Fast track to her divorcing me

[getting2work]

You haven't been at this very long, my advice is to put all thoughts of dating out of your mind until you stabilize emotionally. Try flirting instead: just an occasional smile from someone of the opposite sex can really make your day. You can't date anyone while you're going through this trauma, you will only confuse (and potentially hurt) a third person, not to mention what you'll do to yourself.

Hang in there. Pick up the phone and call an old friend when you get down. Exercise. Volunteer. Put your R and your love life out of your mind for a few hours.

[jasper67]

Sorry to hear about the weather...

I know what you mean about the FB thing and being left out of the decision or the process. I'm right there too.

In fact not even her Mom knew anything until she had made up her mind. Sadly it was her friends, some divorced and one a D attorney, and OM that helped her come to her "decision."

Well- the beauty of a unilateral decision is that they have to live w/ it and any doubts or what not.

I don't really need to worry about the what if's anymore- I was willing, she wasnt.

[g450]

Yeah same here. Tried everything to save the marriage but she was steadfast.

All I can do now is show her what she left behind. And what she left is a better person to boot now. I think she is starting to notice this.

FWIW she actually asked me to have breakfast with her yesterday morning. Wow! We have a kind of give and take relationship now. Guess she wants to be friends. She does things for me and asks me to do things for her so I do not feel like I am a doormat at this point. If it starts to seem that way I will go back into my cave.

Not exactly DBing on my part as I accepted her invitation. What can I say, I like bacon, coffee and bisquits. I now only respond when she calls me first so technically I guess I went grey. At least now she can see all my possitive 180s.

She did ask me for some help with things and I did that as she is also helping me so it's a 50/50 give and take thing between us.

Now if I later find that an OP is involved in her life then all contact from me will be OFF. That would be too painful for me to deal with and our current friendly relationship would die an instant death.

Im sure dday will give me a 2x4 upside my head and remind me that a friendship with the X may backfire on me and may keep me from DBing like I should. I will say that I am aware of this at this point but I need to get a feel for where she and I are. I see her contacting me as a good thing for now. Hopefully it wont backfire on me.

[jasper67]

Lord knows I'm not a great DB-er...therefor I will not yield a 2x4.

I was thinking earlier, reading my previous threads- if that was really my chance at saving the M, man did I eff it up. Pursuit, confrontation, etc- then again- I was being lied to, so best to not act like I didn't know any better.

I think Grey is good- some would say Dark- so she can feel some loss...I'm still trying to do that in my sitch- I guess it doesn't help when I'm walking away to keep looking over my shoulder...still learning and feeling better.

I say enjoy the breakfast, not too much bacon now (lol)...work the 180's, keep it light and make her wonder a bit.

hate to say it, but I'm jealous...

[dday101798]

Im sure dday will give me a 2x4 upside my head and remind me that a friendship with the X may backfire on me and may keep me from DBing like I should. I will say that I am aware of this at this point but I need to get a feel for where she and I are. I see her contacting me as a good thing for now. Hopefully it wont backfire on me.

Ask and yee shall receive, but I'm not slugging just yet.

That said, I see nothing wrong accepting HER invitation. Clunk, clunk, hello! That's her feeling YOU out in my book. At the same time, it may also be those second guessing jitters, but don't cross your fingers on it. From my experience, it took many times of just re-establishing mearly a line of communication. My (x)W and I NEVER had an opportunity to do breakfast, lunch or what not until this last time she reached out to me, and here we are. So, just know, it may fail for now, on her end or your end, should OM still be in the lurking.

Now, here comes the 2x4, but not too bad. I strongly recommend you double think dating new is the answer here, expecially a (W)WW.blahblahblah.chick. That is just asking for trouble. Two wrongs DON'T make a right. And again, experience talking. I figured my (x)W was so determined that she drug OM directly into our kids lives from day one, and it had'nt got better, only worse, meh, what the heck. Made a 'friend with benefits', no serious dating per sae, and at times, I felt as if I'd come home to my cat (versus a bunny) in the dutch oven from that fatal attraction.

And the question was would have been who really did it?

Here's the thing, you love your wife, admit it, you wouldn't be here other wise.

Now, what's gonna happen if you get someone else mingled in the picture on your end. You're having fun, not thinking about any of this at all. Unbeknowgnst to you, your new little friend is attached to you, but your feelings are still with your wife. How do you think that's gonna pan out?

Again, I'm not saying it's right, and I'm not saying it's wrong. But it is defenately either way, something that needs serious concideration. I mean, my THEN WIFE was all over this dude in the middle of the village park for everyone, including our kids to see, yet I feel bad for involving someone else in the mess of things months and months later on.

[g450]

Yes I remember your earlier threads and I did exactly the same WRONG things over and over so dont feel bad.

We tend to seek out places like this and info right when the poop hits the fan or it's already too late.

In my case she made up her mind years ago and I was just going through the typical LBS pitty party, begging and pleading. I was a mess just like you and I was essentially just beating my heart and head against her brick wall.

But because I know knowlege is power I came here and am much wiser now. Still need to practice what I preach even to myself. Damn heart overrides my logic sometimes.

BTW, this is the first month since the bomb dripped in Nov2009 that I have not lost weight. I will need to work on that since my appetite is back. But my brothers seem to have beer and BBQ every single week and I hate to say no to that LOL.

[dday101798]

But my brothers seem to have beer and BBQ every single week and I hate to say no to that LOL.

Now, THAT, is part of GAL'ing.

[g450]

Thanks dday.

Yes she is probably feeling me out. I am doing the same to her. And yes I do still love her. I have always freely admitted this. And will continue to do so.

I have hope but I try not to live my life by it. Any time I talk to her I constantly try to remind myself that she does not want me and kicked me to the curb. I have no anger towards her any more but I do try my best to keep the reality of our dead marriage in mind and I am treading softly.

Always will love her and I have no problems telling any potential date this. I really just wanted a friend for starters but I will be up front about my relationship with my X. I know that there are women out there that just want a friend or a FWB. I have no problems with that.

Now that XW has finally started to warm up in communicating and spending time with me I have decided not to actively persue any dating. Ill put that thought on the back burner for if things go sour between us again or she gets an OM.

Anyway I do have family and friends (both male and female) that I enjoy spending time with. I am building relationships with people now which is a 180 from the person I used to be. I was not very outgoing or friendly when married. I just did not feel the need for friends then because my Son and Wife were enough for me. I am not that person any more.

I have thought about the same concerns and scenario you pointed out and how I could hurt another person or even a 2nd chance with my X. And I actualy have rethought the dating thing because of this. So far I have had no luck anyway so it may be a sign from God that Im not ready for that yet.

As for my friendly relationship with my X, I almost expect it to fail. So I am friendly but try to stay detached at the same time. It's a balancing act.

It's hard to do though as even just seeing her tugs at my heart. Its hurts sometimes. Even harder than going dark as I am finding out. I now understand how going dark was meant to help heal us and help us to detach for our own sake.

Right now I feel that being Grey is my best option though.

[dday101798]

Well, that brings me to a question I wanted to ask earlier:

How did you present yourself during this breakfast?

ie-

ho-hum?
happy go lucky?
Content but on edge?

[g450]

Happy go lucky would describe it best.

We went to the hardware store together afterwards to get a part for her door. We actually had a good time. Friendlier with each other than when we were married. Strange but true.

We used to always argue about little stupid stuff but now we treat each other like you would any other person or friend it was surprisingly pleasant and stress free.

Only thing that hurt afterwards is that she hinted that I needed to leave since she was meeting with her girlfriends. Not reading too much into that so I left and said goodbye. She called me later that night and asked me how my brothers bbq was etc.

I will not contact her again unless she calls first. Im taking cautious baby steps.