Thanks! I needed that. This first overnight is hard for me. I'm not worried about them, it's more like:
"hey children, welcome to the life of divorced children, where you get two homes! that makes up for the feelings of confusion, sadness and emptiness right?"
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
<as he left with the two most precious people in my life for the next 16 hours> H: "have fun tonight"
Huh? He hasn't said anything like that since separating. Is that like "way to go with the GAL so that it's more convenient for me to divorce you". I don't think he realizes how upset I am about the overnight. I know. Mindreading. <whacking self with 2x4>.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I don't know. This is no-win. My H notes my GAL and has made both neutral, positive, and snide comments about it. There's no way to know what people think. And it changes every day. But yes, I have thought and wondered what you are thinking above. You don't want him back out of guilt. And guilt just makes them hate you more because it reminds him what he's doing, and what he's choosing, D, is totally optional. So YEAH they want it to be convenient. No doubt.
Do you have something out of the house planned for tonight or are you going to try to enjoy your peace and quiet?
Flowmom, my WH has said the same thing before but by now he knows better- I think they say "have a good time!" to help alleviate the guilt they feel for taking our most cherished ones away for the night due to their selfish needs. Know what I mean? And they can think "hey, a silver lining in this for BW is that she gets a "night off!"
I hope you do something fun though to make the time fly. Heck, even if it's not fun, do something to make the time fly!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
My kids are and will always be my world. On top of all of my H's insanity and what he was doing to ME, when he moved out I had to let him take my kids too??? My H moved out on a Wednesday and insisted that that first weekend should be his. I agreed to that and all other scheduling suggestions, thinking being agreeable would make him see the light (but no!!)......It is hard, but unfortunately it does get easier.
It's been 19 months since my H moved out, and I have finally gotten to the point where I don't mind the evenings alone so much. One of the hardest things for me to accept is that my H would rather put our kids through all of this---living out of two homes, etc.----than do what it would take to fix things, but that's where he is.
I've often thought how much easier it would be for me if my H was a WAS----and didn't want anything to do with the kids, but I know that wouldn't be best for my kids....in the long run. You will get to a point where this will get easier too-----and it is a good thing that he wants to stay involved.
Do your best to find something for YOU---and do something fun when the kids are away. It will make the time go faster, and help you appreciate a little freedom. I've just found that since going back to work full-time (pre-bomb was SAHM) that I just need the free time to catch up and relax a bit.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I know how hard it is to be without them tonight and my heart goes out to you.
One of the things I have finally gotten pretty good at is "reframing" things that are said/written. Perhaps he really thinks he's giving you a much needed break. Whenever I "knee-jerk" to a comment, I stop and put in in a different light. It has taken me awhile to be really good at this and it not only helps me mentally, but I have seen an improvement in my communication with H.
I personally think it is great that H saw those books. As someone else said, he's gonna do what he's gonna do no matter what. Those are YOUR books, for YOUR GAL and mental/emotional health.
I don't know about the time-line thing. I know I am starting to beat myself up for not feeling better 7 months in. But each person and sitch is individual. Is it the same as when moms compare babies? "mine was talking at 9 months!" "well, mine was solving nuclear fusion at 16 months!"
