I guess I am ambivalent about wanting to save my marriage. My story is similar to many others on here. I have been married 4 1/2 years.. together 10 years. My husband always showed signs of depression...strange mood swings. But I was able to overlook this stuff... because when he was 'normal'..he was great and he made me very happy. May08 I started sensing something was not quite right. He seemed more distant.. I checked his phone and of course found a strange text message saying 'meet me there'. Without going into detail- he said she was just a secretary (that I never heard of) at work that needed help with a resume. My husband started working at a new firm 2 years prior to this. It was a big blow-up but he was able to convince me that nothing was going on. The next year I spent suspicious..then about a year later..I got the 'I am not happy'. I provided him with the support that any devoted wife would provide.. 'do you want to switch jobs'..'do you want to go back to school'..'whatever you want- I will support you'. He was behaving so strange. About 3 weeks later.. I found a cell phone with intimate text messages. My world collapsed..but I also felt relieved. I knew something was going on but I just couldn't prove anything. It was the secretary at work..2 kids with 2 different fathers...never married...2 extramarital affairs within his office... WTF??? I am simplifying all of this right now.. but I chose to forgive him after him pleading and crying. I spent the next 6 months trying to make changes to make myself happy and the two of us were really doing lots of fun things together and I felt like we were moving forward. We have no children. We both have great jobs and have the luxury of going on great vacations and nice dinners out all the time (just recently). We really were enjoying life. Then I started noticing a difference again. I had my husband send a No Contact letter to her..they still worked together. We went to Italy for vacation.. had a fantastic time.. but when we got back I just felt like something again was not right. He promised that he didnt even talk to her.. I am not proud of this..but I stuck a tape recorder in his bag because I was not convinced. Right before T-giving 09- the tape revealed a flirtatious conversation and again I was devastated. I spent 6 months trying to forgive him. I had been seeing a therapist about how to be more forgiving and get over my anger.. and he betrayed me again. I was truly crushed. I kicked him out of the house...I was a wreck. My husband wanted to work things out.. said he needed to get help for his problems. He slept on the couch and was severely depressed. He told me that it was over with the secretary but I didnt believe him. I left for a few days. He cried and said we were going to make it through this. I taped him on Christmas eve again.. and I heard her thanking him for her Christmas gift. Crushed once again!!!!! I just didnt get it. I finally insisted that he leave the house. He wouldnt leave so I left for a week.. and then his family convinced him that he should be the one to leave.. so we discussed that he would get an apartment for 3 months. I am leaving out so many details but there really is way too much to type. I am now in month 2 of our separation. My husband has been acting so bizarre and I am just so confused. Part of me wants to work on saving my marriage... but he has been ambivalent. But jealous and such BIZARRE behavior. I just dont know what to think. He acts like the victim. We had a good marriage... and had a good life... If this were not the case.. it would be so easy for me to walk away.. But he was my best friend- we biked, ran, hiked, vacationed, watched football together etc..etc..etc.. He began seeing a counselor..he relayed to me recently that his counselor said that his marriage or his wife did not make him behave this way.. it is his unhappiness in life.. and a man tries to deal with this kind of unhappiness by acting out in this crazy way. OK...so now what??? this is where we left off. He doesnt want to talk about this kind of stuff much.. and I havent pushed... but I am young (just turned 34) and wonder if I should just cut my losses and move on. I am in very good spirits..a pretty upbeat person..love to laugh and have a good time. I am an attractive woman and take very good care of myself. I hate that i am in this situation. I am not a religious person.. but do believe in marriage and commitment. what is a woman to do? I just want to be happy... I love to smile. Do I stick this craziness out?
lolawar, I put paragraphs in your post so it will be easier to read. Hope this was ok. I want you to get others to chime in with their advice. Others on this board give excellent advice. I'm sure they will be here soon for you. In the meantime read through some of the others situations and read some of the advice given to them. Puppy, Robox, Gucci and others offer great advice on how to deal with affairs.
I can at least offer you support until they chime in. It's so difficult to want your spouse back and they act like they are in another world. I have learned that patience in so important. Set boundaries, GAL (get a life), work on you, don't pursue (don't act needy), and be positive when interacting with your spouse are some of the things I have learned to do. Nothing crazy about loving your H and wanting him back. Many success stories on here with people in your same situation. The road will be long but hang in there, you can do it!
Wishing you success! mza8
lolawar's original post...
I guess I am ambivalent about wanting to save my marriage. My story is similar to many others on here. I have been married 4 1/2 years.. together 10 years. My husband always showed signs of depression...strange mood swings. But I was able to overlook this stuff... because when he was 'normal'..he was great and he made me very happy.
May08 I started sensing something was not quite right. He seemed more distant.. I checked his phone and of course found a strange text message saying 'meet me there'. Without going into detail- he said she was just a secretary (that I never heard of) at work that needed help with a resume. My husband started working at a new firm 2 years prior to this. It was a big blow-up but he was able to convince me that nothing was going on.
The next year I spent suspicious..then about a year later..I got the 'I am not happy'. I provided him with the support that any devoted wife would provide.. 'do you want to switch jobs'..'do you want to go back to school'..'whatever you want- I will support you'. He was behaving so strange. About 3 weeks later.. I found a cell phone with intimate text messages. My world collapsed..but I also felt relieved.
I knew something was going on but I just couldn't prove anything. It was the secretary at work..2 kids with 2 different fathers...never married...2 extramarital affairs within his office... WTF??? I am simplifying all of this right now.. but I chose to forgive him after him pleading and crying. I spent the next 6 months trying to make changes to make myself happy and the two of us were really doing lots of fun things together and I felt like we were moving forward.
We have no children. We both have great jobs and have the luxury of going on great vacations and nice dinners out all the time (just recently). We really were enjoying life. Then I started noticing a difference again. I had my husband send a No Contact letter to her..they still worked together. We went to Italy for vacation.. had a fantastic time.. but when we got back I just felt like something again was not right. He promised that he didnt even talk to her..
I am not proud of this..but I stuck a tape recorder in his bag because I was not convinced. Right before T-giving 09- the tape revealed a flirtatious conversation and again I was devastated. I spent 6 months trying to forgive him. I had been seeing a therapist about how to be more forgiving and get over my anger.. and he betrayed me again. I was truly crushed. I kicked him out of the house...I was a wreck. My husband wanted to work things out.. said he needed to get help for his problems. He slept on the couch and was severely depressed. He told me that it was over with the secretary but I didnt believe him. I left for a few days. He cried and said we were going to make it through this. I taped him on Christmas eve again.. and I heard her thanking him for her Christmas gift. Crushed once again!!!!! I just didnt get it.
I finally insisted that he leave the house. He wouldnt leave so I left for a week.. and then his family convinced him that he should be the one to leave.. so we discussed that he would get an apartment for 3 months. I am leaving out so many details but there really is way too much to type.
I am now in month 2 of our separation. My husband has been acting so bizarre and I am just so confused. Part of me wants to work on saving my marriage... but he has been ambivalent. But jealous and such BIZARRE behavior. I just dont know what to think. He acts like the victim. We had a good marriage... and had a good life... If this were not the case.. it would be so easy for me to walk away.. But he was my best friend- we biked, ran, hiked, vacationed, watched football together etc..etc..etc..
He began seeing a counselor..he relayed to me recently that his counselor said that his marriage or his wife did not make him behave this way.. it is his unhappiness in life.. and a man tries to deal with this kind of unhappiness by acting out in this crazy way. OK...so now what??? this is where we left off. He doesnt want to talk about this kind of stuff much.. and I havent pushed... but I am young (just turned 34) and wonder if I should just cut my losses and move on. I am in very good spirits..a pretty upbeat person..love to laugh and have a good time. I am an attractive woman and take very good care of myself. I hate that i am in this situation. I am not a religious person.. but do believe in marriage and commitment. what is a woman to do? I just want to be happy... I love to smile. Do I stick this craziness out?
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
He's a serial adulterer, has been caught each time by YOU (as opposed to self-confessed), and even now, he's "ambivalent?" And you have NO KIDS?
Sorry, I know this is a pro-marriage site and all, but "SEE ya." Maybe maintain a legal separation (with you in your own home), and he can DATE you, and you can insist on NO-CONTACT and FULL-TRANSPARENCY, and if he can pull that off for 6-12 months, then MAYYYYYYBE.
But otherwise . . . unh-uh. Sorry. You're only setting yourself up for more heartache, and I don't see any true introspection, maturity or remorse on his part.
Think of this as being no different than something with a drug, alcohol or gambling addiction. IT'S THE SAME THING -- your husband is involved in addictive behavior that is HURTING YOU EMOTIONALLY. He needs to get TREATMENT for that (from a good IC or family therapist who specializes in infidelity and sexual addiction), and he needs to PROVE TO YOU, to YOUR satisfaction, that he is being treated for that and it's safe for you again to re-invest into the relationship.
The burden for that is on HIM, not on YOU, and until he can do that, you need to protect yourself -- legally, financially and emotionally.
And a good full-panel STD test, if you have had any unprotected sex with him in the past 12 months, is imperative as well.
Thank you all for your advice. This is very helpful. He showed extreme remorse when I first found out about his affair. I am a forgiving person by nature. I chose to forgive him after he told me it was the biggest mistake of his life. It was tough.. but each day got easier but then woman's intuition again..I felt something was up. The 2nd time, he was just as remorseful. He said he was going to get the help that he needed and prove to me that he was the man that I married and win back my love. I agree that his relationship with this girl is addictive in nature. This girl is not someone he would ever date. He doesn't want kids. She has two out of wedlock with two different fathers. She has no money. She is not educated. If you knew my husband.. it is all very confusing. My husband's grandmother was bipolar. I have always suspected some kind of personality disorder.. I just don't know exactly what it is. His behavior is just odd at times. For example...he told me the details about his affair- he told me that the secretary had another extramarital affair with one of the attorneys in his office. I cautioned him (it took everything in me to remain patient) that she was probably looking for someone to take care of her. He replied "you don't think someone would like me for me?". A week before the Christmas gift incident.. he was in tears.. grabbed my hand.. and said "we will make it through this". Just a bunch of mixed messages. After the Christmas gift incident.. he didn't know what he wanted. I asked him for a separation which he was reluctant to give me. My brother in law helped him move and he said that my husband was acting like the victim. "after 10 years..this is what I get". It is almost like he couldn't grasp the fact that he chose all of this. I received several text messages from him saying "you never deserved this", "you deserved better", "I am so sorry I am putting you through this". Then more craziness spewed out of his mouth.."I have never made a decision in my life". This man does not do anything he does not want to do. His family and myself were mystified as to why he would say such BS. Followed by "I don't know if I believe in marriage" (which he denies saying). He is now growing his hair long like he had in college. He is a partner at a law firm!!!! He also said that we spent too much money on the house and never went on vacation...more craziness. I traveled for work for several years and I was fortunate to be able to bring him with me around the world. We have been all over the place.. and always take one big vacation a year now that I am no longer traveling. He just doesnt make any sense when he speaks. There are so many details..but this is getting long so here I am two months into a separation. It was very difficult for me at first. Apparently for him too- his family was very worried about him... just in a deep depression. He hasn't spoken to any of his closest friends. He pretty much has buried himself in his work. I revealed his affair to the other partners at the firm (I told my husband I would if he betrayed me again..I read that exposing the affair is necessary). They told him that if he continued to see her.. one of them would have to go. He hasnt told anyone at work (except the secretary) that we are separated. I have no idea if he still "sees" her. We speak often.. initially just about house and pet stuff. Recently we have been bantering over text message about politics and shows on television. He is seeing a therapist..but only going 2x a month (I guess because of his insurance). As I mentioned in my previous post- my husband told me that he does not blame me or our marriage for his problems or his unhappiness. When men are unhappy, they do these lame brained things. He says that he misses his life.. but also says that he likes being able to come and go as he pleases. His lease is up at the end of March.. we havent had any relationship discussions.. I refuse to bring anything up. But what is going to happen? I don't want him back here until he makes some progress. For quite some time before our separation..it was like walking on eggshells when he was around. You didn't know what personality you were going to get. Just irritable and unpredictable..sometimes just really down and angry...and..let's not forget about the affair. I cannot live knowing he is still seeing this person at work each day even if the affair ended. I don't want to think about her. That is all the bad stuff..but I do love him. I thought we had a solid marriage. He was my best friend. We did everything together. My friends and family are all shocked. Never would have expected something like this from him...EVER. I do believe there is something "not right" with him. He recognized that something is not right with him either..but I just don't know how to proceed. I am a strong person and have a very active life without him.. great job, family, and friends. I am not afraid of being alone. I will be OK. I just don't know if I want to give up on him. What if he gets "better"? I went thru all this for someone else to experience this newly evolved man? or am I being too optimistic?
