Thank you all for your advice. This is very helpful. He showed extreme remorse when I first found out about his affair. I am a forgiving person by nature. I chose to forgive him after he told me it was the biggest mistake of his life. It was tough.. but each day got easier but then woman's intuition again..I felt something was up. The 2nd time, he was just as remorseful. He said he was going to get the help that he needed and prove to me that he was the man that I married and win back my love. I agree that his relationship with this girl is addictive in nature. This girl is not someone he would ever date. He doesn't want kids. She has two out of wedlock with two different fathers. She has no money. She is not educated. If you knew my husband.. it is all very confusing. My husband's grandmother was bipolar. I have always suspected some kind of personality disorder.. I just don't know exactly what it is. His behavior is just odd at times. For example...he told me the details about his affair- he told me that the secretary had another extramarital affair with one of the attorneys in his office. I cautioned him (it took everything in me to remain patient) that she was probably looking for someone to take care of her. He replied "you don't think someone would like me for me?". A week before the Christmas gift incident.. he was in tears.. grabbed my hand.. and said "we will make it through this". Just a bunch of mixed messages. After the Christmas gift incident.. he didn't know what he wanted. I asked him for a separation which he was reluctant to give me. My brother in law helped him move and he said that my husband was acting like the victim. "after 10 years..this is what I get". It is almost like he couldn't grasp the fact that he chose all of this. I received several text messages from him saying "you never deserved this", "you deserved better", "I am so sorry I am putting you through this". Then more craziness spewed out of his mouth.."I have never made a decision in my life". This man does not do anything he does not want to do. His family and myself were mystified as to why he would say such BS. Followed by "I don't know if I believe in marriage" (which he denies saying). He is now growing his hair long like he had in college. He is a partner at a law firm!!!! He also said that we spent too much money on the house and never went on vacation...more craziness. I traveled for work for several years and I was fortunate to be able to bring him with me around the world. We have been all over the place.. and always take one big vacation a year now that I am no longer traveling. He just doesnt make any sense when he speaks. There are so many details..but this is getting long so here I am two months into a separation. It was very difficult for me at first. Apparently for him too- his family was very worried about him... just in a deep depression. He hasn't spoken to any of his closest friends. He pretty much has buried himself in his work. I revealed his affair to the other partners at the firm (I told my husband I would if he betrayed me again..I read that exposing the affair is necessary). They told him that if he continued to see her.. one of them would have to go. He hasnt told anyone at work (except the secretary) that we are separated. I have no idea if he still "sees" her. We speak often.. initially just about house and pet stuff. Recently we have been bantering over text message about politics and shows on television. He is seeing a therapist..but only going 2x a month (I guess because of his insurance). As I mentioned in my previous post- my husband told me that he does not blame me or our marriage for his problems or his unhappiness. When men are unhappy, they do these lame brained things. He says that he misses his life.. but also says that he likes being able to come and go as he pleases. His lease is up at the end of March.. we havent had any relationship discussions.. I refuse to bring anything up. But what is going to happen? I don't want him back here until he makes some progress. For quite some time before our separation..it was like walking on eggshells when he was around. You didn't know what personality you were going to get. Just irritable and unpredictable..sometimes just really down and angry...and..let's not forget about the affair. I cannot live knowing he is still seeing this person at work each day even if the affair ended. I don't want to think about her. That is all the bad stuff..but I do love him. I thought we had a solid marriage. He was my best friend. We did everything together. My friends and family are all shocked. Never would have expected something like this from him...EVER. I do believe there is something "not right" with him. He recognized that something is not right with him either..but I just don't know how to proceed. I am a strong person and have a very active life without him.. great job, family, and friends. I am not afraid of being alone. I will be OK. I just don't know if I want to give up on him. What if he gets "better"? I went thru all this for someone else to experience this newly evolved man? or am I being too optimistic?
