(April 2009) After being married for 23.5 years my W gave me a letter stating that she did not feel connected to me and that we should start exploring possibilities for the future. Our two oldest children were already out of the house and our youngest would be leaving in the Fall. I had been a pretty emotionless spouse and father (other than the yelling and bad temper) all of those years and she had tried to get through to me and had been pushed to the brink of leaving several times but with no family near by and three kids she never was able to do it.
(June 2009) Discover EA who she has also been dating when W accidentally sends me a text message meant for him. This is the trigger that tears the walls down around my heart and I am a new very emotional man who is willing to do anything to save his marriage. W notices the change and ends the EA in order to give me another chance. We go on a marriage retreat and I think we both enjoy it but W wants that feeling all the time.
(July 2009) Spend some time in the basement in order to give W space but move back upstairs when youngest comes back from summer camp. W tells me that she is having a hard time with kissing me while we are making love. (Big warning sign that I did NOT pick up on).
(August 2009) W comes back from IC and tells me that she is committed to this marriage 100% but that lasts for at most 4 weeks. W sees a different counselor and then I see the counselor and then we meet together and the counselor recommends D and annulment because that is what my W wants. I am devastated.
(September 2009) W begins second EA on Facebook with a different person from her past. I have moved back down into the basement as our youngest has left for college.
(October 2009) I tell W that when she is gone to visit family and work at the end of the month for 3 weeks that I will move out and that when she gets back she will have her “space”.
(November and December 2009) Miserable in apartment and lose 20 pounds. Still Christmas carol with wife between Thanksgiving and Christmas but it is HARD!
(January 2010) W comes to my IC and I state that if she wants D then she should be in the Apartment and I should be in the house. W agrees and she finally grieves something (the loss of her home for the past 18 years) and we switch on Jan. 14. Jan. 21 first meeting with D mediator. Does not go well. I will need to pay maintenance to her for 8 years + $200K for half of assets. W says “that’s fine” I say “that SUCKS!”. W doesn’t talk to me for a week. W calls on Jan 30 to have lunch and discuss settlement offer and I ask her when she grieved the end of our M and she tells me 8 years ago!
(February 2010) W goes home again and sees EA but when she gets back gives me clues that it has also run its course. Needs distance from him and doesn’t see herself dating for a while. Let’s me talk more than I have been able to without stopping me to say “This (D) is happening”. Another good sign. Second D mediation meeting finished and we agree on a lump sum maintenance so I don’t have to pay for 8 years. Go out to breakfast afterward and I ask her if we could have a “date night” once a week. She tells me “NO” and that it may be a year or later before that would happen if ever. W tells me other stories about how the eight years went pretty fast and that she stayed for the kids and hoping that I would have a better relationship with them. Picked up DR at the library two days later and read for the first time about WAW syndrome and finally figured out what had happened to my W!
Like I said, W is pretty adamant about D and annulment. Papers will be filed on March 15 and the D will be final on June 15 so I have 3.5 months. I have started my DB coaching with Chuck. I have Gone Dark and I am GAL with rehearsals for a show I’m in and choir at church and a men’s group at church and doing IC. Also have lost 32 pounds from a year ago! Just not sure if anything will have an effect on W because even though I believe the EAs are over she has NOT changed her course at all. Thinking about asking someone else out on a date and I’m also preparing for a visit from FIL and his GF who will stay with me because there is NO room at W apartment. Trying to detach and let go and work on me and leave her alone because there is nothing I can do for her. What exactly is “dropping the rope”? Is it similar to “detach and let go” or something different?
W still loves and cares for me and wants to be “best friends” (I think this is cake eating) and has said all the usual ILYBNILWY, “we just aren’t compatible”, “I don’t think I’ve ever been IN love with you”. Sex life was the only thing that was great during our marriage (but almost always initiated by me) but she is a former sex abuse victim and I was just continuing that pattern and not knowing it.
Would love to have a one or two day intensive with Michele but not sure if W will ever come around to that in the next 3.5 months.
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
