Thanks for clarifying what confusion might look like. Now I'm confused about whether H is confused or not
I have to confess, I chuckled at what you said, LOL!! This is never easy to unravel. I think you're seeing him as presenting himself as something he's not; at least not the husband you once knew, right? It's an alternate reality for him; it is as he sees himself NOW in the present time. This description, plus, I saw your signature, indicates that he's in Replay with the overtones of Denial, some leftover Anger, and a small amount of Depression mixed in.
What you're seeing is an attempt to return to something that was..and that is confusing enough to YOU, as the "sane spouse" trying to hold things together.
To you, it's confusing, to HIM it makes perfect sense. And, in hindsight, as time goes on, there will be things you'll see more clearly, plus stuff you'll NEVER have answered, or answered to your satisfaction. I've been there.
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But there are the red flags too. Before our M he did have a brief affair and that was confronted and patched over. He brought that up right before he left me 2 months ago, saying that I begged him to reconcile and that I would make changes that according to H I didn't stick to. Not at all how I remember what happened! And it's not like I pressured him to marry him 2 years later either -- that was his idea with no pressure on my part. In our M our H has had a huge amount of freedom and virtually no expectation to report his activities to me so he's had ample opportunity.
Sounds to me like he was justifying his actions, and twisting HIS truth to make it look like YOUR fault. Don't you believe that; you KNOW the actual truth, Flowmom, and that is all that matters. They are the masters of headgames and the twisted word. It also seems to me that he's suffering some guilt, and it could be over what you describe before you got married, or maybe not; they exhibit guilt over a number of things, and it's not always what you think. Sometimes, when they DO talk, it's surprising what they talk about...and it may have NOTHING to do with what you think it does.
That's why you gotta keep letting him go for now; I would certainly hope he doesn't start a MLC affair or do something worse. So far, if I understand this right, there's no sign of OW?
There is no rule in MLC that says they have to go and get their own OW/OM to complete the picture. In fact, some drink themselves half to death, dabble in drugs, and do other "running behaviors" that "dull the pain" of life. And some just want to be left alone on their own, and do nothing but hide out most of the time...and that doesn't always indicate Withdrawal...they can be frightened most of the time; of what, I don't know.
Your post is strong, to the point, and you're trying to understand...and I understand how that is.
But all the understanding in the world won't reverse NOR fix this...only time, letting go, and dealing with issues as they come about is all you can worry about for now.
Oh! And work on yourself, but don't let that be last in line. You are what's important at this time, not him.
Don't give him any more head time than you have to; it's not worth all that..and it can drive you totally crazy trying to analyze their behavior.
Take care, Lady.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
