he didn't give it to me... it was written on our anniversary…but not sent to me. I had to go for a walk to think about this, but I knew something was not right.

When I came back I confronted him. I said "I found this beautiful poem on your laptop that you wrote on the eve of our Anniversary is that for me?” He was quiet. Then I finally asked, "Are you having an affair? He said, "Yes, I was planning to tell you next week”.

So that’s how I found out about the OW. He admitted that it’s been going on for 6 months.

We started dating when I was 15, got married 5 years later. Our bond was strong our marriage was great – so I thought. We were great together, envy of all of our friends - single and married. We went through so much together, so much fun, and so many memories…. We lived on different continents, build few business together, we did everything together. We were always there for each other. He was my husband, my best friend and my business partner. I would trust him with my life.

As with every long-term relationship some years were more challenging then others, but we always worked through all obstacles. 20 years ago he even had an affair, but we worked through that as well. It made our marriage even stronger and I didn’t even dream that it would happen again.

Our daughter was born 16 years ago and I can honestly say that he was the best dad that I could ever wish for her. We were so happy. Our family was the most important thing for us. So what went wrong…my guess is Midlife Crises.

I guess I didn’t see the signs at the time, but they were there. Now that I look back, I can see it clearly. It slowly started when he turned 50. That’s 4 years ago. I know that in his mind he had set some goals for himself long time ago, one of them was that by the time he is 50 he would be independently wealthy and would be able to do the things that he always wanted to do, but could not.

Well he turned 50 and he was not where he wanted to be. Since then he has been expressing unhappiness with his work, with our business… especially in the last year. That he does not like what he is doing anymore, that he is sick and tired dealing with “stupid” clients…you get the picture. It got worse last year, our business was suffering because of the current economy so there were added financial pressures…that didn’t help his mental state.

In the past four years he also started obsessing about his health, his fitness, started taking all kinds of supplements, vitamins. Hair thickening products. Got very involved in running. Last year even ran ½ marathon. Lost about 25 pounds. Changed his diet and started using anti-wrinkle creams.

And another big change – his clothes. He was always the kind of a guy that said, “If it’s not comfortable, I won’t wear it”. Fashion was not his priority. I was buying all of his clothes for him for the past 30 years. Well now dressing young is very important. He shops where my daughter’s 16-year-old boyfriend shops, wears tight jeans and printed T’s. Went from boxers to briefs and the list goes on.

I know aging is a big issue for him now; he is trying to stop the clock so desperately. He is trying to change so many things in his life to make him self fell better.

When I look back I see that he has been withdrawing from us since Summer 2009. We used to spend evenings as a family and that changed. He started to go to his home office most evenings. He has a very nice set-up there with leather sofa and big HD Flat screen TV and the excuse to go there was to watch sports.

The anger, moodiness, depression, short temper, criticism and unhappiness with everyone including the dog really started when his affair started – in April 2009. I had no clue about the affair, but we did have more fights and I felt constantly under attack no matter how hard I tried to please him. We had few discussions about the way he was. He even apologized and said that he knows that he hasn’t been a very good friend and husband lately and that he feels down and doesn’t know why and that he will snap out of it.
I even jokingly said, “You are probably going through men menopause”.

So now back to the affair. He met this women in one of his running clinics she has been married for 20 years and has two kids. He told me that he is in love with her and that they want to be together and that he will leave us. He moved out 2 weeks later.

This is a very long post and I’m tired, more tomorrow.