Flowmom, no offense, but I read the link and it doesn't really sound that informative. What I mean is it didn't really talk about the effects of staying overnight one night per week versus 2 or more...it just came across as "children should never be aware from their mothers."
Check out this link to my state's parenting plan sample schedules, broken down by age group:
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Yes, they got back midday today. And they are intact
Originally Posted By: newmama
Flowmom, no offense, but I read the link and it doesn't really sound that informative. What I mean is it didn't really talk about the effects of staying overnight one night per week versus 2 or more...it just came across as "children should never be aware from their mothers."
Check out this link to my state's parenting plan sample schedules, broken down by age group:
I see what you mean about it not being informative. I like how the doc that you linked to describes children's needs and signs of distress, but I don't like how prescriptive it is and I don't think that it necessarily fits our family. Part of the context is that we practice attachment parenting, which is something that H has been mostly supportive of.
Please no debates about pros and cons of attachment parenting in this thread...I'm not open to discussing that here.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
OK Flowmom, now I understand why you chose that article if you follow attachment parenting! That makes sense!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
You know your H better than we do. Is he even going to read that whole article? I don't think I would. If thats the case does that change the way anyone is thinking about this?
You know your H better than we do. Is he even going to read that whole article? I don't think I would. If thats the case does that change the way anyone is thinking about this?
Yes, H is a big reader and he would read an article if it was on a topic important to him, which this is. Having said that, the article is weak and I agree with newmama's assessment. I'll try to find a better article.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Your spouse is in huge conflict. The good news is; and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now. The competition that we believe exists with the Other Person is a shallow, empty reflection of God's light in this world. It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush.
Their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now. Though the need to go back again and again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong, they do not like what they are doing.
Their actions toward you, the children, the Other Person, and themselves, as well as God, keep them from engaging in any type of real interaction with any real depth and truth.
All they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life. Yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lies down, regardless of whom is next to them.
They are the living cliche of 'no matter where you go, there you are.'
They are lost to themselves.
And you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home, even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing the beacon.
You become the lighthouse. You fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary.
Just visualize yourself as a lighthouse.
You offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get. You invite them toward it. Let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way.
You cannot trust them right now, but you know that, so they can't hurt you right now. They will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better.
You show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions. Set clear boundaries that the Other Person is not part of your children's lives...without Love Busting. Offer alternatives that let them see the children, but be clear that the Other Person is to have no access to them. You fill the children's lives with stability. They deserve it and need it more than anything else.
Do not discuss or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements. Seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly.
Your spouse is very lonely and sad right now, but that is ok. No one can stay very long in that chaos. Remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos, and eventually they will see that you are the only one who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most.
Be the lighthouse.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Fm, I am 100% with you on the security bond issue. I have not allowed my S to "stay at dad's" yet and I hope not to but H is bringing it up. I would love to send him that article, but he is an intellectual and will laugh off the source. If you can find something more "academic" would you let me know?
I think the email was perfect - rr's version even better. CLear, concise, non blaming yet firm. SEnd it!
