Positive developments? #2

[jon2911]

Haha. So if/when she moves back down, she can have the smaller place! I like it.

Yep! Hopefully I'll still get both, or they might permanently close it, which would be dumb.

Kev, I was just kidding, had plenty of help. I would have texted you if need be.

Tired this morning, time to push through and rest this evening. Love my new place: two huge closets, back porch, and attic access. I went from virtually no storage to more than I need. I told W to call me the Donald Trump of Glasgow (my street).

E-mail from W last night: "DO NOT Call or text my phone, I think I left it at my Dad's." This is such bull. But it looks to be the status quo for a while.

[MichelleLT]

What about it is bull? That she forgot her phone? Or that she's so intimidated/scared of her dad that she is terrified he'll find out you still talk?

Try and have a little empathy. You guys really don't get it, at a gut level, what it's like to have 50% of the population be bigger and stronger than you. And to have some of them feel like it's their right to try and control you. It's not an easy place to be even when you don't have an abusive past.

[Drew]

I think Jon is insinuating that she didn't "forget" her phone, she just doesn't want any messages popping up on it .....

[MichelleLT]

That would be my first question above.

What about it is bull? That she forgot her phone?

I was briefly asking, if she didn't forget it, where is it, or why doesn't she want anything popping up?

[jon2911]

I do think she forgot her phone, and she's scared to death that FIL will find out we're still talking.

I still can't get my head around a situation where a wife has to hide the fact that she's talking to her husband. In a supposedly Christian family. I'm just venting a bit. The secrecy, the eggshells, it's all trademarks of an alcoholic family. But they look so successful on the outside.

Thanks for the thoughts Michelle. As intimidated as I am by FIL I need to remember that she's even more so. And she's mentioned she's never been able to stand up to him or men in general. No pressure. No pressure...

[MichelleLT]

Vent away!

He's threatened because he sees you as interfering in his control over her. He'll be threatened by anyone in her life that he doesn't feel he can control. Take it as a compliment!

I grew up in a family with a very strong female role model in my mother. I get annoyed with some of my friends that just won't set boundaries with men. They won't say no if they aren't interested, even though their body language clearly says they want out of there. I don't know how many times I have to go rescue girlfriends who have been raised to be so nice that it's unfathomable to them to do something rude like say no or walk away.

That pressure has to be so much worse then it really is an authority figure in your family. I'm reading a book (yes, for fun, laugh at me all you want) on sexual harassment which talks a LOT about setting and enforcing boundaries. It's got my brain going a million miles an hour on all this stuff. And it's reminded me to be more empathetic to women who didn't learn the skills I did growing up.

[jon2911]

Great thoughts Michelle! I'm interested on more of what you're learning in that book.

Came home last night, and the house smelled like paint. I went in my old unit, and couldn't believe my eyes. They completely took out my old kitchen. All appliances, counters, cabinets, gone. Nothing but freshly painted walls. And they took off the lock on the door between the two units. I talked in Spanish to the workers while leaving for work, and they said the had a lot of work to do on kitchen for the inspection. They weren't kidding.

I'm guessing 1. They're removing any evidence of 4 suites prior to the inspection 2. I'm getting both apartments. Yay!

Very interesting talk with W last night, lots of thoughts churning. Will write more later.

[jon2911]

So, I have a friend at work. Figured out fairly quickly that he's gay, and open about it. W is completely fascinated by the whole thing. For example, I ran into him at the gym on Sunday, and this week he came in saying "dude, we have got to get you some better gym clothes". LOL. I wear board shorts and a t-shirt, never thought about it.

Also, he eats very healthy food and reads all the labels. He's there with a plate of steamed brussell sprouts while we eat our typical IT worker crap. I never thought this would happen, but my friend is having an effect on me. I'm starting to realize how much I've started to let things slip.

Talking with W a couple nights ago, she said "hang out with guys like him more and you'll have a much better chance of getting remarried". I played it off, said "what, married to a guy or a girl?"

Later, falling asleep, I really started to get angry. Remarried? And I felt it was such a condescending comment. However, all this did get my attention. I've been sitting in this limbo for 2 1/2 years, just waiting for W to come back and everything to get better. I've really stopped caring about how I look, what I eat, or my house, all with the excuse that I'm separated. I'm tired of it.

The new place, even right next door, feels like a fresh start. Talks with W, even with "remarriage" jabs thrown in, have been much better lately. I feel hopeful. Thanks to a friend at work who doesn't seem to share my sexual preference

[MichelleLT]

Care about how you look, what you eat, and how the house looks/feels. It all affects you subconsciously. You will feel better for a little effort. Glad you have kept up with going to the gym though, so you can't say you totally slipped lol.

Remarriage was a bit snide. But perhaps she meant with her. Don't jump to conclusions.

[jon2911]

Good show Friday night, tiring drive afterward to Houston, but it's been a good, relaxing day today. I'm letting W sleep next to me on the couch, and she keeps waking up with nightmares and asking me to calm her down. She told me she's so tired, but afraid to sleep. After last weekend, I understand.

There's a stack of letters in her bathroom from family and friends, written for her to read at the retreat last weekend. Her Aunt coordinated it, so of course I wasn't included. Stings a bit.

From what I understand, this retreat was helping the women deal with a lot of past baggage and share life stories with each other. I was excited to hear she was going.

She called me several times during the weekend, and was struggling with the whole thing. "One woman asked me how I dealt with my Mom's death, that I must have been angry about it. Actually, I was angry after the divorce several years earlier, and didn't feel anything when she died. They said my Mom must have been a real spiritual role model, but I thought, no, actually, she wasn't."

She told me her story didn't fit the neat, clean-cut stereotypes they were expecting. Happens a lot in church, I thought. Still, after stuffing it all for so long, maybe she's starting to deal with some of this, and I'm honored that she shared it with me.

I'm working out a deal to buy W's couch, kitchen table, washer and dryer. I need it all with all the new space I have, and it saves her Craigslist work. She reminded me that she owes me $200 anyway, so this works nicely. Feels good.

We're planning on dinner and a movie tonight if she feels up to it.