...........What I personally have trouble with, is my W included in this group or not? How can I figure this out when my DW (who is normally so talkative and has such strong opinions about every topic in the whole world, except this one?) clams up so tight and will not discuss these things with me? If she will not talk about it, and I can understand for a woman it is NORMAL :> not to talk about it, what means of sensing and knowing can I use to figure this out myself?
One thing that I have learned from some recent therapy is that my wife gets flooded with emotion at the thought of certain sexual topics/acts. By this I mean that she gets herself into what is near a panic attack and can not really hear what I am saying/asking, cannot rationally think, and emotionally shuts down and wants to withdraw.
Some of the things that cause this emotional "flooding" and agitation are disucssions on sexual frequency, oral sex, doggie style, wearing something sexy to bed, doing a strip tease for me, touching my penis, and a host of "other sex-realted acts" that are triggered by a very inhibited sexual upbringing. When she is in one of these moods the best thing that I can do is just hold her in a non-sexual way and try to calm her or let her withdraw and be by herself.
While some might argue for a man to sexually take what he NATURALLY needs, if I tried to force my wife into doggie style sex, which is something I would really like to do someday and a NATURAL need of mine, it would probably be much akin to rape and emotinal torture to my wife.
AN OPEN QUESTION TO DQ, WALKING, et al?
As someone who is in a SSM and NEEDS more sex (to prevent my initiating a divorce), but can't really talk about sexual frequency and can't really take what he NATURALLY wants and needs....what options do I have, but to be the "considerate/consulting" lover? Or act in the bedroom as a non-alpha male (even if everyone I work with thinks of me as an alpha male)?
My greatest sexual success has lately been after slavishly providing my wife with 30 to 45 minute foot massages, followed by back massage, followed by kissing and foreplay that results in her pulling me onto her for missionary position sex. Most other things just don't seem to work and variety of sexual positions does not seem to be an option. My wife has repeatedly told our sex therapist that genitals are "dirty" and not to be touched, which drives both the therapist and myself into jaw-clenching silence. The sex therapist has tried to talk to her about that, but not gotten anywhere with it.
The reason for my post is that some of us in the SSM forum are trying as best we can to cope with some really heavy lifting in our relationships/marriages. Not all wives (spouses) are as capable of ML as some.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
