Is this piecing?

[Butterfly1]

Oh we're not at the snuggle phase yet, it's a miracle H can be on the same couch at all with me, clinging to opposite sides, lol.

Help veterens?....

He is still struggling with "he can't get over the past and doesn't trust me". NO jumping in with me yet.Working on continuing to let him go and ride the fence as things are looking up but could still go either way. He needs to figure out for himself what he wants. He's still in victim mode and can't forgive and forget.

Well I guess my new goals will center around more indepenence and looking like the better option while being ok if he D's me. If he can't forgive then he can't forgive. BEing sorry can't take that away from him. I guess I listen and validate? Help veterens?

[MrBond]

Here's what I've been doing with my W. Before she had the big problem with me even bumping into her when we were passing each other in the house.

So what I did was when I interacted with her, I would maintain a certain distance. The more I interacted with her, I would slowly move closer. And I would always give her full eye contact. Now I can get pretty close without her moving away or flinching.

Imagine it like getting close to a scared stray dog. You get closer to show that you're "safe" and earn its trust. This is kind of the approach I've been taking and it's worked so far.

Oh and I would casually touch her in non-sexual ways, like putting my hand on her shoulder, then move it a way a split second later before she could do anything. Very non-threatening.

It takes a hell of a long time, but try it out and see.

[Butterfly1]

OH hey, Bond! I remember you as Stuck. HOw long did it take? ARe you getting any affection back? it's reassuring to know I'm not alone in the hell of a long time to physical connection road. I've been doing something similar, but not wanting to pressure H at the same time. I try to keep distance, but when it feels natural, not pursuing, occasionally I try inching my way over. I'm up to sitting on the couch on opposite sides from being in separate rooms. I get hugs that are stronger, longer, etc now but I still am the instigator which I struggle with. I don't want to be.

Even prebomb, my H was extremely not affectionate. To be fair, he's a cerebral guy, almost a genius, and a computer techie. But the down side is I suffered quietly for years feeling neglected. Now I regret not working on it, but he's quite anxious in the physical realm so I don't want him to feel worse.

[Freckle6]

I'm glad your H is behaving himself! Don't worry about not being dark--that's probably a better tool for when he's being a jerk or you need that distance for whatever reason.

I know how you feel on the 2nd baby. I always thought I'd have more than one kid, but I guess it's not in the cards. It makes me very sad. Our whole mess started when I was pregnant. I don't think my H wants another and I doubt I would ever have enough trust or feel safe enough with him to be in that position again even if he did. My son constantly tells me how he wants a brother or sister. Last summer he declared he has an imaginary brother and sister. Their names are Dan and Elizabeth and seem to be big pains in the butt.

[Butterfly1]

lol I love Dan and Elizabeth! That is hilarious. I was an only child and had a whole host of characters aptly named, 'Pretend Friends' who I played with. Our sons are very close in age - mine was born 9/04. I'm super sad too, but I hear you on the trust thing. It must be very serious for you having had your H leave after your son was born. I know our troubles increased then, but I never thought my H would ditch us. If he came back tomorrow I wouldn't trust him. Especially with all the verbal abuse stuff. If he didn't work on it, I'd have to put my head in the oven instead of try to raise two kids in that situation.

I"m staying internally strong even if not dark. Going dark for a couple days, more of a pullback, was helpful this week when H acted really angry. I am prepared for the worse - and I don't know what would be worse anymore, divorce or reconsiling with Mr. Anger. I'm holding strong that even though he has a list of reasons why he left and should never come back, so do I. I've suffered for years and it will not work ever again with him unless he faces that.

How did you cope all those years having had a H that left so early in your baby's life?

[Lost Rabbit]

Well you know my lad is the only one and ok he would have like brothers and sisters but he has mates who are as dear to him as brothers.

Think Mr Bond has the right idea start gradually moving nearer him and then moving away, and take it slowly, I know a couple of the girls on here who finally got their hubbies as far as the bed said they used to laugh at them almost clinging onto the bed edge for fear they may get seduced!

Keep going slowly, I do think you have faced the worst fear and now you realise that D wouldnt be the end of the world its isnt going to be such a scary thought and that will come through via your confidence!

[Freckle6]

When H heard about Elizabeth last summer, it freaked him out because that was his grandmother's name. But last spring my friend had a baby and her middle name is Elizabeth so I'm sure that's where my invisible daughter's name came from. LOL.

My brother is 9 years younger than I so I was a semi only child. I went away to college when he was 9 and then H and I moved 900 mile away when my brother was 12 and didn't come back until he was almost 18 so it's weird. We're close, but I feel more like a mother to him than anything. H was a "surprise" baby and his brother and sister are 7 and 9 years older than him so he was sort of an only too I guess.

How did you cope all those years having had a H that left so early in your baby's life?

Honestly, it's very much a blur until my S was about 3. Even before he left, he had very little interaction with S. Which was unlike how I expected him to be. From the time we were in 8th grade he talked about having a son. It got more and more urgent over the years because his only brother had only 3 girls. I never got the big deal because our/his last name is only slightly less common than Smith or Jones. At one point after the bomb he told me he was hardly home "because I don't want to get too attached to him".

Having an infant was probably a blessing in some ways. I couldn't curl up and wait to die. Baby needed to be fed and have diapers changed and all that. My MIL was invaluable and would take him for a couple hours every few days so I could be lazy and do things like mow the lawn, shovel, etc.

It's gotten easier as he's gotten older, but it's still hard to do it on your own, as you know. When H and I took S to the Bronx zoo this past summer it was the first time I've ever taken S somewhere where I wasn't the sole person responsible for him and it felt very strange.

[Butterfly1]

H keeps testing, I did ok in my response, not great. Mad at my self but oh well.

I got hired to be in a big play - big production. Plays have been in an issue for us in that H feels resentful of having to schedule out three months at a time around my rehearsals. I stopped doing plays for the past six months and have given H every schedule change he has asked for including same day requests. In the past when I asked about doing another show he said we could work something out.

So when asked to do this show I asked H first. I told him I would not accept it unless he was ok with it so that my son does not have to be with a babysitter much of the time. I emailed him the full schedule and told him I have a couple days to get back to the director. I also told him that I wanted to do it differently this time so that it's fair to everyone.

H emailed me back and said he was confident we could work it out and congratulations. I was excited, but cautious.

Sure enough, Icame home from the first rehearsal last night and asked if H could change tonight Monday, for tomorrow night Tuesday. I know if he had asked me this I would have been ok with it. I knew that if he wasn't ok with it, I would ask my parents.

H flipped out on me, as usual. He admitted he hadn't read the schedule I sent, didn't remember me telling him I had to get back to the director by Saturday, and that he resents this because of past issues. He blew up and then stormed off to bed.

I should have said nothing. I know better than to reason with him when he's blowing up. I know better also to bring things up late at night. I guess I felt tired of walking on eggshells and just wanted to ask for the schedule change and get a yes or no answer like normal people. I should have known I wouldn't get one.

But on the other hand, he could have given me a yes or no and kept his mouth shut until he could discuss all the issues with me in a calm way.

I was afraid it would come to this but everyone kept encouraging me to take the role anyhow. I wanted to decline to keep the peace. But on the other hand, I gave him six months of freedom, not to mention, him leaving us and me taking on the majority of childcare responsibilities. I felt it was fair for me to ask this now.

I guess when he's calmer I will talk to him about my side. However I don't expect that. We're signing the legal separation this week and he's all wound up and in a nasty mood around it. WEll he asked for it didn't he? WHy am I the one having to stay calm here? I feel bad for throwing more triggers in his way this week - more of an excuse for him to say "see nothing's changed".

IN the past I would have freaked out about the separation so he could blame me. Now I am staying calm and just doing it and he can't blame me for his choices.

I fully believe he is the only one stopping us from having a healthy relationship at this point. I am trying my best to stay calm, not fight, and communicate in a loving supportive way. I am going to continue to hold this as my goal. H will either rise to it or move on and I will find it with someone else one day.

So H continues to try to bait me into the old patterns so he can blame me. I am going to rise above it.

BUt I wish I had just shut my mouth last night and let him look like the screaming child. It's hard when you are being yelled at. Next time I want to say "I can't talk to you when you are this way, we can talk later when you are calm."

[Freckle6]

I think you're doing a great job, Hope. Even when you say you didn't handle situations perfectly and that you should have done XYZ, you've shown tremendous growth.

No one is perfect. You will never be a perfect little wife robot that can smile sweetly at him when he goes on like that. We're all human. You have changed massively so give yourself some huge pats on the pack for that.

Congratulations on the play! That sounds like so much fun and you should enjoy every minute of it. H be damned. You deserve this time for yourself. My last acting gig was in the 3rd grade, so I'm impressed by you!

How did you phrase the schedule change request with him? You said you had backup using your parents, so I wonder if we reworded how you posed it to him, if it would change his reaction (if this happens again in the future)?

[Butterfly1]

Good point, I'm thinking the same thing. The first problem was timing. He was already in a bad mood and nighttime is fatal for discussions.

I just asked him plainly if he could switch MOnday for Tuesday. Just like that. He's asked me many times for the same and I've done it. Except for him it's a trigger, a way he has felt taken for granted in the past so I have to approach him differently.

So I could sit down when he's in the right mood, not tired, and I need to get another babysitter as H doesnt like my parents bbsitting. I can let him know I have one ready to go. I don't know. Repeat what I already said? HE gets so worked up I often have to repeat, repeat, repeat, until he can hear me. Repeat that I do not want to tie him to my schedule, I'm willing to be flexible? Help?