THESE ARE JUST MY THOUGHTS from what I read, Clife, so read with that understanding.

Originally Posted By: Clife
2wks ago i said he needs to make his mind up and decide if he either wants to work really hard at our marriage or Find somewhere else to live.


If I had left my H, my M would've been over for sure. My W did ask me to leave, but I refused. We separated in the same house. It was much easier on the kids, plus over the months, I began realizing she does love me. Reading books like, "improve your marriage without talking about it" helped put some DB things in perspective for me, and gave me a lot more hope.

Things aren't solved yet, but for your sitch, I wonder if:
- kicking him out will help at all. You were in the affair, not him. I'd guess he'd just get angrier with you, not closer. He probably expects that the miniute he leaves, he'll be paying for you to go out with this OM. Why would he work on a R with someone who hasn't got 100% of her heart on him?
- the DB books suggest that saying "I love you" is sometimes more of a problem during these times. I'd agree. When my W said it, but I couldn't reply, it was just like in the books - I only felt guilt.
- I gave my W some ultimatums over our separation, which to me was more of a boundary than ultimatum. I told her she needed IC for her self-esteem. I also told her I wanted her to accept that sometimes, I would not talk about R problems if I felt she was being rude/criticising. I told her she needed to accept that I needed some time. What boundaries could you set that would be to help pull you together?

I go on the computer a lot, too. The book I mentioned helped me understand how she (or you) might feel when that happens. Still, she will have to accept, as you might, that reductions can happen, boundaries can too, but they need to come from the one with the problem. You can ask, but it is up to him or I to do the change.

Side note - if your on antidepressants, do you know how they affect your decisions with your H? Later in life, you can end the meds, but a D can not be undone.

You said that you love your H. The DB techniques I've read about seem to say that if you want your M, you need to leave things that are wrecking your M behind. THEN, over time, he will, too.

I completely understand that leaving the OM for your H seems like a waste if you think your M can't survive.

But, I doubt there are very many men that will be a 2nd place keeper. You really need to end the OM connection, and tell you H, if you want your M to have any hope. Even if you didn't tell him the details, they will eventually ruin your M if you try to have both plates of cake.