Running out of time.

[Cie la vie]

DW,

Sorry to hear that. Broken ribs are no fun at all.

Well, I just returned to the office from mediation session #4 and it was interesting. The primary topic of conversation was division of community property. This proved to be a little tense.

The tense issue revolved around the 401K my W cashed out in early Oct. The post tax value was 34K which my W blew through in 90 days. I couldn't help myself and I showed my disgust with this and I questioned her on how that was possible. She tried to explain it away with ridiculous claims about attorney fees, car payment etc. none of which comes even remotely close to explaining how she could spend over $11,000.00/month.

The bottom line is I felt I deserved 50% of the pre-tax value not the post taxed value. The argument on her side was she needed the money to pay her expenses. My argument was she didn't and I also argued we continued to pay full nanny fees $3,000.00/month for five months while she was and stil is unemployed.

This is essentially our mortgage each month going to something that wasn't necessary if she truyly wanted to be a real mother to our children. Instead she spent the majority of this time exercising, shopping and from what I could tell texting and talking to one of any number of OM's she has been working. In including the original A OM.

Anyway, after all that I relented and agreed to except a split of the post tax amount. However, I will change position on this should she seek any child support of spousal support which she is clearly not entitled to. That comes up Wed. in our next mediation session.

One thing that is absolutely clear to me is she has totalled divested herself from me emotionally and is not looking back in the slightest. However, she is neither nasty or mean to me she is simply indifferent to me and my feelings. In fact this has been her demeanor from the day she pulled the pin in Oct.

I find this to be harsh, disturbing and baffling all at the same time. I get the feeling that in her own mind she may feel our relationship from the beginning was a mistake and maybe she never truly loved me. This could be me thinking to much but I just can't wrap my head around her total lack of feeling for me.

I wonder is this consistent with someone in a MLC or is this pure WAW take good care wish you the best behavior?

[ClingingToHope]

I get the feeling that in her own mind she may feel our relationship from the beginning was a mistake and maybe she never truly loved me. This could be me thinking to much but I just can't wrap my head around her total lack of feeling for me.

If you've read the DB stuff, it says the "I never loved you" speech is script. A very good book to read is "I Do Again." It's about a seemingly perfect marriage where the wife loses that emotional connection and feels guilty. The guy is a very good husband, but they are so busy all they talk about is the house and the kids.

Over time, she starts to tell herself they weren't right for each other. They are too different. That she never really loved him.

Really, she was building a wall to justify walking away. This is the thing that falls apart when the WAS wakes up -- if they wake up.

It's very, very common.

The total lack of feeling may also be a defense mechanism. She may just be acting that way because she doesn't want to give any impression that she's wavering or reconsidering.

We can't climb into their heads. If you read the few success stories, the LBS pretty much had given up when the WAS asked to come back or work on the M.

I have a question. Why give in on the 401(k). It sounds like that's something a judge would nail her on in court. Was it a tactic to get something you thought more important.

[Cie la vie]

CTH,

Over time, she starts to tell herself they weren't right for each other.

My W used these exact words "we aren't right for each other". She also said she needs to do a better job of picking her men. All this was back in Oct.

I forgot to mention that during our mediation my W commented that I started to do my own thing every Saturday after I realized there wasn't going to be a reconcillation. I found this comment to be interesting as that was never my thought process. It strongly suggests she had a problem with me GALing for extended periods on Saturday's.

I have always been very active in the outdoors since the day she met me. I have consistently taken a day or part of a day on the weekend to either go rock climbing, mt. biking, exploring in the Mtns and sometimes golfing.

After she dropped the bomb I suspended these activities and stayed around the house which was a 180 tactic. Keep in mind I did not discover this site until late Nov. The problem was she was avoiding me when I was home and she would also sneak around the house to text or call OM1. It made for a very uncomfortable environment and I wasn't about to take that BS. I also felt like suspending my outdoor activities and hanging around the house and her were both seen as ass kissing (not my style). I decided independently it was in both our best interest if I got out of the house to give her her space and provid me with a venue to reduce my stress. I would do my thing on Sat. and I would take the kids on Sunday so she could do her thing. Seemed like a win win for both of us.

Now it seems she viewed my actions as a screw you I'm doing what I want and I'm dumping the kids on you. So I may have inadvertantly reinforced a problem she had with me rather than giving her space as I had intended. Oh well.

I have a question. Why give in on the 401(k). It sounds like that's something a judge would nail her on in court. Was it a tactic to get something you thought more important.

Yes and No. I initially relented grudingly to accepting the post tax split without a trade off. However, this concession will hopefully soften my W up such that she will follow through on her verbal statement to me from a few months ago and has reiterate a couple of time since that she will not pursue CS and SS. Medaition session #5 will address these issues next week.

Should she change her tune on these issues I will change mine on the 401K.

[MHL]

CLV,
I had a long lunch with my W yesterday and she said something similar about my behavior after I found out about her affair. She said it was more of the same from all along in our marriage. I tried not to defend myself as I know that only pushes her away, it was difficult. I think they are feeling guilt and are trying to justify what they were/are doing by your actions in the more recent past. They want you to think that they were considering "working on it" but that we blew it when we did _______________. I think that they are moving through the stages of guilt and are running from any blame in the sitch. This is the hard part for us, we just have to say "I understand how you feel that way" or " I am sorry you feel that way". It is hard but it works, it is working for me. Give it time, she will move through this on her own. Don't think for a minute that you reinforced anything, she did this and it was her decisions and her actions. Just like we can not control them, they can not control us, so if they made the stupid decision to have an affair or continue to have an affair b/c you were out GALing, she owns that and will realize it one day.

[Cie la vie]

MHL,

I too began to defend myself and would've likely continued but the mediator sensed things were heating up and he intervened. When the W chimed in with her comment I had a look of WHAT on my face that was anything but validating.

I see and communciate on such a limited basis with her that I just don't know what to expect and as a result I may fail to initiate proper DB protocol. I have to remember theses "I understand how you feel that way" or " I am sorry you feel that way".

Give it time, she will move through this on her own. Don't think for a minute that you reinforced anything, she did this and it was her decisions and her actions.

I wish I had more time, the mediator told us yesterday that we would likely be offically divorced by June. I strongly
suspect she'll be working through this well after the clock strikes midnight on the marriage.

I would love to see a hint of this guilt because it just seems impossible to me that she can't be feeling some, as well as other painful emotions. But apparantly she has one helluva poker face.

I'd be interesed to see what would come out of a real conversation with her but I just can't see being the one to initiate just yet. My guess is I would just get more of the same and I really don't need more bad news.

The NC/Dark/Dim thing is definitely working for me emotionally but and I know we aren't doing it to get direct positive results out of them toward R but I can't help but turn an eye that direction. The results NOTHING on the R front.

Thanks for checking in.

[ClingingToHope]

The first six months she's out of the house is going to be euphoria for her. She can do what she wants, when she wants with no one to answer to.

It's at least six months before any kind of loneliness or reconsideration is going to set in.

That's the advice several have given me. In my case, I made it even easier by being the one to move, being generous with support -- money and time.

It's only now 10 months later that she's really cratering financially and the girls -- especially the older one -- are gravitating towards me more and more. W is so closed off they come to me with their feelings.

So don't expect anything to get better for at least six months.

[dwinter82]

CLV, the "going dark" thing is tough but if it help us emotionally then that is what we need to do.

How was your weekend?

[Cie la vie]

DW,

The weekend was good. I had the kids this weekend and I thoroughly enjoy having them. They are changing and developing so fast right now it's amazing.

We got rained in on Saturday so it was primarily a house day. I got them and the dog out for a walk between down pours which was good.

On Sunday I took them to the big park for a hike with the dog a friend and his wife joined me with their dogs as well. Beautiful day on Sunday. I've really developed a great fathering game since the SHTF in Oct. and it is obvious the kids love to be with me. But I am just way below average at cooking. I can grill and BBQ with the best of them but I suck indoors. I need to work on this skill.

I'm finding the "going dark" to be surprisingly easy. Most likely because I feel better the less contact I have with the W. We haven't exhanged a call or text since I saw her at session #4 on Weds.

I still think about her and her behavior with OM's often unfortunately but the sting seems to be waning. There are those moments, however, where I just feel really pissed off at her for what she has done. I have a feeling that is the way it is going to be for a long time.

Hope your weekend was a good one as well.

[dwinter82]

We are in the exact same boat. It has been said before but it is almost scary how similar our (and others) sitchs are.

I am no longer defined by raw emotions but I still have a real desire to avoid my W as much as possible, and it is helping. Whenever I start thinking about my W and all of the negatives, I try to turn things around and think about all of the positives that await me. I still do not want to be bitter when this is all over, but I think there will always be a part of me that will resent her actions. Does that sound normal?

[Cie la vie]

DW,

Whenever I start thinking about my W and all of the negatives, I try to turn things around and think about all of the positives that await me. I still do not want to be bitter when this is all over, but I think there will always be a part of me that will resent her actions. Does that sound normal?

I am with you on all accounts. I catch myself beginning to dwell on her and the BS that goes with it and I have to make a conscious effort to switch my thoughts elsewhere and it typically takes a few goes before I can change tracks. Somehow we must find it within us to forgive them or we run the risk of remaining embittered for good. I definitely do not want to carry that baggage around with me for the rest of my life. It'll just eat us alive. If it isn't normal than I am abnormal.

As they say time heals all wounds, some take longer than others.

I have question for you and anybody else that has an opinion on the following. I continue to be puzzled as to why her family members have failed to make any effort to contact me. They were/are like family to me. The two times I have talked with my SIL (calls initiated by me) she was both angry and felt my W was sick or in a MLC and was in need of counseling. I haven't heard a peep since New Years Eve. Just curious.