"How can I figure this out when my DW (who is normally so talkative and has such strong opinions about every topic in the whole world, except this one?) clams up so tight and will not discuss these things with me? If she will not talk about it, and I can understand for a woman it is NORMAL :> not to talk about it, what means of sensing and knowing can I use to figure this out myself?"
"My wife has repeatedly told our sex therapist that genitals are "dirty" and not to be touched, which drives both the therapist and myself into jaw-clenching silence. The sex therapist has tried to talk to her about that, but not gotten anywhere with it."
The above are quotes by trying and young about their W's.
To both of you guys (and also indirectly to ssmguy)...I don't know if you can apply the usual "rules" to a woman who is severely sexually damaged or stunted. The same way that we women cannot aply the normal relationship rules to a man who is a confirmed committmentphobe or who has full on narcissistic tendancies or a drug problem or....fill in the blank.
If a woman OR a man is simply too far off the scale of normal for whatever reason, then I just don't know if the advice here on this thread will be relevant to them.
Young you specifically asked: "As someone who is in a SSM and NEEDS more sex (to prevent my initiating a divorce), but can't really talk about sexual frequency and can't really take what he NATURALLY wants and needs....what options do I have, but to be the "considerate/consulting" lover?"
I just don't see you having many options other than to leave, or to go without. You say that being the considerate/consulting lover appears to be your only option...yet that option is not providing you with any "great" results, as far as I can tell. You simply have to think it over and decide for yourself: is it really a NEED of yours, or would you rather stay married to this particular woman?
I don't envy your position. Remember...I am divorced, so eventually my NEED (and yes it truly is a need) made itself clear to me and I could not accept my marriage the way it was. I don't want anyone else to ever have to face that decision as it was the hardest of my life...however, yes a good sex life is a NEED of mine and it won out over my love for my ex-h and my desire to stay married to HIM in particular.
The only one thing I can say is please NEVER become unfaithful, as that is NOT the right route (learned this the hard way and am contiually trying to get ssmguy to realize he has made the wrong choice there, too).
The only dignified options are to stay married and accept your fate, or leave and try for a different life. I am sorry it comes down to that and it such a difficult choice.
Trying you asked: "I am also still interested, are there any ladies who do not want a alpha male in the bedroom? And if so, in what way do you communicate that to your DH?"
I think on this particular thread, not one woman responded that she didn't at least want a man with the potential to show alpha male behavior in the bedroom.
The only women I have known personally who would have said specifically that they would not want an alpha male in the bedroom were either lesbians (and even they want one once in awhile), or women whose sexual fetish was about being full-on in charge and dominating a man. Usually, these types of women are just working through a sexual lifestyle, though. This is not a usual woman in her usual desires. This would be a woman who is living out a specific lifestyle, not just a sexual preference. There is a difference.
But then there is the other category I spoke of at the beginning of this thread...the "damaged" woman . Yes, a damaged woman may not want a man with alpha male behaviors in bed because it may trigger some kind of trauma to her, or she may have grown up believing bad things about this type of man. I don't think we can apply these "usual" rules to a woman like that.
The question is, is your wife damaged sexually in some way?
