its been a while. been talking on the phone with one of you... hope you are doing ok today man.
ok so the last couple of weeks the rollercoaster goes up and down. spent two weekends up at W-Town. Had a couple of dust ups... lots of tension and we agreed for now I can't stay there-- slept at a friends.
I did a real no-no and read her journal. Told her. This actually in some ways I think has helped us move forward. I read not all of it but enough to know that as far back as 10 years ago she was feeling bad, feeling my withdrawl, my abandonment... don't know how she put up with all that for 10 years. So now I understand her pain better, her wounds better, where she is coming from. She actually has said this too-- that in some ways it has helped us. obviously from a building trust standpoint not so much-- but we really have been conversing better than we ever had this week..(see below)
Monday she talked to her therapist and felt that we needed to be "separated". I told her I had felt that way for 7 months... she had been in denial, I guess about that... now she accepts that.
I've been understanding, calm, and supportive of her this week. she has commented that for the first time she is starting to believe me... believe my words. She says that she wants nothing more than to believe me. She says she wants us to be a success story. She just feels that for now, for us to heal, when I move up there, I need to live somewhere else. I agree. The house is small, it is her sanctuary, and I need to respect that.
Wednesday was wierd. she had a lot of anxiety, was crying...then she said, "do you think we could just pack it up and move somewhere together new...and start again." of course I said yes... then she said she really wanted that... then of course the next day not so much. but we still have been talking about it.
our conversations have been normal, nice... she told me she loved me last night. we talked again today a few times. she went and looked at a house for me. talked about how the lease could go to august, how it wasn't forever...
so the "baby steps" part of me feels like this is all really nice stuff. the negative part of me thinks this is just her keeping me where she wants me... but it really seems like something is different. It is tough to move ahead a little when the hope starts coming in.
but I have been dbing a bit. went out with some folks twice this week, been scrubbing cases to get ready to do the type of work I'm going to do up there... trying to keep busy during the day.
I'm going to drive up and meet her halfway to take the boys for the weekend. Probably going to drive to raleigh to go to a museum or something fun tomorrow-- if anyone knows that area let me know if you know of some fun things to do with 6 year old boys.
So any thoughts about where things are? I do think there are some good things happening...
