Returned WAW,she had PA, Struggling, Sandi2 help..

[Gynandtonix]

Hi to you all.
Hopefully you are all well, and thank you for asking about me.

Yes I have dropped off the planet.

But now I am a new man, with my head held up and I have regained my self confidence. Truely.

I wont go into my old sitch, the posts are there to read.

My WAW returned on the 5th of December.
She had been gone for almost 4 months.

She dropped the bomb that she had had a PA,(4 or 5 times they had sex), and that she deeply regretted it.
Lots of heart wrenching sobbing,and she told me that she did not know what to do or where to go. She believed that I would not have her back. Only that she had left the OM, and had told him that she wanted to have another go at our M.

I always believed that I would never tolerate and A, and that it would be the end of a M.
But when you are faced with the reality of your love still being alive in yourself and for mine and the kids greater good,The 'soap opera of an all consuming anger' response does not apply.

I then did the wrong things.

I pushed......

And this is where Sandi2 comes in....

When she first returned I kept making small touches and kisses to my W. At first she was responsive, but things just petered off....

I kept initiating R talk. Some of it quite deep....lots of tears ect.

I told her that I wanted to move on very quickly, and wanted to ML........

I wanted lots of physical contact.....

I wanted lots of reassureances.....

I kept saying 'ILY'.....

Silly, silly me.

After 2 months of this I realised that all I was doing was making her uncomfortable and pushing her out of the door.

We have found an excellent MC, who takes no bull sh@t and seems solution focused and makes us concentrate upon 'what works' and gets us to talk about when things were good and why.

She had been back for 2 months when I made a mistake and told her how upsetting it is as there are quite a few reminders about the OM around our home.
She got upset because I had not told her before and that we have had to replace some pretty expensive 'gifts' from him.

The OM....
She can not avoid having contact with him as they are on the same course at college.
This is hard for me, but I have to accept it.
If my W was to quit College, she would slowly go mad at home and make things worse.

He was still texting her a lot. but not now I believe.
Her phone is still on silent.

She told me she has not called him since she returned and has never replyied to a text.
I have chosen to belive her.
Thinking about him contacting her was slowly driving me mad and I have ended up on antidepressants. Now I dont focus on this at all.
I am more focused on ME and my boys.

Back to my W.....

Now as I said before, I have backed off for the month of Feb, and she has lightened up towards me.

I do not make physical contact.

No ILY's

No R talk.

Things have improved.

Now in 2 weeks there has been only 1 R talk - initiated by my W. I did the listening thing and validated her feelings. Who can argue with a feeling, I truely wanted to listen and learn....

Now for the second time I shall refer to Sandi2....

After having pulled back for 2 weeks I chose to return to these boards for advice.

I then returned to Sandi2's first post and just read on from there.
Sandi2 refers to a 'grieving period' She is correct in my opinion and I feel my W is going through this at the moment.

She rerfers to a 'no physical contact' period between her and her H. She is correct and I now see that whenever I touch her, all I do is remind her that she does not feel the same way to me.

She refered to a feeling of guilt and shame.
She is correct as my W has said the same, and I think also that my touching her again reminds her of that shame and guilt.

She refers to her feeling like a 'sister' to her H.

She feels empty and wonders if something was wrong with her because she had no feelings for her H as she used to feel.

She struggled with letting her OM go and tried hard not to contact him....
Same for my W I feel.

I could go on and on and on......

I have learnt that when my WAW returned I had a lot of 'I want..' .
Now I have only 'what works......keep doing it....'

I could have saved a lot of time if I had read her posts a little earlier, but I came to these conclusions on what to do by myself, and have had Sandi2 confirm my thoughts.

I think that Sandi2 is an Angel.
She took the trouble to post and vent, and sometimes some misguided abuse.
But she gives a valuable insight into a WAW's mind.

I think that her post should be available as a link on the main forum page.
I think that it would be a good thing if it were possible to read her posts from the start via a single link without showing any replies that she was given. This would allow people to follow her toughts as a single flow and may give more clarity to her changing mindset.

I have not read all of her posts, I am only upto where she puts her head on her H's shoulder and she feels guilty as he takes too much hope from this simple gesture.

I made a mistake by drifting away from these boards.

I will not make the same again.

I will use these boards to vent and possibly make a journal.

I will gladly accept any insights and 4 by 2's.
I may not agree with them all - but dont blame me for having my own mind.

But most of all I would like any insights from Sandi2.

Simply,

Thank you Sandi2 for your posts and insights. I regard you as an important friend. BIG HUG.


I have a lot going for me - some here have very little...

My W is at home.

We sleep in the same bed.

We talk all the time face-to-face.

The kids have a 'home' with both parents.

My W is trying to repair our R - but at her anoyingly slow pace...

She still cares for me in some ways.

We are attending MC...

But most of all,
I am not focused upon her actions as much and more upon me.

And things are improving......
Regards,
Gyn.[i][/i]