flowmom | shifting from devastated to rebuilding

[flowmom]

I appreciate the support and well wishes.

Thanks for clarifying that H could have deleted the post himself. I'm sure it wasn't by accident because I've never seen anything else disappear, but there could be various reasons for him doing that I suppose. Still smells fishy.

FMy h spent the past two years giving me the impression that he didn't think about me. Added to the fact that in the early days he told me that he never thought about me and didn't miss me it was one of the main things I struggled with a lot. Turns out, as he told me the other day that he thinks about me and the situation 'in one form or another' everyday and has no recollection of saying those words to me 'and they absolutely weren't true'.

Thanks for sharing your experience. I like OP's thread title that refers to navigating without using one's senses and having to rely on the instruments...that's how I feel now when I am trying to make assumptions that aren't based on the evidence of my own experience.

You say that your H is involved with a sport. Has his performance in this sport declined recently? Is this adding to his depression?

H is experiencing minor celebrity through selling videos and doing online coaching in his sport. Due to his age and lack of time for training, he is not at a competitive level in his sport and I know that bothers him a lot.

He has a serious health condition and he may need to be on dialysis or get a kidney transplant in a small number of years (5 years ago he was told that he would be there in a couple of years from now). I think things are looking a bit more optimistic now, but realistically he may already be experiencing depression, brain fog, and fatigue due to reduced kidney functioning (only 40% now). Body/mortality issues are huge for H so any signs of his body's reduced functioning are a huge blow to him.

I have an hour before the kids get back. I'm going to try to deal with the tear tracks on my face, and do some meditation and reflection to try to get back into the NOW, which is where I live. Everything else is about fear and control and that's not helping me.