If a woman OR a man is simply too far off the scale of normal for whatever reason, then I just don't know if the advice here on this thread will be relevant to them.
...I just don't see you having many options other than to leave, or to go without. You say that being the considerate/consulting lover appears to be your only option...yet that option is not providing you with any "great" results, as far as I can tell. You simply have to think it over and decide for yourself: is it really a NEED of yours, or would you rather stay married to this particular woman?
...The only dignified options are to stay married and accept your fate, or leave and try for a different life. I am sorry it comes down to that and it such a difficult choice.
...The question is, is your wife damaged sexually in some way? DQ
A few thoughts.
Even though my wife may be considered "off the normal charts," I have been helped by the SSM forum greatly as well as greatly helped by MWD and her book the SSM. While you are probably right about "this tread" (on how some women view/need an alpha male in the bedroom) may not provide much help for me, I have gotten support and advice from people in SSM's who have faced greater starvation that I.
What I tried to point out in my earlier post was something I learned recently about emotional overload causing my wife to emotionally shutdown and to also point out that being an alpha male in the bedroom is something that needs to be approached with caution by a reader of the SSM forum, as so many of us SSM-males are in a relationship where the bedroom is filled with emotional landmines. While a discussion on alpha males in the bedroom might be fine for other forums like newcomers, piecing it together, 180's, etc., it seems a bit much in the SSM area to me. I may be wrong in that, but that is how I saw it.
Getting back to support in this forum, I have learned so much in just a few months. People like SillyOldBear, SSMGuy, Bagheera, TeaEarlGrayHot, and others who "have been there and done that," have suggested books that really helped me and have urged me to be patient and slow down my quest for healing my SSM. Because they have been where I find myself and have perspective, this forum has helped me a lot. While I intuitively knew I needed to GAL, specific suggestions and the book NMMNG were truly helpful.
One of the things I have been particularly impressed with by some of the SSM forum participants is their "love/devotion" to their wives even in an SSM. I just finished the book Mating in Captivity, which is about how familiarity is necesary for a long term marriage and yet the unfamiliar is required for true erotic/hedonistic passion. It talks about ways of consentually structuring the "unfamiliar" into a long term marriage as a way of puting the X in sex. I also got through with a 2-day Gottman Institute workshop last weekend that demonstrated how much my wife and I have in common in terms of values, morals, life visions/dreams, and concern/respect for each other and yet we are in an SSM and working on breaking free of gridlock on sexual frequency.
I do think that I have another option besides resigning myself to near celibacy or divorce. That option or hope is to communicate my needs, get help from therapists for my wife and myself as a couple, work on GAL, and making her feel loved as best I can, while being very clear about my trying to decide on ending the marriage or not. So far it has been very hard, but I am seeing some change and have hope for the future. The considerate/consulting lover is required to build the trust of my wife, it is not begging for sex or to me a sign of weakness, just one of learning how to not violate a delicate trust as my wife attempts to open up to me. I am sure, for my goals to be reached, it will require huge change on the part of my wife and a statement of how much she really loves me and trusts me to put herself through that much change.
I want to give her the opportunity to make those changes, if she wants to, as I dearly love her and always will. While I have changed and am "leading" by example, I am doing everything I can think of to give her support and a helping hand in her potential change. Part of this is because I also know that I and my past behavior toward her have been part of the problem that caused her to withdraw from me. Another part is because I really want to be with her and have us both find happiness.
I am so happy that you are finding happiness with your husband, that you could extend your honeymoon, and that you have found the alpha male and sex that you need. Good luck to you.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
