Can I just say I'm wow'd by all the support, advice, and help you've given MB and everyone on here. You really put a lot of time into your responses. It's great. I too follow and take your advice.
Not a probelm. I am pleased to see others reading this thread for advice, I try to visit only a few threds and focus on those... I find I am typing the SAME THING into each thread anyways... so its better if everyone goes to one or two threads to hear what I think instead of me typing the same advice across 12+ threads lol
This advice is pretty straight forward, but it is VERY hard to do...
When you give your SPOUSE a taste of divorce, you give yourself one TOO... and it isnt' pretty...
BUT... it DOES send a strong message to the wayward to COME HOME or they are HEADED for a PERMANENT NO CONTACT arragement...
WHen you go protection phase and cut off contact, you are essentially telling them
THIS Is what its giong to be LIKE very SOON if you dont STOP...
MOST dont LIKE the protection phcase and losing contact... they throw tantrums... and VERY often the abandoned spouse has a LOT of trouble executing it... they give in, call, pikc up the phone when he calls, they find any excuse to call jsut like the wawayrd does..
MY advice is to move OUT and live with a FRIEND who can be your buddy for support... you don't do ANYTTHING without them knowing and THEY keep you strong...
Right now mb28 you are trying to do it all on your own.. its NOT easy to do... ask for help.. SOMEONE will help you, even if you have to HIRE someone.
Agree with nikblondiew, thank you Allen for all your support and time you put into my thread.
Not a probelm. Almost everyone on this thread has been there, so we know how painful it is and dont' want it to last long...
We also see our own mistakes when we read yoru posts.. so we try VERY HARD to warn you to change them... those mistakes are like pearls floating away.. each time you make a mistake you risk losing your marriage for good...
There ARE otehr chances, but not forevr...gotta stand strong and stop losing those chances...
Keep strong for your kids... get OUT of the DRAMA and dont le him INTO your drama free life until he recongizes his addiction and puts an end to it.
I know it sounds mean mb28, but WHATEVER problem your H had about his sister when he called you should have just been dropped.
You have to look at his actions. He's CHEATING. He's hurting YOU, he's hurting his CHILDREN... and he calls YOU WANTING sympathy for his sister.
Well, HE is not showing YOU ANY... so HE gets none... he WILL throw a TANTRUM.
This is a DOUBLE STANDARD. He WANTS YOU to feel sorry for him. He wants you to think HE"s the sorry victim and to cater to HIS needs... but he wont budge an INCH to end his affair...
It's a dobule standard ... you got to cut him off... if his sister was just diagnosed with cancer... well, forgive me, tha'ts a shame, but your HUSBAND is having an AFFAIR and he is showing NO sympathy for THAT.. he wont even ADMIT it... but HE expects YOU to sympathize with HIM?
Sorry, no game there...
The NO CONTACT deal is just that... NONE. IF he wants sympathy, he can call someone ELSE... his siste'rs probemls are not YOUR emergencies... he abused the call and you let him...
You NEED to recognize what an emergency is... and his emergency yesterday was that HE wanted YOUR sympathy... THAT was what he called for.. and worse, you gave it to him... you are DAMAGING your MARRIAGE when you do this... you hurt your CHILDREN when you do this... gotta stop it... COLD.
I know its hard, I know it hurts ,and I know you look like the bad guy, but you just have to keep saying - UNTIL the AFFAIR is OVER the GRAVY TRAIN ENDS HERE... you get ZERO emotional input from me while YOU are not committed to me...
What should have happened and should happen in the future is :
He calls with an emergency...
Your intermediary takes the call... evaluates the so called emergency...
IN the case of his sister... he would tell the intermediary and then YOU would call his SISTER and talk to her, or to his mother, or whomever... you go RIGHT PAST HIM...
YOU look considerate and HE gets NO EMOTIONAL support from you... that call was NOT for his sister, it was for HIM. He wanted you to make HIM feel better.
You need an intermediary in my opinion, you need someone to take your calls.
Your H is scheduled to pick them up at 4pm and to return them at 7 pm
You ask the sitter to arrive at 330 pm to get the kids ready...
YOU LEAVE at 345.
You leavea NOTE to H that the vistiation will work thru a sitter from now on.. and ANY emergencies will to to the HOUSE phone and the sitter... teh SITTER will contact you from that point for any emergency..
While they are gone the sitter helps clean up the home, prepare the kids dinner, or whatever, just ensure the sitter keeps busy for the three hours.
at 7 pm your H returns again with the children and he LEAVES.. ANY info he wants YOU to have he gives to the sitter in a written note, or hte sitter writes the note, it matters little.
The sitter calls YOu from HER cell to your cell and tells you the kids are home safe and that H is gone.
THEN you come home, pay the sitter and send her off... LOCK teh DOOR...do NOT let your H IN.
If your Husband just shows up later that night, and he WILL - TELL him his visitation is OVER and that he does NOT live there and he must LEAVE. Turn the TV on LOUD, tell him if he doens't leave you call the police.
This is NOT that hard, if youc an find a marriae-friendly freind who understands your sitation to do the vistation exchange that's great too... just STOP trying to do it yourself...
You are NOT helping your children OR your marriage by doing the one step - twostep here..
You need to make a COMMITMENT to No contact and keep it, you MUST see the parallel here with YOu not keeping YOUR commitment to no contact and your HUSBAND not keeping his commitment to his marraige... its the SAME problem.
Set an example of commitment by NOT letting him CONTACT you. It WILL drive him CRAZY and FORCE him to end his affair...
It may take several weeks, but with your commitment statement written and in his hand, he KNOWS what he needs to do to change the arrangement for hte beter.
THe NO CONTACT setup you HAVE is a GLIMPSE of DIVORCE... he will NOT like it...
SHOW him what he is headed for with an opportunity to AVOID it and he WILL take the steps he needs to keep his family...
But YOU need to follow through on this... if you break down and let him IN you SPOIL the entire strategy and put him right back itno his affair and his addiction again.
Thanks pup... my point was mainly to describe how you CAN do NC with children involved.. it works that way AFTER divorce... and he's already moved out, so it makes it a LOT easier than it was for me.. I was living in the same home with my WS.
It IS doable... COST? Sure, but you offload that to H, its HIS visitation.. why should YOU pay for it? He wants to see his kids while he's cheating, its going to cost him because you have to hire someone to handle the pick up and drop off...
if he doens't like the cost... all he has to do is...
mb, there are aspects to NC with your H that have not been mentioned in awhile.
After a week or 2, the peace will return to your life. Everything will slow down a bit and your head will begin to clear. (It seems you are in what's been called "the BS fog".) Not meant to be an insult...many of us have been there. You will wonder why you fought it so hard. As time goes on, the stress and obsessing stop. You can focus on you and the kids, rather than just going through the motions. AND, you can keep your loving feelings for your H. Constantly trying to convince him, will destroy those feelings. He will begin to pursue you more. You have felt a bit of this, and it was great, right! Make him pursue until he says the magic words I just posted for nm. "I dumped the ho".
Right now, he has you on the end of a string that he can jerk to see if you are still there.
It will be ok. Commit to 1 month and then re-evaluate. I'll bet you won't have to wait that long. There is a funny u-tube thing that I will go find for you. BBS
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
This is intended to make you laugh, and lighten things up a bit for you. No other meaning intended. If you are easily offended by nasty words, skip it! (watch/listen out of earshot of little ones)
