flowmom | shifting from devastated to rebuilding

[flowmom]

OK, I am really confused about timelines here.

It's been almost 2 months since H moved out.

We only had one brief R talk about 10 days after H moved out where he said that he hasn't closed the door to reconciliation but he has *no* desire to work on our M. We had the understanding that we are in a "trial separation" and that H agreed to tell me if something changes in our status. Even that wasn't really a convo because I barely said anything.

Since then there has been no R talk, and only a brief reference to D and to H dating (on H's part -- no reaction from me).

We're 2 months in, and I see that a lot of couples are heavy into D negotiations and legalities by 4 months. Is this in fact a pattern, that things shift at 4 months? Should I be expecting this?

I know that the advice is to not talk about the R or D or S in a sitch like mine. But when I read people's threads, it seems like people mostly are having R/D/S talks quite regularly after S.

I feel like I'm out at sea not having a clue of H's state of mind. I think that I basically am dark with H because we only talk about coparenting and that is extremely brief and to the point. I might make the odd comment like "how did your appt go" when he comes back from a dentist appt, but that's mostly for the kids' benefit (don't want to be totally NC with H in front of the kids).

I guess I'm wondering if there is a window to be proactive here before the legal negotiations are on the table. I know that I won't get any answers that I want from H, but I'm wondering if there could be a benefit in getting my H to go to the IC:

• 1. he would hear some wisdom from the IC who is totally experienced in MC and divorce work too (since he apparently isn't getting wise counsel from his friends or family). Not wisdom on how to reconcile, but wisdom on how to manage the separation if H is not ready to completely close the door to our M (which is what I last heard from him).
• 2. he could hear some simple, clear statements from me about my intentions, which he may be wondering about after seeing those books and my other 180s which could look like I'm moving on (which worries me because H is super sensitive to rejection and that could harden him to me and our M).

Sorry to be on about this but I just feel like something's going to shift and I want to influence what direction that goes in.