LOL...you guys are funny with the movies...lol. Sad to admit that I've never seen any of the mentioned movies..lol.
I haven't updated but have been following mb28's thread and all the great advice there. Some of the things that stood out are:
(1) NO CONTACT gives both spouses a taste of divorce. (2) Everytime I contact husband or accept contact from husband I am ruining chances to save my marriage.
I know no one has a crystal ball but I am wondering if my stitch has been going on too long and if husband is seriously done with the marriage. Husband has been saying he feels trapped, doesn't want to be married since Jan. 2009 and that is also when I first saw text messages between him and OW. Thought he had stopped (or I just didn't snoop anymore) but then saw other signs of ongoing affair late summer 2009. So now I am asking myself did I put up with things too long? Have I already made too many mistakes to save my marriage? I should have moved out a long time ago, etc.
One question is do you all recommend sending an email stating what "whatnow" wrote on mb28's thread:
"Have you told him how painful contact is while he is seeing someone else? Have you asked him not to contact you? Have you put it in writing so he can refer back to it? Make it very clear you want your marriage but that there isn't a marriage with the way things are now."
I was thinking of sending an email and then going no contact. Or should I just go no contact without any type of call, letter, or email?
My MIL bday party is today and after reading mb28's thread about the protection phase I am now starting to think that i shouldn't go. Husband called yesterday to ask me about bringing some things from apartment that i left and then mentioned that he wanted to ML when he sees me. I had no response and told him I had to go. Then he says so does that mean no. Still no answer because I didn't know what to say. Part of me wanted to say ok but I know now that it is not ok.
BTW, Allen OW probably does not know that he goes to me for support. OW and stepson also live out of town (apprx. 8 or 9 hours away from husband and 15 hours from where I am). Therefore, husband really has a bachelor life set up right now...both kids hours away with their mother.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
The thing about No Contact is that it must be BOTH ways.
HE needs to know what you are doing and WHY. He won't accept it, he will fight it tooth and nail, but he needs to know the score before you cut him out... and EVERY TIME he tries to VIOLATE your wishes by trying to contact you - AND HE WILL - You repeat that position in email or a note of some sort and then dissappear.
I would visit MIL privately when he is NOT there, offer her a gift wish her your best, and vanish.
Establish a third party location where your H can drop things off to you, and you to him... Where you won't see each other... for example at MIL's.
This is how that would work. HOWEVER. Given that he IS turning to you.. this is an interesting one...
I don't believe him when he says he doens't want to be married. What he MEANS is all he can see is the negative aspects of being married while carrying on an affair and he doen'st feel good... duh.
Marriage DOES have a positive light if you look for it and enjoy it... THAT brings back the good feelings again.
Right now he's wallowing in his misery like a pig in the mud.
The thing is... your H has kids so he IS married whether he likes it or not... I suspect the responsability for his children is weighing very heavily on him right now and he hates that feeling... He needs to grow up. Responsability is an unpleasant feeling when you have the maturity of a 12 year old.
I am sorry, I never answered your question about No Contact.
Your case is a bit different... I don't know quite what to do about that one...
I get the distinct impression the BEST thing to do for your H is get him some powerful masculine examples of adulthood that he can feed off of. I get the distinct impression he doesn't know how to be a man particularly because he hasnt' been exposed to any.
And by MEN, I mean adult human males who have embraced their responsabilities and have grown emotionally enough to understand the merit of family, and long term investment in general.
Your H sounds like he likes to PLAY, but when its time to do painful emotional work, he runs like a gazelle in the other direction.
And No, i don't count fencebuilding or heavy lifting of physical objects work... I mean work that requires emotional maturity.
The thing is, with adult boys, they see married men as somehow immasculated, only half alive, and obviously as a result quite miserable... and this likely scares him.
These boys need to see the positive merits of marriage or they will never believe there ARE any and wont' invest in the long term with anyone.
I could be way off here, but that's the sense I am getting from your posts.
Your Husband feels like he's being forced to immasculate himself... which is not a pleastant feeling.
Again I could be way off... I am doing a psychoanalysis of someone I have never spoken with based on some posts in a website forum... not the best material to go on.. lol
I have reread your last couple of posts on my thread and you are once again SPOT ON!! I don't know how you figured all that out about my husband based on what I have written but you are completely correct.
This post is long. The most important facts are the last two paragraphs for anyone that wnats the cliff notes version :-)
This weekend has been emotionally draining for me and I wish I would have done some things different and maybe I wouldn't feel so drained right now.
Saturday: Husband drove into town for his mom's 50th bday. I was in charge of baking "cake lollipops" as favors for his mom's bday and decided to follow through and make them. Husband called around 8am to tell me he arrived in town and would like to come to my parent's house to see our son. I said ok and when he got to my parent's house he gave me a hug when he saw me and said he missed me alot. I hugged him back but didn't say that I miss him (mistake #1). My mom offered him some breakfast which he ate. My dad did not speak to him at all because he is still angry over husband's actions. Later that day I was finishing up the favors and husband had left to run some final errands for the party, then called me to see if I wanted something to eat. He bought some food for me and my parents. My dad refused to eat any food from husabnd so you could feel the tension. My dad just left out the house while husband was here. Husabnd asked if he could take a shower at the house because he was running behind schedule for the party and I let him (mistake #2).
I arrived at MIL party about an hour late but had a GREAT time with husband's family. Husband and I didn't talk to each other too much at the party but husband did make me a drink and made me a plate of food. Husband's cousins then kept asking me if I was going out with them afterwards and I felt very awkard. Only one of them knows that husband and I are separated and she really doesn't even know that at this point it is permanent. His mom pulled me aside during the party and asked me if her son was acting likehe had some sense and treating me right. I told her he seemed to be improving but it was too early to tell and I didn't want to really get into that conversation at her party. She understood and left it at that for now.
I didn't end up going out with husband and his cousin because it just seemed awkard to hang out with husband. During the party husband said that he would be back at my parents house afterwards. I asked husband where he was staying and he said at your parents' house. I guess my face looked a bit shocked and he said am I not welcome there anymore. I didn't know what to say so I said yes but its just that we are separated.
After I got to my parents' house from the party I told my mom that husband wanted to stay. she said she didn't feel comfortable with that and told me that I shouldn't either. It was the hardest thing for me to do but I did text husband and said "I thought about it and think that it is best that you do not stay here." Husband texted back "Ok." and then 10 minutes later responded back "I am leaving tonight." I didn't reply because at this point I begin to reflect on how the entire day has gone and how I slipped and palyed the easy nice girl role for husband when he hasn't done anything to show me that he wants the marriage. Earlier that day we had ML and he kept saying that he loved me and that he had f'd up and was sorry by letting someone come between us and bringing someone in our marriage but never did he say the words "I want our marriage and am committed to you and only you!"
Well, around 215am I get a text from husband saying that he was in an accident with the rental car which was in my name because my car was in the shop. I talk to husband and he sounds drunk, his words are slurred, etc but he explains what happened. At this point I am concerned for his safety because he plans on sleeping for a few hours in the car and then driving back home (6 hours away). He had to come past my parents' house to get his things and when I see his car pull up he never gets out the car. I had his things ready for him so I went to the car and he smelled of alcohol COMPLETELY and was asleep...car running and everything!! I am upset that he was drinking and driving and that he is being irresponsible. My husband doesn't usually drink due to being on call 24/7 with his job unless he takes vacation so he goes overboard when he does drink.
I couldn't let husband sleep in the car soe I turned his car off, dragged him out of the car and took him in the house. So he did end up staying at my parents's house (mistake #4 or who is still counting...lol). I am a sucker and felt bad having a family member sleep in a car. It was something that I couldn't see but now I realize that I allowed husband to avoid consequences AGAIN!
Sunday: Husband woke up feeling sick but then started to ask me why I didn't want him staying with me. I told him that we are either married or we are separated. If we are separated then all this ML, spending the night, hugging, etc. is not fair to me and my feelings and it just confuses what the situation really is. We are not together. So told him understood that he has no where to stay but this would be the last weekend that he stayed at with me. husband again said that he messed up by having someone come between us but that is where he stopped. He didnt say "i messed up and want to work on our marriage." husband then said that he just wnts a man to talk to about how he is feeling. I suggested my dad and husband said no because my dad is biased.
Suprisingly husbad changed his mind and immediately went to talk to my dad. They were talking for 2.5 hours aboout me, marriage, etc. I sat in for some of the conversation in which my dad did a little too much talking and not enough listening to husband. My husband ended up saying that he learns through trial and error and that is how he has always gone through life. My husband also said that he felt like a failure for not succeeding in marriage. He also said that he felt that our marriage suffers because we didn't have time to focus on just me and him because we got pregnant with son on our honeymoon. My dad tried to present him with how some of the things that husband were looking at as negative could actually be positives in building a strong marriage but you have to remain committed and not have outside influences including other relationships, friends.
After the conversation with my dad my husband said that he still felt confused and that he has sooo many feelings that he has been supressing and would like to talk to someone. I suggested a family therapist. Husband asked what that was and I told him basically what Allen has written in these forums. He said ok and then suggested taht he we go to one in our hometown so that way he could also see son once a week. So now we are suppose to be looking for a FT to visit on Monday everyweek.
For the rest of the day husband and I continued to talk but the he still never said that he wanted to work on the marriage. His only focus was that he really needed to work on himself. he said he feels like he is a puzzle and that a piece of him is missing. he said he feels like he continues to feel like his life isn't complete and he wants to know why. he made up his mind that he needed to contact his father and get some answers. Later that night husband's little sister (by his dad) whom he just found out about contacted him and he decided he wanted to meet her b4 he left town. He asked me to ride with him and I did. We met up with his little sister and his dad's wife at a local mcdonald's. I stayed in the car after meeting them and husband went off and talked privately with his dad's wife. husband came back to the car deeply shaken about the conversation.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
