You are still very very much allowing your interactions with your H to influence you. Your moods, thoughts, everything. It is evidenced by the difference in your two previous posts.
You really must get a grip on this otherwise you will continue to have anxiety attacks, trouble sleeping, and you will begin to notice that other areas of YOUR life start to be affected.
Is your H lying to you? Who knows…
YOU received a message that HE may know nothing about yet…
Not everything has an ulterior motive or deception attached to it, but when you are in such a confused state, it is hard to see the difference. Which then leads to more confusion and reacting on your part.
Also, you are still worried about receiving D papers and the actual D. While this is NORMAL, it is not healthy for you. YOU are living in a state of FEAR that he may have created but you are perpetuating.
As you continue to live like this, again, you will begin to see your life stagnating, feel more and more like you are losing all sense of control over you, feel lost, cycling, and waiting for HIM to make some sort of decision for you.
I know you read the door mat thread. Jack talked about people who just flounder and do nothing productive with this time. People who WASTE this opportunity, that they have NOT asked for, do NOT deserve, but cannot SEE that it is an opportunity because they ALLOW themselves to become stuck in a “holding pattern.”
You are not waiting for clearance to land….
At least I hope not…
D, step back, take a deep breath, and STOP worrying if you are going to get D’d. It is just a piece of paper. Just ask Trapt and some of the others. The dance continues in MLC…
Continuing as you are, the chance of a rebuilt M, gets slimmer and slimmer.
NOT because of your H…
BUT because of YOU.
You will get tired much quicker this way. You will NOT outlast the MLC this way. You will not grow and heal and you will be Divorced (yes I said the whole word), because you will quit.
And, you will always wonder. Because healing will come after the fact. And with that will come the what if questions. What if I had done it differently? What if I had listened and learned? What if I had just let him be for a while?
You will never know the answers to those questions if you keep going the way you are now.
Don’t keep going in a way that is going to take you down a path of regret…
No one hear, not even HB, can tell you what the future holds with regards to your M. It takes two people, two people with free will, to learn, grow, heal, and choose. Right now, while it is coming from a very fukced up place, you H is choosing himself.
When are you going to choose YOU?
(((((hugs))))
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
