mb, you can tell him that you will only communicate via email. BUT if he has the kids, I know you probably worry about an emergency, right? So think about how you want to handle communication when he has the kids and tell him.
As for the text, yeah, my WH has wished me a happy b-day, happy 4th July, happy thanksgiving, and merry Christmas...so what? (don't mean to sound harsh but he is still with OW and your H is still communicating with OW).
Don't respond.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
IT takes SECONDS to write happy birthday.. and to be honest, he may have been WITH OW when he typed it... is that your idea of a happy birthday wish? It's quite perverse I think...
Email only is my vote too... and have someone screen the email.
The PROBELM with the phone and the kids is, he's gonna use ANY excuse to call... hangnail, etc...
I would HIRE a sitter to sit with him and the kids and have HER call you if there is need... THAT way you dont have to hear from him at all
THe BIG problem mb28, is that you expect him to NOT call when you tell him to... You need to ACTIVELY PROTECT yourself from him.. you can't just ASK him to stay away, he's NOT going to.
And YOU seem to be having a serious struggle keeping him away on your end too... so between the two of you, you are both enabling this dynamic to continue... it WILL continue for months that way... maybe even years.
You need to make a big change to keep him out.. my vote is to hire a sitter for the kids and tell him to ask HEr to call if there is an emergency... and filter out all his calls and email from taht point on..
This is a great idea mb. Stop letting him in the house. Change the locks. Set up fixed days and times for visitation when you can have the kids ready and waiting at the door. He won't know what he is losing til it is gone!
I know how hard and scary NC is. It doesn't make sense either. When you want something, you go and get it. NOT in this case! It is hard to believe, but you are doing almost as much damage to your marriage as he is right now, by continuing to contact him. You cannot control him. You cannot reason with him. You can only feed his addiction.
There is a physical side to what you are going through. The obsession you feel is likely caused by a lack serotonin. Try uping the protein in your diet and a supplement called 5-HTP will make you feel much better.
Have you told him how painful contact is while he is seeing someone else? Have you asked him not to contact you? Have you put it in writing so he can refer back to it? Make it very clear you want your marriage but that there isn't a marriage with the way things are now.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
It is hard to believe, but you are doing almost as much damage to your marriage as he is right now, by continuing to contact him. You cannot control him. You cannot reason with him. You can only feed his addiction.
Have you told him how painful contact is while he is seeing someone else? Have you asked him not to contact you? Have you put it in writing so he can refer back to it? Make it very clear you want your marriage but that there isn't a marriage with the way things are now.
I couldnt' have typed a better post if I prayed for guidance.
This is exactly my point, you BOTH are damaging your marriage when you pick up the phone.
No Contact is SCARY but do-able. You just hire a sitter to watch them and to show them out when your husband arrives... you do NOT need to BE there when he picks them UP or when he drops them OFF...
And any emergency re the children he can send to the sitter.
We dont' know what visitation arrangement you have made exactly at this point, but I suspect it is not conducive to NC, so you may have to change it.
Write you out your commitment statement to him as Whatnow said, and THEN END CONTACT with him.. PERIOD.
I know its hard and counter-intuitive, but it is JUST as HARD for HIM, you've SEEN his desperate NEED to keep in contact with you... when you tak that AWAY he is FORCED to make a CHOICE...
He gets YOU and his family or the OW and her trainwreck of a marriage she's running damage control on right now... what do you think he's giong to choose?
Can I just say I'm wow'd by all the support, advice, and help you've given MB and everyone on here. You really put a lot of time into your responses. It's great. I too follow and take your advice.
Your H is scheduled to pick them up at 4pm and to return them at 7 pm
You ask the sitter to arrive at 330 pm to get the kids ready...
YOU LEAVE at 345.
You leavea NOTE to H that the vistiation will work thru a sitter from now on.. and ANY emergencies will to to the HOUSE phone and the sitter... teh SITTER will contact you from that point for any emergency..
While they are gone the sitter helps clean up the home, prepare the kids dinner, or whatever, just ensure the sitter keeps busy for the three hours.
at 7 pm your H returns again with the children and he LEAVES.. ANY info he wants YOU to have he gives to the sitter in a written note, or hte sitter writes the note, it matters little.
The sitter calls YOu from HER cell to your cell and tells you the kids are home safe and that H is gone.
THEN you come home, pay the sitter and send her off... LOCK teh DOOR...do NOT let your H IN.
If your Husband just shows up later that night, and he WILL - TELL him his visitation is OVER and that he does NOT live there and he must LEAVE. Turn the TV on LOUD, tell him if he doens't leave you call the police.
This is NOT that hard, if youc an find a marriae-friendly freind who understands your sitation to do the vistation exchange that's great too... just STOP trying to do it yourself...
You are NOT helping your children OR your marriage by doing the one step - twostep here..
You need to make a COMMITMENT to No contact and keep it, you MUST see the parallel here with YOu not keeping YOUR commitment to no contact and your HUSBAND not keeping his commitment to his marraige... its the SAME problem.
Set an example of commitment by NOT letting him CONTACT you. It WILL drive him CRAZY and FORCE him to end his affair...
It may take several weeks, but with your commitment statement written and in his hand, he KNOWS what he needs to do to change the arrangement for hte beter.
THe NO CONTACT setup you HAVE is a GLIMPSE of DIVORCE... he will NOT like it...
SHOW him what he is headed for with an opportunity to AVOID it and he WILL take the steps he needs to keep his family...
But YOU need to follow through on this... if you break down and let him IN you SPOIL the entire strategy and put him right back itno his affair and his addiction again.
Also, the 4 hours you are gone you can use to STUDY at a library or a friend's place, or go out to eat and read some textbooks... its four hours a week or whatever that YOU are free to focus on school or whatever you want...
AND you KNOW you woant have to deal with H.
This IS how DIVORCE works once the papers are signed.. he gets vistiation rights and once his visit is OVER he goes AWAY... bye bye.
He does NOT like that, he EXPECTS you to BE there for his calls when he wants to call... YOU need to show him what DIVORCE is like so he gets a TASTE of the dirction he's headed.
If you dont' show him where he's headed, he's NOT going to stop his affair... he needs to SEE the WATERFALL his ship is headed to or he's NOT giong to turn around the boat. See?
When you contact him you are showing him he's sailing nice and safe down the river... he needs to SEE the DANGER SIGN... NO CONTACT gives him a NASTY taste of DIVORCE...
He's cake eating right now and he's NOT gonig to quit under those cirucmstances...
