Post any questions you might have to me here....

[HeartsBlessing]

Hello Mach1,

I see a lot of newer posters that seem to define success at DBing by their left ring finger....

The success of a marriage has NOTHING to do with what's on their left finger; I learned long ago that ring is a "symbol" not a feeling. It doesn't matter if the ring is worn or not; if the committment nor feelings are there, it does NOT matter about the ring. My husband lost his wedding band TWICE while in the tunnel; the first time was when he was tangled up with OW..and I knew he'd removed his ring..no telling where he left it. I replaced it,(I didn't get it at first, still thinking the ring meant something) then he lost the SECOND one and the Lord instructed me NOT to replace it until he ASKED for another one.

He did, but it wasn't for well over a year, and I kept getting strange looks from him; until finally he said something about his finger feeling "naked" without it...so I replaced it a final time..he's never lost it again.

The ring meant nothing to him for a long period of time; not until he began to "feel married" again. That was when he asked for another ring.

At another time, before he lost his a second time, I took mine off until he actually noticed it wasn't there, and accused me of "wanting to be single", LOL!! That was funny as all get out; and I asked the Lord what to do before I answered the accusation..and was told it was up to me. I denied the accustion, but I put my ring back on because it was upsetting him so much; and haven't removed it since. It still means nothing to me except as a "symbol" that I'm taken.
Yet, it also means NOTHING to some of these nuts who pay NO attention to the fact I'm married as signified by the ring..and I make it clear when hit on that I am VERY much married.

It was during both of these instances of a lost ring(him), and a ring removed(me), that I was taught that it really didn't matter whether the ring was worn or not.

Those are my thoughts and what I learned. My husband and I love each other and are committed, regardless of what kind of troubles we may have, that is all that matters in the greater scheme of things; the ring be danged.

Maybe you could take some time to post what your views are about YOU if your marriage would not have been rebuilt.

Would you still have lived, and been a better person regardless ?

You are asking about me; and I will give you a little history into what led me here in the first place:

I am now a person of a strength, a firm believer in the Lord, who believes that all things happen for a reason. I was given a choice long ago, when the MLC affair first came to light almost three months after I'd been bombed with his foray into internet pornography.
That led, in a short period of time, to a discovery of his MLC affair.

I was badly hurt, nearly committed suicide, but with the help of the Lord, came through that valley, and started learning what this was about, but got angry, and had decided to leave, because I felt, at the time, I couldn't take anymore pain.
My husband was in OW Withdrawal by that time, she was still pestering him, he was telling one lie right after another and on top of that I was being treated like dirt and worse. AND I HADN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG!!

Someone was sent immediately to interfere with that decision, in fact, the SAME day I was committing to that course of action. The lady that was sent, spoke to me about not making such a hasty choice; as the door had opened to exit the marriage because of the adultery that HAD occurred; he had fallen not once but three times and the signs fell all three times.
I was all over the map; on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and it took me awhile to get myself together long enough to decide what I wanted to do.

There ARE people in this world, gifted with foresight, who can actually see the past, present and future, and ALL gifts come from the Lord.
I was dealing with one of those people at that time. She was speaking to me of events in my life and my husband's life that only I knew, and my husband knew; yet, she barely knew me. I had told NO ONE what was happening to me at that time; keeping it to myself because of shame, guilt, and misery. I didn't think anyone would understand what I was going through..and though I had helped many over time, I was unable to ask anyone to help me. I blamed myself, too, and that compounded things.

The Lord had dealt with her to come to me, and she hadn't wanted to get involved, at first.
By the time she did, it was almost too late; I was WAY out in left field myself; never mind where my husband was at.

She sketched what was going on, first; and told me that he was going through a MLC, went all the way back to his childhood; basically where it all started, so to speak, and told me some things about mine that only I knew about. She couldn't know what she was saying unless the Lord HAD shown her.

And she knew my husband had committed adultery, which was the root of my deciding to leave.

I was told that if I chose to stay with the marriage, that things would come back together into a better marriage than I'd had before, though the path would be a hard one. I was also reminded that I'd promised for better or worse..but yet was told, the door was open because of the adultery; the choice was mine.

They say be careful of what you ask for, you just might get it.
I asked what would happen in either circumstance; whether I chose my marriage or chose to let it go.
I wanted to know, thinking it would help me to choose..in a way it helped, and in a way it didn't.
I still loved my husband, and there was hope as long as I did.

I got an answer in the form of two paths:

To one way, lay a path of total destruction concerning my husband; the other led to a better marriage, although the path would be long and hard.

Either way I would choose, I would be taken care of...but the path of total destruction; showed me the suicide of my husband; he would reach his "awakening" 5 years after going on with the OW; the anguish would have been TOO much for him to bear and he would have seen NO other way out.
He would also have felt that it would have been the point of NO return.
For me, I would have gone on to a place where, though I would have always had feelings for him, I would have no longer loved him.
Yet, when that phone call would have come through I would have taken care of him; and taken responsibility for burying him; as I would NOT have divorced him; but gone on with my life. At any rate I would not have known where to find him..if he'd walked away, he would NOT have notified me as to his whereabouts; and I would not have known until he had died.
And I would have been consumed with guilt and shame; for how long is not known. I didn't take that path, so I will never know.

The other path shown was a LONG hard road, filled with pain, some sorrow, much learning, but in the end I would gain a better man than I had before the tunnel. I was also shown..and it did come to pass, there would be times of second guessing myself, mistakes made and learned from. Yet, things WOULD be better. And it came to pass, as was shown to me.

I chose the path I'm on now, which was attempting to bring my marriage back together. In time that led me here to this board.

The lady I spoke of stayed with me as a guide/mentor for around 3 years while I was gaining in strength, learning the gifts I was being given, helping to teach me how to use them.
I still keep in touch with her, occasionally, but her steady help is no longer needed; she was only with me for a season, then she left me on my own...and I have been on my own for a long time. I learned a great deal from her during that time, and I am in her debt, though she does not see it that way.
The Lord blessed her for helping me, and that is all she sees.

I believe that if my husband had been let go to go to the other woman; in the shape I was in at the beginning; I might not have learned what I did...until much later on. I was still at a place where I was still trying to figure out why it was ME who had to change instead of him. I think, eventually, I would have seen the wisdom to change..but I would NOT have been here, nor would I have held the current occupation I hold now.

That alternate path would have been MORE painful than what I chose, but that is NOT why I chose my current path. Love had a great deal to do with it, and had I not loved him still, it wouldn't have mattered to me what happened to him.....at least until it had to.

That's the history, and it actually happened that way.

Now, all of you kind people here can think I'm all kinds of crazy if you like..but I did see both ends and made a choice because, somewhere in my heart of hearts, I loved him, and I really wanted to stay married if that was possible..and so the door closed forever for me to walk out.


As to what I think I would have done even if this had NOT been shown to me, and someone had NOT been sent to interfere with my decision to walk away, and I'm speculating here:

I believe I would have gone on, probably never remarried; as my husband is and always will be "THE ONE" love of my life.

Eventually, I think I would have learned the lessons; gaining a different perspective of life as it is post-dealing with a MLC'er.

My choices most likely would have been WAY different..I was already being guided toward the lessons, and would have stumbled into them, after getting past my initial anger, I think.

I sincerely believe it would have taken me MUCH longer to reach the place I'm in now, but I think I would have finally seen somewhere down the line what I was meant to see/learn...but, again, it would have taken MORE time, because of the choices I would have made.

It is also possible that if I'd changed my mind and remarried BEFORE I learned all of life's lessons, I would have been set to go through this AGAIN, with added time, been much older, and the situation may have been MUCH worse than what I faced this time around.

What you don't learn the first time, you WILL recycle back through with time added, and a worse situation; I've seen this happen with people before, and I'd done the SAME thing in the past LONG before his MLC ever came about.

Regardless of what happened, I would most likely have arrived at the SAME place I'm at now, emotionally, only WITHOUT my marriage and the alternate path would have taken MUCH longer than the other.

I'm basing that on the kind of person I'd always been; open minded, and always willing to learn, though I have always had many questions in that process of learning.

I would hope the Lord would have been as strong with me as He is now, if I'd gone the other direction..each time I have gone through something in my life, He has wrought a healing in me bringing me past the pain and into peace. But like all things, time would, again, have been a factor.

I have faced the possibility of losing my marriage during this time, and was filled with a knowing that if he left, I would lose nothing, and could accept that. He didn't leave, and that was a bonus.

I KNOW that regardless of what happens, I have gained MORE than I ever lost during this time.
And though, I would have suffered greatly, I would have STILL seen the good that would have come out of all of it.

I do NOT know if this might help answer what you're asking; I don't think there was any real insight here, except into me as a person.
I have NEVER been asked this before, and it was good to have me thinking backwards, remembering, and finally, speculating on what might have been.

On an added note:
No one can really know for sure what they would do or not do if they'd gone another direction.

We can only do the best we can with the hand we've been dealt, learning to live with the consequences of our choices.
The journey we walk is up and down, round and round; sometimes it's fairly easy, sometimes it's really hard...and sometimes, we need help getting over the obstacles we face.
But we learn, nonetheless.

Believe it or not, I have NEVER wondered what it would have been like if I'd taken another path. I have been frustrated and angry, and sometimes had second guessed myself about the decision I made, especially when things weren't going well.
I'm human, after all, just like anyone else, and I hate any kind of suffering..but I endure it anyway, knowing it leads me to a better place in my growth. In the end, I'm always glad I stick with these opportunities for growth, as they continue to mold and shape me into a better person than I was before they occurred.

Only God knows for sure what would have occurred in my life; I was speculating on what the outcome would have been if I'd taken that alternate path I was shown.

I'm grateful I came this direction; and have NO regrets over having not gone the other way..and it was NOT because of the terrible things I saw in that alternate path so long ago.

It was because I loved my husband, and wanted to try my best to do everything I could to bring this back together.
And the Lord knew that, as He knows my heart and what I need.

Just as He knows me better than anyone could ever hope to.

I just know that I wouldn't trade what I went through for all the freedom in the world...it was an opportunity I just could not miss, and hope that what I faced, and the insight the Lord gives me is a help and inspiration to others on this path.

You will meet many people in this life who are ahead of you in their stage of growth, some are behind you..but each person touches your life, regardless.

And you touch theirs.