It really sounds like you're on the right track! Leave him wanting more of you! He seems to seesaw between his attitudes towards you, but the cool thing is that you have more control over the seesaw than you think.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I'm here in the back room, knowing I'm doing the right thing. Why does it hurt so much? I want immediate gratification! I want H to come in here and pursue me! I want him to get the message! lol I know this is the wrong perspective, I"m just noticing myself. It feels like it's over. I just can't reward his crappy behavior with attention right now. too much self respect (finally).
Oi missus, 2x4 stop the feeling sorry for yourself right this minute..
You have had the biggest apology out of him yet so far! He is still being remorceful a few days later that is unheard off..
Watch the going dark doesnt look like revenge or sulking, just personal time out space for you to recooperate from having S most of the time on your own..
Just a thought as much as I know how you feel about protecting S make sure you not sending out imcompitance signals to H about his ability to look after S, make sure your boundaries mention your concerns about his anger not his abilities..
Every big break through for yourself takes a large dollop of pain to get too each time.. trouble is I think youve had a few concurrent dollops and its knocking you a bit.. accept it, breathe through it and move forward.
Always around for you hun!
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
lr you are right. It's been tough but there are major strides happening this past week so no more feeling sorry for myself!!!!
THat was also lack of sleep and a dose of PMS talking
H did come in later to chit chat we were organizing papers for tax time. One of my 180s since early on was to be more organized and financially capable - I was proud that I had receipts, tax info, all that organized. I took an accounting class this winter and I got a small bookkeeping job so I'm really doing better in that regard. It's a relief for H to not feel alone when dealing with finances, so we were laughing and getting along.
This morning he was really trying to stay calm. He said as much, joking about "I think it would be better if I go into a rampage." So glad to be able to poke some fun back at him, after last week and him poking fun at me through the cat!~ and I noticed S did so much better at not having a tempertantrum when mom and dad were not having them
This work of the past week of setting and keeping my boundaries is really changing the dynamic between us. I am hopeful - and this time not just in the "hope he takes me back" way, but the "hope we can have a healthy happy relationship" way. I'm more sure than ever I don't want him to come back until we can straighten these boundaries out.
Yes I will mention it's the anger, not the competence I worry about in his parenting - good advice. DOn't want to push the insecurity button. And I took my space as "me time" and was still open when he came in and talked with me. I just wanted to not pursue, and that felt good.
WEll so much for going dark - but I have been letting H come to me and it's working. H admitted to me what his blow ups were about this week. WE're signing the legal sep. papers and we're at 11 months post bomb, coming up on a year. It's packed with emotion. I was actually surprised this was affecting him so deeply. He can be so cold and as LBS we often assume the WAS doesn't care. I guess the silver lining is that if this is all affecting him, even negatively, he still cares? I invited him to talk with me about it further some night when we aren't so tired and thanked him for helping my understand what was under his blowups.
And strangely enough, H was sweet as pie again tonight. A friend came over, we all had dinner and made cookies. THe mood was light and fun and lots of laughter and sweetness. H mowed the lawn for the first time in months. He also fixed the lawn mower. I thanked him for still doing things around the house for us despite all that's gone down. I gave him a big hug and he felt happy and even stroked my back for a second. Felt so domestic and normal, like the old days. And this on the back of legal separation and our talk where he said he has little hope for our future - and all the fear of his verbal abuse and needing to set boundaries to walk if he doesn't own it ----it's so confusing. But on a gut level, tonight and last night felt wonderful! So confuuuuuuused.
Oh and I got the biggest, fullest "Good night" from the other room yet!
- Oven was left on. H did not yell about this. This would normally be a huge trigger.
- H made told me his weekend plans ahead of time.
- H admitted he has been on anti-anxiety drugs and that they are helping him cope with trying not to blow up.
- H hung out with me in the same room last night and instead of shutting me out through the computer, was communicative about what he was doing, chatting while he was doing stuff.
Another thing - I'm getting a new couch (used, but it's Crate and Barrel, for a steal!) and I got a new computer from H (a hand me down, but much better). Could symbolize this new direction I"m in.
Also, all my heaviness last week was also tied to that time of the month. I'm 41 now and I'm feeling PMS at least half the month! Time to get a hormone check and start dealing with the changes. I can't take the depression on top of all this stress!
It's depressing as I always wanted to have a second child. Facing this won't happen unless I give birth to the second Messiah is not fun.
H4L I'm taking St Johns Wort every day to help with mood -- I definitely it helps for low grade stuff. I also recommend The Mood Cure, that recommends low cost supplements for depression, PMS, etc. I've been taking those as well for quite a while.
It really sounds like you guys are on the 2 steps forward, one step back route. The setbacks are really really hard, but gosh I can see a lot of reasons for optimism as well. If I knew that H and I would be where you are in 9 months, I would be sooo relieved.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Well done for keeping dim yet assessible not easy! Sorry cut short chatting stupid PC was being well stupid lol! Enjoy your new purchase hun! Hope you tested it for seating two, we saw some nice two seaters today called snuggles, just big enough for two to snuggle or a mini couch for one!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
