You know I was spinning, not so much and your right, offering to fix isn't what she wants, they're too strong willed and out to prove you wrong.
I didn't think there was a last ditch effort.
I'm in a good place, listen 95% of this she has known I cared about her, even when she didn't want me to.
I am moving on alittle better everyday, for example no biggie to most but I know I'm in a good place for the first time since you could bite your finger nails, I didn't set out to stop,I'm just not as nervous as I was most of my life.
Anyway I have finger nails,too me, THAT'S HUGE.
I was reading about the doormat, I chose to be a doormat, because that was the right thing for me.
Right up to our day at court, I know every flipping day, I worked at saving this marriage, helping her, protecting the kids.
I'm going to come out of this deal the same way I came into our relationship, broke, basically just the clothes on my back and a good kid, that did the right things.
I've taken on most of the consequences of her actions and you know at times I get ticked, but I chose to do that, it was the right thing to do and it was right for my internal make up.
Ok so far she's spent or cost me over $46,000, I'd lose more, it was only money, not a person, a family or myself.
So anyway, I do have peace most of the time and I do have regret, but like HB has been posting, I did the best I could at the time with what I knew how to do.
Most young couples like what we were wing it and we winged it and did things our way and we did grow apart, we didn't do a good job of living eachothers love languages, ok past that.
I have peace because at every opportunity to let her and kids know, I can and will be there, I have been.
My heart and my mind tell me this is far from over, even with a divorce at some point, she and my daughter, they'll realize, I was their best friend.
Teens they want to mess around and go crazy, but at some point they come back to where it's safe and stable.
I've always been safe and I've had my moments, but for the most part of been stable.
So know with posts you can't really see the person or what we type can't be expressed.
I've grieved, my heart does not hurt like it used to, I only have today and I've gone out of my way to make sure she and kids were comfortable.
I will always have my kids, they are going to know dad has emotions and can be wierd, but that he never gave up or got over.
even on documenting this stuff, sure she'll get her butt handed to her for the stunts, she can't deal with her own emotions so vs letting her turn it on me for "tattletaling" I will defend her to a judge, that hey it's not her fault, I've been pretty clear from the beginning with bleeping everyone, MY FAMILY and this divorce is not a business transaction, we're a broken family, not perfect, but just let us figure it out.
That's how it's always been with her and I since day one, we always figured it out.
I have faith in that, in the mean time, I'm doing what I want to do and I'm going to look at houses in a little bit, and yeah I'll wipe out the rest of the retirement i had to pay taxes, this divorce and a little towards a home.
I may not live to 65 you never know, but for right now NO it isn't the prudent decision and over 30yrs it could be a million dollar mistake.
But I don't like owing anyone and when I tell someone I'm going to do something, it may not be on their time schedule, but I do do it.
I'll worry about 30 yrs from now, 30 yrs from now, but if it becomes final, I'm paying the IRS, I'm paying off the cc's and I'm going to get back to stable.
No I don't always listen and I can be a loose cannon, I know the rules are different with MLC.
I feel good about most of what I have done so far and kicked myself for not listening on others, but see sometimes you have to feel the consequence to learn from it.
