new here. I need to tell my story, hoping that in doing so can pick up some different points of view. Wife and I are in a very bad state, she is pushing hard and although hasn't filed wants to do mediation asap. I've stalled once, but I'm ready to give up. I've had a phone counseling session, but I think it may be too late. We have a 15 and 16 year old stepkids (hers) and a 3 year old between us. We're still in the same house, but it's very tense and she really won't talk, I've given up trying to communicate except in absolute must talk scenarios. I'm trying to do the 180 and get a life thing. We sleep in the same bed with our little 3 year old between us, after he goes to sleep I go down and lie on the couch so I won't wake her up snoring. She tried to get intimate a couple weeks ago but I was on some meds and things wouldn't work for me, I think she took that personally, before that, it had been 6 months. Basically, when we first moved in together, we had some pretty bad "getting to know you" fights and I said some things out of fear that I really regret. She's held onto these things ever since. We attempted counseling last year, there was never a goal in counseling and I felt ganged up on so I stopped going, she refused to try a diff counselor. She kept going alone. She made the statement a few months back that if she had higher self esteem she would have left a long time ago, of course I disagreed, I said ANYONE can walk away from a problem, it's the easy way. She tells me she doesnt' feel safe with me and can't trust me. I don't really feel I've done anything to lose her trust, but I'm not her and can't control her perceptions. I've tried to get her to attend Retrouvaille to no avail. Even offering to pay for it with my own money. No dice.
Today I went to the bank and split our funds on the advice of family and 2 lawyers. I split it straight down the middle, she's pretty honked off about it, says it only proves what I think of her and that I don't trust her. Oh yeah, did I mention someone called DCF on me about 5 months ago? We got back from a cruise and I'm being investigated for child abuse. I love my only son and am probably overprotective, so I hired an atty, the atty met my wife and told me privately that he thinks she or someone close to her made the call and that I have marital problems. The allegations were insane, that I had rammed someone with my car in a road rage..etc...
She's on antidepressants, I think she's going off the deep end, I'm personally in AA and this is getting to be a bit much for me. I feel like although I abhor divorce and think it is wrong, that I must be away from her to protect my sanity. In my heart of hearts I really believe it could be fixed if we worked together, but she has indicated to me she has no desire to go to counseling and that I've said things that can never be unsaid. This week she's said a couple things that can never be unsaid, so I think it's time to move on. I don't trust her judgement anymore, she came home weeks ago from visiting her parents and was so drunk she was throwing up, she's 42. On holidays she'll have Maury Pauvich on with people shouting at each other and very dramatic shows like this with our 3 year old son watching it. It scares him, I told her this is not programming for a 3 yo, she tells me I'm a control freak and that I think I'm "King of the House".
Writing this out it sounds pretty bad. So as you can see, although I have a sliver of hope, things dont' sound very good right now. I did the child support calculator and I will go from living in a beautiful 4 bedroom cape to a dingy 2 bedroom apartment and have very little money left over. I'm resentful because I feel like she'll be using my support money to be able to support her other 2 kids off of, and mine will be cheated out of money for college and such. This may sound selfish to some of you, but I wanted my little boy to have a great family life and solid schooling and all of that is being thrown away because someone is "unhappy". We should uproot the 5 people living in the house and everyone split up and move into apartments because one of us is "unhappy". It's a pattern in her life that is being repeated, and I think she'll find another guy and after a while with him will discover that she's "unhappy" again. It seems to follow her everywhere she goes. Anyway, thanks for listening, sorry you all have to hear this ugliness. I'm tired of feeling so tense and I've been so lonely for so long. I feel like I'm getting older and that I won't ever be able to trust a woman again. My parents have been married 54 years, I have 6 brothers and sisters, all of whom have been married 15+ years with only one divorce.
Nothing is ever hopeless...Without hope you have nothing.
I read your story...No worries, I have read worse and while some aspects are pretty low right now, this can still be turned around...Your W is acting like a spoiled child...You on the other hand need to stop listening to the spew and start doing the 180's as well as GAL...
Do you have the DB book? If yes start reading, if no please go get it.
I agree no 3 year old needs to watch Maury...I don't even watch that stuff.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Welcome Hoping! Thank you for sharing your situation with us. I agree wholeheartedly with Serenity - go get Divorce Remedy and read it. It has incredibly helpful strategies for you to put into action so that you can interrupt the patterns that you and your wife have fallen into.
thanks for replying. God this is hard, and it feels like hell, I can't stand this tension. It's a very hard situation to accept. I went and saw a L today, spoke with a an old friend who's a L in Texas and he told me to go ahead and file so that I could retain my dignity. She is pushing to make an appt with a mediator. But we are suddenly talking out things a lot, not sure if this matters. I've been trying the 180 and GAL but I suck at them so far.
I need to get counseling. I am trying everything in the book and she is hell bent on getting a divorce as soon as possible. I'm beginning to get angry because she's going to force us to sell our house and the market sucks right now, we're going to lose a ton of money, I'm really starting to wonder if there's another man. I just don't understand this. All of my family lives 1000 miles from here and I really have no friends here. This is the lowest part of my life, and oh yeah, now I get to be a visitor in my son's life. Who invented this divorce crap?
