My guess is that wherever you are, there is a similar page which you can direct your husband to for reference. Plug both of yourselves in there. If you are splitting 50/50 then you should add and divide by 2, and he should contribute the difference based upon the income disparity.
If he balks at this, it's a 5 minute trip down to your local enforcement office. I've been to mine, and it has shaken my wife up quite a bit.
M:40 W:40 2 teenagers ILYBNILWY: 09 January 2010 soon to be walking away my situation
I have the child-support software here at the office, I ran us through it, and the number is bigger than I expected. When I present it to H, I'm pretty sure he's gonna flip out.
I'm debating the best way to present the request to him- if I do it face to face, I'm just gonna end up facing a tirade (based on past discussions) and he won't hear much of what I say. He has a lousy track record of listening and a very good one of deflecting. If I do it in an e-mail, I'll be accused of being a coward- but at least there would be a paper trail for the request.
I'm really dreading this conversation. I just want to be fair. I thought a time to bring it up would be when we go over last year's tax return and the financial aid forms to be filled out for college. Any suggestions?
What if you let an attorney at your office handle it? In fact, why not put together an offical separation agreement? Then you can just blame your attorney. "I know, H, but that's what attorney recommended. What can I do?"
Since he treats you like a dumb blonde, pull out the dumb blonde and use it to your advantage. Acting like a dumb blonde gets me out of stuff all the time!
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Bunny - I think you should initiate the D proceedings yourself. Why wait for him? I understand your stance that he should have to do some of the heavy lifting, but on the other hand, you deserve some support, and the only way to get that rolling is to get the D rolling. I also understand your hesitation that he will flip out but...everyone who is going through a D flips out over something. It is perfectly normal for him to flip out and try to fight you on it, everyone does. However, that shouldn't stop you from going forward and asking for all you deserve.
Also as far as the match situation, what you experienced is extremely common. The match community is full of men who are combing through the profiles looking for easy sex, and they actually find it there too, so they keep at it. Its a numbers game for them, so they hit up 50 - 100 women and they will get some easy sex at least once or twice out of that. Don't take it personally or feel it has anything to do with you. I have known women who had very "innocent" profiles and pictures who get the same creeps sending them messages saying the same types of stuff you got. However, if there is a way you can report this particular creep to match, do it. Match does keep track of complaints against users.
It sounds like you are doing really well, although I can sense you are lonely and sad...those feelings are normal too, so just be very kind to yourself. Unfortunately, until you are completely through the D process, you will have a hard time getting closure. That is why I suggest you initiate it and just get it over with. The sooner it is done, the sooner your new life can be its fullest and best.
I'm still reacting to my H past behavior, and he's not even here...
Glad to hear you're normal!
Sounds like you've got one great mom & D has one great grandma. This is and will continue to be so good for D, especially now.
Originally Posted By: SpyBunny
Bottom line- Things are getting better, but I have got to start talking to D more honestly. If she asks, I will answer, H's rage be d@mned...
Do so. But consider telling her that your talks are confidential and that that confidentiality, while it might be considered a burden, is far less of a burden than her finding herself in the middle as an unwitting go-between.
Originally Posted By: SpyBunny
To the LBH's- what will it take to wake him up to that fact? I left him, and he gladly helped me out the door...
You do deserve fair help. Hearing it from your L will wake him up to that fact.
You sound good. Calmer. Stronger.
Last edited by Gardener; 02/26/1003:58 AM.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
The break-up wasn't all my fault... what will it take to wake him up to that fact? I left him, and he gladly helped me out the door...
I meant, what does it take for a guy to become aware of the fact that his wife left him because he hurt her? What makes him wonder, "did I do something wrong?", instead of assuming "she's got issues." OK, I had my issues, like not being keen on sleeping with other guys and taking pics of said activities for H's viewing pleasure and feeling hurt that my H wanted the freedom to f*** whoever he wanted. After all, that's evidence of self-confidence issues- if I really loved him, I would get pleasure from seeing him pleased- however he wanted. (I'll knock the sarcasm off now.)
But seriously- he knew I was hurt, I told him that. What he wanted was more important. I know there's no real answer to my question above, it comes from within, and I'm just frustrated and disappointed that he can't, or won't, see that. I don't know that he'll ever be ready. Based on my interactions with H, I'm placing the blame for that on his d@mn ego. I hope that "sexual variety" was worth it to him, it was more important than me- he literally can have the f***ing variety he wants now...
The best advice is to stop trying to figure out what he is thinking. He sounds like a selfish jerk. Who cares what he's thinking. Stop asking why and just let it go. He might not know either. That is why some people get help. But, if he is not willing to get help and ask the right questions then how can you? You deserve better and when you have done the WORK on yourself you will get it.
I meant, what does it take for a guy to become aware of the fact that his wife left him because he hurt her? What makes him wonder, "did I do something wrong?", instead of assuming "she's got issues." But seriously- he knew I was hurt, I told him that. What he wanted was more important.
Oh, Spy. I am right there with you, mama!
I have no idea what makes them *SEE* this but again, like PMA said, focus on YOU. Maybe one day he'll get it but you don't need to be wasting your time waiting for him to FIGURE it out. Grrr. Big hugs.
I think I want to talk to him this weekend. The agenda: * there was one account that didn't get split yet, he was gonna send me a check for my half and I haven't seen it yet * he promised me a copy of w-2 and any 1099's that we got so I can get the financial aid forms ready for S19 for next year. they're due 3/1. I'm annoyed that I have to use estimates since he didn't take care of business and get our taxes done already like he said he would. He's insisting on using a CPA this year- fine, just call the guy already- or give me the number, but TCB!! * tell him to call his atty and start drafting the dissolution agreement. His atty can send over to mine for review. (My atty suggested having H make the opening offer.)
There's nothing left here, time to move on. I don't have a time picked out for this conversation, I guess I'll look for an opening.
