At a min. I need to really GAL and take my balls back cause right now I am operating completely out of fear and she can smell. If she gonna file then F – it go ahead.
This is the start of a good mindset.
GAL, PMA, and all that stuff doesn't mean ignore the reality staring you in the face.
It also does not mean that you need to pretend everything is fine, when it's not.
If you've got a spouse who is actively turning to another, everything is NOT fine, and there's no reason to try to make interactions between the two of you appear to be "all fine."
Personally, I would have nothing to do with her if I thought she was still seeing another person. And I would let her know that I thought it was disrespectful to continue living in the house while she did so.
That would be taking back your balls, to a certain extent.
That doesn't mean you have to become surly. In fact, the opposite should be the case. Having cleared the air with your TRUE feelings, you are free make yourself the priority.
You getting to the bottom of you, you finding out how to be a respected Dad - these things are important work. And they will help you to become a man you can feel good about.
Don't let this consume you. I understand how it can. I offer you my perspective, having been through this mess, that the end result you most fear will NOT destroy you, even though it feels like it will now.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Personally, I would have nothing to do with her if I thought she was still seeing another person. And I would let her know that I thought it was disrespectful to continue living in the house while she did so.
Bill - thanks again. Confronting her about her disrespect would not be a wise choice in my opinion right now. I was the one who looked at the phone bill. I suspect that it is an EA right now. If I confront I would be showing the controlling jealous behavior of the past. Having said this, I do believe that now is the time to really detach and if you will go dark (or as dark as I can go). I think I need to spend some time trying to figure out what I really want and what is in the best interest for me and my kids.
You know over the past few weeks/months it has become very apparent to me that she has emotionally detached. I really no longer have a marriage. She is having all of her emotional needs met by someone else. Once I figure out what I really want I think it is time to call it for what it is. I still do hold out hope but I need to be realistic in that it will take TWO to save this. Right now, she is going thru her own issues. I need to protect myself first and foremost. This is a sad day for me as I think I coming to grips with the situation that I am dealing with. Right now, I do not think that we can be friends. Too much damage by both of us.
Am I ready to completely call it a day - NO but I have to tell you that I am getting close. Not because I do not love her but more because I love myself.
She has made me feel like a second class husband. She has not accepted any responsiblity for any of this. She is working to position herself and I am the one trying to be nice. I do not think that I can be nice anymore. I just really fed up with her. Sorry more anger. I feel that I have grown at least in the area of making decisions when I am angry. I will take some time to think this thru but right now I feel that I may need to call it a day. My only regret is that part of me feel like I am giving up - but I cannot make her fall in love with me again - not when she is so closed off and connected to another.
I guess this is part of the acceptance phase of grieving.
Everyone - thank you for being here for me. I will forever be grateful for everyone words and perspective.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I do believe that now is the time to really detach and if you will go dark (or as dark as I can go).
Good!
Quote:
I think I need to spend some time trying to figure out what I really want and what is in the best interest for me and my kids.
Even Better!
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You know over the past few weeks/months it has become very apparent to me that she has emotionally detached. I really no longer have a marriage.
The truth...very good to accept this.
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Not because I do not love her but more because I love myself.
You are getting closer to were you need to be everyday
Quote:
She has made me feel like a second class husband. She has not accepted any responsiblity for any of this. She is working to position herself and I am the one trying to be nice. I do not think that I can be nice anymore. I just really fed up with her. Sorry more anger. I feel that I have grown at least in the area of making decisions when I am angry. I will take some time to think this thru but right now I feel that I may need to call it a day. My only regret is that part of me feel like I am giving up - but I cannot make her fall in love with me again - not when she is so closed off and connected to another.
This anger....healthy and natural. Do I think some of it is self-pity? Yes.....you are stronger than this. You will be nice...because you are strong. You will continue to to work on yourself and eventually not be a second class husband....YOU WILL BECOME A FIRST CLASS MAN!
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I guess this is part of the acceptance phase of grieving.
Very true....your OLD marriage is done! Whether you two reconcile or not...it is done. Now is time for bigger and better things....starting with yourself.
You are very close Eric....soon you find a lot of the answers to the questions you ask of yourself................be strong and don't give up....it is out there waiting...you just need to pay the price.
Quote: I do believe that now is the time to really detach and if you will go dark (or as dark as I can go).
I am not trying to be a pessamist here but chances are that this will not work. Why? Cause quite frankly she is already emotionally detached.
quote]This anger....healthy and natural. Do I think some of it is self-pity? Yes.....you are stronger than this. You will be nice...because you are strong. You will continue to to work on yourself and eventually not be a second class husband....YOU WILL BECOME A FIRST CLASS MAN![/quote]
The anger for me will pass. For her, I am not sure. She has bottle up a lot over 16 years and since she is one that does not like conflict she probably will not deal with her anger for a very while. The self pity is probably guilt. I do feel guilty of mistakes and things that I did in the M. I am getting better at forgiving myself but I have to say that a big part of me feels like I lost the women of my dreams. I know that the D is not final but the emotions are gone. On a positive note, I do feel that if she could get out her anger that she may reconsider but with the OM it may be tough. This would be the only reason that I would confront her about OM. I think puppy dog suggest that you confront. I almost feel like I have nothing else to loose. I am going to go dark for a few weeks and see what happens. If that does not work then I suspect that I will confront.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Going dark will not work because in the context that I am doing it I am still using it as a ploy to get her back. The going dark should be about me trying to find who I am. I assume this is the right answer.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
It may not change the situation but it would make ME fell better but then again...only for a day or so and then I would be faced with the reality of what my action caused.
Wow - I think I am changing - I think Cat would be proud of me.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Eric I remember one of my most favorite songs during my sitch was Tim McGraw - Let it Go...
Tim McGraw, Let It Go
I’ve been caught sideways out here on the crossroads Trying to buy back the pieces I lost of my soul It’s hard when the devil won’t get off your back It’s like carrying around the past in a hundred pound sack
{Chorus} Today I’m gonna keep on walking I’m gonna hold my head up high I’m gonna leave it all behind Today I’m gonna stand out in the rain Let it wash it all away Yeah wash it all away I’m gonna let it go Oh yeah I’m gonna let it go Oh yeah
Skeletons and Ghosts are hiding in the shadows Threatening me with all the things that they know Choices and mistakes, they all know my name But I’m through holding in and holding onto all that pain
Today I’m gonna keep on walking I’m gonna hold my head up high Got No more tears to cry Today I’m gonna stand out in the rain Let it wash it all away Yeah wash it all away I’m gonna let it go Oh yeah I’m gonna let it go Oh yeah
And I know I know I know I know I’ve been forgiven I know I know I know I’m gonna start living Today I’m gonna keep on walking I’m gonna hold my head up high I’m gonna leave it all behind Today I’m gonna stand out in the rain Let it wash it all away Yeah wash it all away I’m gonna let it go Oh yeah I’m gonna let it go Oh yeah I’m gonna let it go Oh yeah Oh yeah
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
Going dark will not work because in the context that I am doing it I am still using it as a ploy to get her back. The going dark should be about me trying to find who I am. I assume this is the right answer.
Is that the answer you want to give ?
Then give it....
Don't assume anything....
Eric, this answer has to be for you, not me.
If that is what you feel, then you are correct...
That WOULD have been my answer as well, then again, I don't live your life.
I am seeing some of the insecurities that you have spoken of.
That is why this work HAS to be for you, not the marriage.
The understanding of that work, is coming to you.
If you live and learn for you, and take the time to understand the Monster labeled MLC, then these answers will come to you when you need them.
I would really hate for you to have a chance at a positive interaction down the road, then for you to excuse yourself, and come here to post , so that you can respond to each question.
You are doing really well with your growth.....
I just want this to become a part of you, and not because someone else said so....
Right now, I see you as a hamster on a wheel, and you are spinning in circles, looking for that elusive piece of cheese....
When you get off the wheel, it will be there wating for you to stop....
