Am I in the right place? Need advice and support.

[Clife]

Hi,
I've been following these boards for about 6mnths. I did post something in newcomers way back but was so overwhelmed i couldn't continue.
At my most optimistic I think everything will eventually turn out ok but then i get my dark moments (more often than not) and feel like i'm the lowest of the low.

My background, in as brief as i can make it:I've been married for 17 years and for the last 9 years my H has been working away from home during the week and returning home of a weekend.
This worked for quite a while but the last 5 years has been tough-money, illness and job worries has played a part in our sitch.
About a year before my H was seriously ill I began to feel isolated and lonely. I'd always supported him in his career and am very proud of the strides he's made but i stupidly didn't always voice my worries because my H never liked confrontation or negativity.When i said several times please take time out to spend time with me, the 3 children and help me do the major things in the house he would always say 'yes i will' but nothing would ever materialize. My resentment built, but I felt I couldn't voice it too much as we were always in the thick of something or other.
We had several lows but never enough for him to finally sit up and take notice. All I ever wanted was for him to stop obsessively going on his computer as soon as he hit the door and to notice we existed. To listen and want to spend time with me and the children. But i always justified it with , 'he's been ill', 'he's worried about finances' etc. I hated making waves. And I suppose I really wanted him to make changes because he wanted to be with me.
I know he loved us but it didn't always feel like he did.
I'm ashamed to say that i eventually met a man who actually listened to me, wanted to be with me and i told my H i wanted to separate.
Even when I was telling him I knew I still loved him but there was something that said 'he will never change enough to make u happy'.
I now just wish I had listened to my inner voice that was saying please don't do this, he doesn't need to change, YOU do.
If I had made the changes to myself without going outside the marriage I know he would have followed because i would have been a happier person. Does that make sense?
My relationship with the OM lasted 10 wks, when i reached an all time low, knowing what i really wanted was for my H to 'want' me back again. I desperately wanted my best friend.The best friend you once had but lost sight of.

Anyway, sorry this is so long and probably doesn't make too much sense. I know for sure it misses out so many details.Its been a very long few months.
My H never left the house at the weekends. He refuses to 'talk' about the relationship but doesn't seem to want to leave permanantly, yet whenever I ask 'what is he thinking of doing', he replies he doesn't know. I used to be in tears when i asked but i've now become much more rational. I cry a hell of a lot, but try to shield myself from him.

2wks ago i said he needs to make his mind up and decide if he either wants to work really hard at our marriage or Find somewhere else to live. I said we could sell our house and sort it out that way etc. He said he would make time to give it some thought. He came home last weekend and never mentioned it but came up to 'my' bedroom(he sleeps on the sofa) and got into bed with me, he does this when it suits him, when he needs me i hope, does this mean he does love me or am i being naive?.
I am always so grateful that he comes to me that I am so upset when he doesn't the next night and then find i can't face him and tend to hide in my room all Sunday. I know its pathetic and i so want to snap out of my lethargy.. I tend to relieve him, theres no LM as such. My closest friends and sister tell me to stop doing this but i really want to atone for what i've done and make him happy. But when he gets up and leaves I feel worse than ever.

I love him. How can I make things better? can I make things better? Or will he never forgive me?

Theres so much left out i'm afraid, as it would take forever to read.. I just know there are some very wise people on this board and I know I will not be favourable because i've caused my H so much hurt but I really want to put our family back , because I love him so very much and my children deserve the best we can give them.
I'm on meds for depression at the moment ,but i know i should have been on them at least 4 yrs ago. I guess i never wanted to admit i was that low. Which of course is really stupid now I see.

Thanks for wading through this mess of mine. I hope someone can give me some insight as how to proceed. Or if indeed i am really in piecing at all.
Clife