Positive Moments In Time

[jon2911]

OK, that makes sense. Let me say that kids are not involved in my sitch, so I have no concept of that. W can play like we're a nice family, then completely change the next day, and I chalk it up to how a depressed person with chronic pain (AKA most of our aliens) acts. I don't have to worry about daughters being affected by her antics.

I still don't think Kev did the wrong thing at Christmas. He had very good advice from 25, based on a DB counselor, to show his wife what she's missing. There you go, first 25-style bold tag I don't see how this is damaging to the girls, and even if it is I think that's a lesser concern. Again, just like everything, my .02

As for the benefits, this is very close to my heart. Health problems were the main cause of our financial and marital destruction, and W has gotten so bad she's getting government help now. If you knew her you'd know how opposed she was to that.

All through my sitch, I've been facing questions like Kevin is now. A lot of friends and family have advised me to show her consequences, not give her benefits while she's living in a different city, etc. Basically, to "punish" her.

Then, I talked to a friend who's survived cancer and been through major health problems, and I asked him about cutting off her benefits, and he said "honestly, as someone who's been through health problems, that would really piss me off".

I'm facing the decision again next month when my new benefits kick in. The more I think about it, 25 is right. It doesn't cost me, it adds a consequence to her finalizing the D, it shows love, what's the downside? I know tough consequences might wake W up, but if she hates me then, what is gained? I guess I'm just not as worked up about "cake-eating", "having it both ways", blah blah. Yes, our W's shouldn't be acting like this. No, it's not fair. But it is what it is.

Kevin, here's where I'm at for both of us: either divorce her or not. Holding off on the D but depriving her of benefits is just playing games IMO. And I'm saying that for myself also. I actually agree with her on this: you're still legally married. Thanks to 25 and everyone else for the discussion.