I've hit a wall.. Now what?

[talia]

I think I might have missed an interesting opportunity to win some control yesterday.... UGH


So H emailed me 3 times since Monday asking for a a status update on our 2009 taxes. As per not so recent postings - I've been NC and ignoring any request that isn't a phone call. After 3 days - H send me a text asking me to call him last night when I was available and fill him in. BIG 180 for him - finally giving in on something I decided on Tuesday - thanks to you guys - I didn't give a crap about anymore.
I thought about it a whole bunch - I planned on calling him and then I chickened out and texted him a quick update. I didn't want to get into a long discussion with him. I was afraid of what else he might ask or what he might say. Plus I was at work all evening and couldn't really talk.

So today - just now on my lunch break - I called and left him an update message with an explanation. I'm not sure it was the right thing to do... UGH. Now I'm second guessing that decision. I want the more personal contact because its easier for me - I work better on the fly. I over think things if I have the time. It was a quick friendly breezy message - just telling him sorry I couldn't call last night - stuck at work - I was working on the taxes and I'd send him a copy when they were done. Just wanted to leave him a quick message and if he had any questions to give me a call otherwise have a great weekend.

I hate the fact that I can't seem to decide what a happy medium is. Its either fix the marriage - or F YOU.... and I'm really on the fence about fixing the marriage. Obviously I'm not nearly as clear about my feelings ALL the time... I think I'm to the indifferent part and then something happens to pull me back to the "not so sure what I want" part...

I hate not knowing how best to handle things. I don't want to be super B!tch but at the same time I just really don't want to give him one second of my time - for ANY reason. That's totally unrealistic because we need to deal with joint stuff whether I like it or not....

It seems that I'm moving forward when He's not interacting with me... Out of sigh and out of mind... But when we are interacting I start second guessing where I'm at and if I'm doing the right thing by giving up on DBing and moving toward the D... then I think moving toward the D IS DBing because there isn't anything else I can do anyway.... AND now my head hurts...

Now I'm all crabby in general... mad at myself ... mad at H for causing this entire situation... - everything.

I hate bad days....


T