Struggling with Hope

[Jimbo]

Hi Eric-

Bill - You are right I must let go of her. I have to tell you though this is hard. I really love this women and feel like I totally f this one up. You pretty much hit the nail on the head when you said that I am still trying everything possible to fix and save my M. Ss usual you are right - I can’t fix it.

Oh yeah- damn right it's hard. But when you recognize that a M is SUPPOSED to be about two people working together, it's really no wonder, right?

This is precisely my point, Eric: How are YOU going to fix and save your M singlehandedly when your W is not equipped right now to even address her own issues? She's not even willing to admit to herself that she HAS any issues, preferring instead to indulge in a dalliance with an OM. I'm sure you know by now that this is far from uncommon for the MLC spouse.

I so want to go up to the guy that she is having an EA and beat the living…well you know – but everyone tells me not to confront her about it. I do understand why but I still feel I need to say something to her to let her know that I do not appreciate it.

I'm very glad that you have selected to not confront the OP. Cat can tell you it doesn't do any good anyway, and, believe it or not, can actually do more harm in the long run. As much as it hurts to see them do this (sometimes time after time after time), it's a part of their process. You need only read others threads to realize that interference in this process by you does no good. If you were to somehow manage to "break them up", she would most likely go out and seek another poor ba$t@rd to hook up with! And why do I label this gutless excuse for a human being a "poor ba$t@rd"? Because, in the end, they reap as they have sown. He thinks he's pulled a "fast one" on everybody and gotten the "girl of his dreams", but let me ask you this, Eric: If your W doesn't have anything to give to you, R wise, M wise....what makes you think that she has anything to give to anybody else? (I think if you were to dig even deeper, you'd find that this is the case with ALL of her relationships, friends and family included!) If you can have the presence of mind to step away from your anger towards her and the OM to see the big picture for even the briefest of moments, the canvas will change in a way that can transform your anger into compassion.

....I’m doing so much soul searching that quite frankly I do not even know who the hell I am anymore. I’m not even sure how to find who I want to be. I acknowledge that I totally lost myself in this M. Part of me want to say F-it and just go and live my life in peace. This sh*t is really hard.

Believe it or not, Eric, these feelings are a GOOD thing! From one ex-control freak to another, we're too busy with trying to hold it all together in the way that we think it SHOULD be, that we don't let it grow into what it NEEDS to be. I know that in my sitch, I was using my W to prop up my sense of self worth. This is how I lost "me" in my M - letting her go was a direct attack on my self worth and self identity. I NEEDED her to validate ME as a person! But that's not her role - it's not fair to her and it's sure as hell not fair to myself.

I've read enough of your thread to know about your abandonment issues in your past. Could you have fallen into that same self-fallacy that I did? Only you can answer that question for yourself.

I acknowledge that I am controlling. I acknowledge that I can be paralyzed by fear. I feel short changed by all of this. I feel like I have been crapped on. I just hurt. I feel helpless and depressed. Not only did I lose my W I lost a whole family.

Valid feelings on all points, except the last.

Recognizing that you may have contributed to where your M is today, you still had (and have) a little help in getting there by your W.

The biggest mistake we can make in this whole MLC thingy is to take too much of the blame on ourselves. But, IMO, the true litmus test of regret is not only wanting to make a reformation, but DOING IT.

You are well on your way, Eric. Lessons learned. Now move forward and cut yourself some damned slack, dude.

(And BTW, don't make the fatal error of lumping your R with your W in the same basket as your R with your family, or you could very well lose a whole family, as you put it.)

Every one say to go GAL…Well, I need to find the balance to do this. I can tell my W sees some of the changes but she knows that they are an attempt to win her back.

Aren't they? If so, she WILL see right through them, and it will only serve to piss her off, and alienate you from her even more.

Only in making the changes FOR YOU will you change yourself, and maybe, just maybe, show your W that Eric ain't such a bad dude to be with after all!

I have tied to help out around the house but every time I do something I kind of go overboard with it. I was always one to help – always helped with dishes, etc. The biggest problem is that I took her for granted and I tried to control her. How then can I possibly show her that I no longer take her for granted? I feel like sitting her not saying a word is doing nothing. I feel like sitting here while she is off having her fun is totally f up.

Seems pretty F-ed up to me, too. Why not work on yourself instead? Then you won't have to "try" so hard. It will all come effortlessly, naturally......

Because it is REAL.

And "not saying a word" is NOT doing nothing! You are giving her the non-pressured, mental and physical space she needs for her to be able to process. (A perfect example of the concept of "wei wu wei"- Google it.)

I think I know my W and I can tell you that 9 times out of 10 once she makes up her mind she’s done. You guys tell me to act as if….well if I was to act as if – I would pack up my [censored] and call it a day. Sorry guys I really just pissed and frustrated.

What about the 1 time out of 10?

If you haven't discovered it by now, you'll find that what she feels (about EVERYTHING!) changes from day to day, sometimes from even second to second! (YES. NO LIE. THAT FAST.) The reason being, is that SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS! You are not going to "solve" this for her. Only she can do that for herself. MLC is a totally irrational world that you can not apply rational thoughts to!

When are you going to stop basing your actions on what she feels right now?