Bill, again thanks for what you wrote - yeah, I'm looking at a future where I'm doing these things. It's hard to overstate how important my boys are to me, but yeah, as everyone, I'm used to the partnership parenting. I do expect my W to see them almost daily, if she's got them after school - it's going to be a 50/50 arrangement - but that partnering is not the same as making a home toegether, obviously. But I think I can do it. So your post was encouraging.
I question my continuing to post, because again I'm past DBing now. I guess I still need the contact with everyone here who can relate. Hope you guys don't mind. It's funny the steps that you observe yourself going through, you didn't see them coming - seems I've taken a step in the last couple of days in really feeling like an intact unit. Feeling much less like half of a divorcing couple all of a sudden and more like a guy with a life to invest in. Maybe part of that is this plan to move back into the house and buy her out, that I can envision a future. Maybe it's knowing she's seeing / seen OM this weekend, and really feeling that it's her life, she can do what she wants.
She left a message on Friday, and I can honestly say I have no urge to call her back. Don't feel like I need the contact, like it does anything for me.
I've been making a lot of phone calls to old friends and family over the past months, wanting to talk, needing support - and all of a sudden I'm feeling like I don't need to do that so much.
I actually felt a moment of contentment last night, with the boys in bed, and sitting down to read - a moment where I wasn't trying to distract myself, but was actually able to take a breath without some trace of sorrow. or anger, or something having to do with this situation - to feel positive. Maybe that sounds small, but I recognized it as something I haven't felt for a long time.
I did buy "Learned Optimism" btw
Processing this stuff: you know we hear all the time about the state of marriage in our society. I was doing web searches last night on divorce, and noted the articles that came up about, if you're not getting what you need out of your marriage, don't continue to invest in it... decide if you should get out... Our therapist clearly was on the side of, why should you stay in a M if you're not happy... I've thought about how disappointed I was in my W that she just gave up. It's easy to say, your values suck, you lied to me about your commitment, etc.
I'm not sure what I believe about marriage right now. I did believe that it should be until death. And I believed my W believed that too.
Clearly our culture doesn't support that idea.
I wonder if believing that led to behaviors of taking W for granted. I don't know, I was living with a depressed woman for a long time, she was no picnic in a lot of ways, and not once did I think of trying to get out.
I do think that my focus was on the life and family; the partnership rather than the relationship.
I've got things to learn from this. And it's going to take time.
Well, I'm sure I'll have more to say on this later. I suppose this is just my journal now. Funny, not really knowing you guys, but I greatly value this interaction. I had a friend tell me, nobody's going to know what this is like without having gone through it themselves.
