Post any questions you might have to me here....

[HeartsBlessing]

Hello Cat04,

As always, thank you for your observations, I always can stand to learn some more.

I took Mach1's questions for what they were and answered them.
I re-read my post; and believe I answered the questions.

Yours seem to be a "fleshing out" of what he's asking.

I feel I would have been a successful person regardless if my marriage had made it or not. It was a place I had to make it to even though I was married, still. That same place would most likely have been gotten to if things had been different and had fallen apart as a result of choices on either side; his or mine.

Being a successful person is NOT so much about what you do, it is about WHO you are and how you deal when facing obstacles and trials and what you become when you're finished with each.
That same success contains elements of an open mind and heart, with capability of seeing the good AND the bad...with the added components of being able to accept ALL that happens, learn from it, heal from it if necessary and get on with your life.

I feel I have done these things and CONTINUE to do these things, and WOULD have done these regardless of how this had turned out. Either way, I would have been just fine.
People are complicated, and in a lot of ways, I'm NO different than anyone else.

I navigate LIFE on a daily basis; dealing with things as they come about and each person must learn to do that, regardless of circumstances.

My opinion, neither right or wrong, just mine.

Would you be this same person now?
Would you have taken the opportunity to grow and heal? Or did you do all of that after the reconciliation?

In first two questions, you were asking me to speculate on something I will never know. To me, that would be time wasted, when I clearly chose a different path.
The "What if" questions would not have been answered to my satisfaction, which is also a reason I didn't chose a path away from my husband. I didn't see that particular reason until later on. That's why hindsight is 20/20.

Yet,
I DID answer those questions, I gave them "most likely, yes" answers..but no one ever knows for sure what they will do if an alternate path is taken. Until the path is walked, no one can know or even speculate.

The third question, the answer is NO, I did not wait until reconciliation to heal and grow; the growing and healing was ongoing throughout, in stages or I couldn't have handled my husband as he came forward.

The total healing from this part of my life came long after reconciliation...but the growing has NEVER stopped; I will always learn something new everyday of my life.

If I had not opened myself to what was possible for ME after I 'got it'; I could not and would not have been able to see the finish line on this, continuing on through this. There was a process I worked though, as he was coming through..the SAME things the LBS' are advised to do, as the MLC'er is doing their thing.

On a side note; I could NOT have written all that I wrote had I still been buried within my own pain, unable to see what was happening.

This sounds like a bit of a contradiction. Which, in reality, it is ok to second guess yourself at times. It is part of the reflection process.

Second guessing, and wondering what it would have been like if a different decision made, to me, is something different.
But then, that's ME, and everyone sees things differently; doesn't mean they're wrong, just different.

Looking at this again, I see you're right, yet another contradiction of a type...but perception is not always a one-way window...it has many sides, many aspects.

Don’t you think all of the time and words put into this would be better spent trying to help people understand that love does not end. It can change it’s appearance but it does not die, just like God’s love for us does not end or die regardless of what we may do?

Goes back to love being a "choice" just as God chooses to love, so we choose to love.

This is but one of many aspects of the trials of life, Cat. Many times in times past, I've spoken of love, and how it changes it's face, never stays the same, it waxes and wanes, etc.
I've also spoken of attaining a human version of God's Unconditional love, and He is the one who bestows that for the asking.
That's but ONE factor in this..there are other things, such as reality of ones situation, the lot that's been cast, the burden that's carried, the decisions that are made, the deep hurt that's sustained.....plain love and doing nothing else, will NOT fix everything; I wish it did. Learning to stand up
We are, through this crisis alone, taught 'self love', which simply means to love ourselves enough to protect ourselves from people who would hurt us. Christian does not mean "doormat" and even Jesus took care of himself in His time here on this earth. Just as He sets boundaries we cannot cross, so must we.
Love must be tough, it must be strong, and the boundaries we are coached to set, are that form of "self-love"..it is NOT selfishness; it is necessary care for ourselves.

People come to the understanding about how love truly works on their own; through their OWN journeys...I can talk until I'm blue in the face, but, in the end, their comprehension will be somewhat different than what I see. Whatever works for their situation is what they will utilize, and it won't always be love in the foreground at all times. And the person on the receiving end of "tough love" will NOT see it as "love". Neither will someone who doesn't understand what love really is..and the Bible gives a full definition. Love is a mult-faceted, non-touchable CHOICE.

We can love everyone but NOT agree with their actions. Yet, that love may not change, because love, is NOT dependent on actions. God loves us in spite of what we do, because He chooses to do this. We love Him because He first loved us.
And showed it in a mighty way. He separates our behavior from His love for us as a person. We need to learn this as well, as this is evidence of Unconditional love.
No matter what people do, we still love them, and will let them go if necessary to keep us from being harmed through their actions toward us.
The Bible says He has called us to peace, exhorting us to let go if someone doesn't want to stay with us.
God is no different about protecting Himself; sin and He cannot coeixt in the same body; and He will remove Himself if repentance is not reached for that sin.
But He STILL loves that person.

There are sins against Him and there are sins against people, but that is a whole other subject entirely. Forgiveness must be asked for and attained from Him and hopefully the people who have been sinned against in each circumstance.

God helps those who help themselves, and that is where people need to begin. By helping themselves….

The Lord also sends people and resources to help us understand so we CAN help ourselves. Without understanding, we cannot move forward, and stay stuck in our circumstances.
He will aid our efforts but will NOT do it FOR us; it is part of our learning.

Until I understood, I didn't know what to do to help myself; I've been there, and so understand very well what you're saying.

My time here and elsewhere is sometimes spent teaching what I've learned to others. And love is but ONE of the many lessons I've passed on to others. I have explained things in many different ways to help people increase their understanding..and I know I'm NOT alone. There are others out doing the same things I do.

I would NOT say that I NEVER made mistakes, nor fallen down, nor done things in my life that I had, at one time, wished I could change. I NEVER say I'm better or worse than anyone else.

If they do not understand, they will NOT attempt to move forward, because of fear, etc. So, I attempt to help expand their understanding, then forward onto other things as they come about.

If we do not stop to help, we are NO better than the person that is down and lacks understanding..and that is my opinion about this.

Yet, you DO have people whose minds are totally closed, and these, you have to let go after a period of time; they will get it or they won't. These are the ones who won't help themselves, so the Lord won't help them.

If we don’t help ourselves, we too may end up traveling the MLC road that we are now only briefly participating in….

Not necessarily.....
Even though I took the journey while my husband was going through the tunnel, his MLC helped to trigger ANOTHER journey, the Mid Life Transition; and this one was MINE.
And it was a ROUGH journey for me.
It hit me by surprise; I'd thought since I'd navigated these deep waters with him, it would "skip" me..I was WRONG.

Regardless of whether you help yourself or not, the Mid Life Adjustment or Transition that could transition into a crisis depending on how you face it, MUST be navigated anyway, as EACH and EVERY person undertakes this journey.

It is possible for one spouse to go through, then the other; or even both to go through at the SAME TIME.

The hormonal imbalance and emotional adjustment; while seen as the same are actually separated, somewhat. As Snodderly says, and she's right..you can go through Menopause and STILL have a MLC.

So, don't think for a second that because you take this particular journey that you will get out of what the MLC'er goes through. It may be in a milder form, or a stormy form, but right through you will go, and when it's time for you.

Sorry, but it's true.

Have a good one.