OK I have to start a new thread. You all were right. She has been totally having a full-blown EA and once or twice PA for months. I am such a dumbass. I haven't confronted her yet as I wanted to get all the info I could but it's hard to look her in the face without wanting to vomit. The woman I, two months ago, described as being one of the most honest people I know has been lying to my face for 8 months. Ugh. I installed a program on her computer that sends me emails with who, what, and where she has been on the internet. Holy crap was I shocked. She has been having webcam sex with some old boyfriend right in the room next to where my kids sleep. Not only is my W in love with this jackass, who told her up front that he won't leave his wife, who happens to be a CEO, but she's hooked up with two other guys as well.
I am getting all sorts of different advice. Some say to wait until after the divorce is final before I say anything. Others say don't say anything at all and still try to bust the divorce. Some say kick her to the curb. Others say she needs help - that she's confused and may have an addiction to the affair rush. I tend to agree with the last one from everything I've been reading. BTW she's been looking at lots of porn too.
So I figured I'd get some more opinions here at the DB forums. There are some very knowledgeable people here and I'd like to hear what you guys think. If you have any questions please ask.
You can link to my original post below at My Sitch.
Thanks so much,
MICrazy
Me: 45 W: 43 M: 10 T: 15 S7 S3
My Sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...823#Post1942823
I don't understand what the whole "Friend of the Court" things is. Do you have a lawyer? It seems to me that you need one, and you should give the L all of this info to advise you on what should be done. You need to look out for the children first, and her new lifestyle is not going to be in their best interest.
I don't understand what the whole "Friend of the Court" things is. Do you have a lawyer? It seems to me that you need one, and you should give the L all of this info to advise you on what should be done. You need to look out for the children first, and her new lifestyle is not going to be in their best interest.
Hi Shocked One,
Yes I do have a lawyer but she says that if it doesn't directly affect the children, ie. they don't see it, there's nothing they can do. My interests lie with my kids and that's why I think I need to confront her on this, sooner rather than later. I just want to know the best way to do it.
The Friend of the Court talks to the divorcing couple and gets their income information as well as what the couple wants to do as far as custody. They then make a recommendation to the court itself as to who should get child support, etc.
Me: 45 W: 43 M: 10 T: 15 S7 S3
My Sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...823#Post1942823
Okay then. You got the info you were looking for then. You confirmed an EA/PA (I don't care if she is seeing them in person or not, it is still a PA in my mind if it is involving someone else even over the webcam), I say confront, but DO NOT give up how you came across the info. Do not tell her you installed the keylogger. She does not need to know how you got the info. I have no issue with bringing up infidelity to the WAS's. I also say you talk to the OM's W. As long as the two of them are involved in any way with each other, she has the right to know. Unless the two of them are having no contact what so ever, his W has the right to know. I say you seek out PuppyDogTails, or GucciLoafer on here, they are better on this subject than me. Shock
Tell her that she doesn't need to know the details of how you found out, just tell her that you know and you've taken action.
Let her know that you plan to expose the affair to the OM's W, if he's really a CEO, I'm sure his wife won't mind knowing that he's screwing around behind her back. If she gives you a crap response over this just tell her "ride on the fantasy merry go round" wasn't free, someone was going to pay sooner or later and it might as well be both of them since you've been paying a price for all of this up until now.
And then ask her to move out, tell her she should be with him because you don't want to be with her anymore, tell her you're happy this has happened because it revealed to you that the honest person you believed her to be was really dishonest all along and you're nobody's fool.
And.... before you let this turn into an argument, you end the discussion right there and then. You want to turn this dynamic around, you want to switch the power struggle so that you start having some control, no arguing. Just leave after you reveal what your plans are and let her stew in her own juices.
If she pursues you to talk about this, you just tell her "NO, I've decided I'm not living like this anymore and I'm not taking this crap from you or anyone else ever again."
And walk away and smile.
That's it.
No more pursuing her. No more relationship talk. You go dark, silent. You work on you, you become the greatest person you can be. You discover yourself again. You become the best father you can be. Live a happy life.
If she wants to be with you, she'll pursue you and you'll make her work for it, you won't jump at the first sign of attention, you won't take every call, you won't reply to every text or email.
You'll become the WAS and you let her become the LBS.
Very good advice RobX. The only other thing that I could add would be to include that you are not going to share your spouse with anyone else. If she choses to be with someone else, you can not stop her. Make sure to include in all of this that these are her choices that she is not making. You can validate all she says, but do not let her place the blame on you. You can expect her to use major deference to put it back on you.
Kick her @ss to the curb and try to get custody of the kids. And I don't want to hear about how men never get custody...yadda..yadda...
If your w fights you on this, feel free to let her know that in addition to the OM and spouse, you will let her parents, other family members, friends, etc know about her degenerate, depraved behavior in the marital home. ICK!!
And I don't want to hear about how this will "make her mad" or "ruin any chance of reconciliation......yadda.....yadda..."
If you think that this sort of exposure is embarrassing or "fighting dirty," so be it! Your kids should be first and foremost above anything else.
Very good advice RobX. The only other thing that I could add would be to include that you are not going to share your spouse with anyone else. If she choses to be with someone else, you can not stop her. Make sure to include in all of this that these are her choices that she is not making. You can validate all she says, but do not let her place the blame on you. You can expect her to use major deference to put it back on you.
You could but it still talks present tense, you want to talk in the past tense as in you're done, moving on and then act consistently to show this is true.
I wouldn't bother with telling her that those are her choices, that part is obvious, the part that hasn't been obvious are your choices & actions, instead you've been waiting, reacting, holding back, and that is living 50% of your life always waiting for the next thing to do based on what your wife is doing - just move on, actions always speak louder than words.
Don't be an a$$hole or a prick, be pleasant and happy about all of this, you've regained your freedom based on your choice to move on and you're happy because she can have the OM because she can't have you anymore - that's your choice to remove yourself as a list of options to her.
Kick her @ss to the curb and try to get custody of the kids. And I don't want to hear about how men never get custody...yadda..yadda...
If your w fights you on this, feel free to let her know that in addition to the OM and spouse, you will let her parents, other family members, friends, etc know about her degenerate, depraved behavior in the marital home. ICK!!
Argh, I just realized that I made it sound like the kids were in the same room as her when she was doing this stuff. That's just really bad writing on my part. I meant that the kids were in the room next door to her room, which to me is still very upsetting.
Sorry for the misunderstanding.
Me: 45 W: 43 M: 10 T: 15 S7 S3
My Sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...823#Post1942823
Argh, I just realized that I made it sound like the kids were in the same room as her when she was doing this stuff. That's just really bad writing on my part. I meant that the kids were in the room next door to her room, which to me is still very upsetting.
Sorry for the misunderstanding.
No no, we got it. It's only like 1/100th less disgusting.
