Quote: I think it's just one of those spells of "normalcy"...no real issues (except for the usual), no negative interactions, no icky feelings on my part...
I still have questions...but as time passes their urgency fades.
Wonder if anyone else is experiencing this?
Hmmmm, not lately, but a few weeks ago yes. With things stablizing in my life, my posts often seem boring and like more of the same. I got to a point where I would go 2-3 days with no posts.
Suddenly I feel the need to post again. Weird. Because I'm really doing okay. Maybe it's the progression to another phase of "okay"? If there is such a thing? LOL.
I think LL is right. When things are going okay, we look for things to be wrong, because life can't be too perfect now can it? Maybe because I'm a perfectionist, and I over-analyze (as I've been told).
Anyway, Hello Shiny! No reason for this post, but to say Hi.
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
I asked Sage this and she said no but I was wondering if when you meditate you feel anything in your head?
I suppose that sounds sort of silly, but the left front of my head feels like some pressure in a way from inside but also like a calmness spreading throughout my brain, doesn't cover it all but it sort of slowly spreads some.
Does that sound really strange?
NO BLOND COMMENTS!!!!!!!!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I'm reading a book on the physiological effects of meditation and GET THIS!!!
In depressed/anxious people or mood states there is heightened activity in the RIGHT frontal lobes...the area that processes and helps generate BAD feelings like anxiety, fear, dread.....
Meditation has been SHOWN via brain imaging to SHIFT brain activity over to the "feel good" LEFT frontal areas...this part generates feelings of calm, peace, positive moods!!!
VERY COOL!!!
I've a few long posts to make regarding last night's events...stay tuned.
This is from my journalling at about 2:30 a.m. last night :
Well how’s this for a nosedive?
All was well today, picked up some things on the way home from work. Decided to stay in with pizza and a movie. While CJ was out getting the pizza D and H dropped in. They stayed, we visited. Had a good time.
During their visit I pulled out our big Bible (part of our wedding gift from my folks) I noticed some loose pages and after they left I read them. It was printout of a segment of CJ’s journal from 1989…the year we met.
In it he recounts coming out with me and my pal C, closing down the bar, partying until 5 a.m. (with a cold), up close with me against the Juke box singing “Lovin’ Touchin’ Squeezin”….
Unbeknownst to me, he was “seeing” another woman in our circle, K, at that time. They kept it hush hush as she (and he) for that matter was still legally married, although separated.
In this entry he asks what he is to do about me…classy smart lady to whom he is sexually attracted (and hoped I returned the interest), who could talk about and share anything with…
CJ got through the first page before I’d finished the second and got up change his clothes. I finished while he was gone and went to the bathroom to wash up.
I was shaken up, but more than anything, by HIS apparent disinterest.
We sat in the back, he didn't bring it up so I asked about his group session yesterday and he talked about it some. He mentioned that they were working on really identifying emotions, the full language of emotions…
I thought this was the perfect opportunity…so I asked him how he FELT while reading that missive. He paused, stared off, and said “Well….It was a long time ago”…I said to him “That’s not an emotion, though, how did you feel?”….another long pause…Well it took me back there….”Also not an emotion”
At this point he turns it around on me and asks how I feel as clearly it had a stronger impact on me than on him…ouch…
But I really didn’t want to go there just then, I wanted to know how HE felt, I wanted him to THINK about how his reaction to this might have hurt my feelings.
I came back here to journal…W comes in and asks if I’m going to tell him what’s bothering me or not. Same run around, until I say okay I’ll tell you how I felt…but he walked away, into the living room, settled in on the couch for the night.
I told him that was rude. He said he felt like he was under interrogation back there. I asked why me, his wife, asking him how he felt reading about his first feelings of love for me, was so out of line.
Aren’t we supposed to be piecing?
He fixed on how I kept pressing him….
When I read those pages I felt a variety of emotions: nostalgia for that long ago, mostly fun time.
CJ’s comment about my x being a scum sucking bastard for leaving me when I was ill hit REALLY hard, since he very nearly did the same thing himself last year.
When I read about him staying out that late on a work night to be with me, I was reminded of our attraction. Of the sparks that flew that night.
Reading the parts about him talking to girlfriend K about his evening was odd, as in a way he was cheating on her…in spirit…but at least he didn’t lie about where he was or with who.
When I read about his attraction for me, his desire to break it off with K, and have a more real, meaningful relationship with me I felt an affirmation of the love we were both beginning to feel back then.
What’s my feeling right now? W’s last comment in the living room was “all I know is how I feel now…I love you:”…This was not terribly convincing, no move to hold me, touch me, connect. Seemed a handy way to shut down the conversation so I said “That’s good to know” and left the room.
888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888 Here's the letter I wrote to CJ after journalling, he read it this afternoon...next post will outline that interaction. So hang on to your 2X4's until I get that one written!
Dear CJ,
Perhaps I can explain this better in writing. I was surprised and thrilled to find those pages tucked into our Bible. I’d forgotten they were there. At first I thought it was one of my dream journal entries, but no, it was yours.
I delighted in how well you write. I smiled fondly at your quandary of whether or not to come out. I remembered the feeling of attraction, being WOWED by you singing that song up close against the pinball machine…very erotic, very unexpected from you.
Reading the parts about you talking to K about your evening was odd, as in a way you were cheating on her…in spirit…and lust…but you didn’t lie about where you were or with whom. You spoke of feeling badly for having gone when you told her you were too sick to go out. This made me kind of sad.
When I read about your sexual attraction for me, your desire to break it off with K, and have a more real, meaningful relationship with me I felt an affirmation of the love we both were beginning to feel back then. I felt JOY! I felt a keen longing to try to bring some of that back into our lives.
Your non-reaction to this journal entry speaks volumes to me.
I brought it up first, lightly, saying “How was that for a blast from the past”…you said “yeah” or some similar thing. Then we talked about your group in which you described the week’s goals to be about truly identifying emotions.
I really thought this would be the perfect time to ASK you how you felt about reading the entry rather than sit and worry that you didn’t bring it up at all.
CJ, you looked uncomfortable to me. You struggled for words and said “Well, it was a long time ago…”
When I pressed for a FEELING …you said “Well it took me back to that time”
These are not feelings, CJ. They sounded like evasion to me. Although I’m sure there are other options or combinations thereof, here’s what I came up with.
A You are not as in touch with your real emotions (perhaps only regarding our relationship me?) as you might be, or perhaps it’s verbalizing them
B) You ARE in touch with your emotions but they are too dangerous to share with me
C) You ARE in touch with your emotions, but you don’t trust me to be able to handle them
D) Maybe you felt nothing…another lifetime…should I feel good about that?
You called M (my x-fiance) a “Scum Sucking Bastard” for having left me when I was sick in this journal entry…did that evoke ANY emotion in you, having very nearly done the same thing yourself? Empathy for the guy? Guilt over nearly having done it yourself?
Maybe read it over in the light of day. Maybe you’ll see where I was coming from.
Yes, I HEARD you when you said you felt like you were being interrogated. That was not my intention. (Had I had time to edit, I would have added: I am very sorry for that.) I suppose I was shocked to find that you couldn’t reach or speak of your emotions…My prompting is what is done in therapy to bring the focus back to emotions.
By the time you turned it and asked me how I felt…I was so hurt that I couldn’t share my mostly happy warm feelings…I just felt so much defensiveness, so little warmth. I couldn’t bare those fragile and now tainted feelings.
But now I have, in words. Words typed with tears in my eyes.
You said “All I know is that right now I love you”….That IS good to know…but I believe we have to get to some deeper stuff at times.
