Oh, honey, I didn't mean to make you cry, but at the same time I understand. There were people here when I was here before that made ME cry; the kindness was overwhelming when I first arrived as "HurtingBadly"; and while I felt like this was ALL MY FAULT, they helped me to understand that it WASN'T, and that I was worth something to others. My self esteem WAS that low, and my confidence wasn't much higher.
The two by fours that eventually people get hit with, LOL, didn't come until a little later when I was asking question after question, and was having a little trouble getting it. LOL!! I never took those personally; and was really impatient with myself.
In time, though, I did get it, and began to come forward on my own journey; all the while watching him come along; and I ended up writing as my understanding opened; I truly wanted to help people benefit from what I had learned; instead of keeping it to myself. That was the main reason for the stages I wrote, plus the sermons I penned during that time.
When I became a Mentor, I never hit anyone with the virtual 2x4, preferring instead to keep explaining things in so many different ways, that I knew they'd eventually "get it", it would just take time. Also, back in those days we used to exchange emails and such; I used to take emails from people, as well...when it got to the point they were complaining about each other instead of sticking to the MLC business that was facing all of us, I stopped taking them, refusing to find myself in the middle, when I helped ALL people, not just a select few that posted to my thread. I was unable to read into everyone's situations, but I found myself able to read into quite a few.
I used to have a single thread set up; and there were regular people that posted to it, and we had discussions about everything you could imagine, questions were asked and answered, and I spent ALOT of time reading and posting on that single thread until it got too big, got locked, and I'd set up another one. Gosh, that was really back in the day! Makes me feel old, and I'm NOT that old, LOL!!
Ok on to the business at hand;
Quote:
One of my biggest obstacles or problems (??) is that my H has not also abandoned the kids----he stays connected to them with baseball/softball and for the most part "gets them" on his days (although the girls often end up with me for part of his weekends). I know I should be happy that he hasn't disconnected from them as well----but I haven't read about many MLC dads that do this.....so I often find myself wondering if I'm the insane one and that this isn't MLC.....even though I KNOW there is something wrong. I do think (of course being in MY position I would think this), that it would be easier for ME if he wasn't so involved with them....mostly because he seems to find problems with so many things that I do that involve them, and we are now on completely different pages as far as HOW involved with ball they should be---and I've let him be in charge of that..........but that's the way it is.
Looks like an obstacle for you, not something you can't handle. Can't have things totally the way you want it to be; especially during MLC. Many husbands/fathers totally abandon their children; is this what you'd like to see happen so it would be easier for you? I asked THAT to make you think about what you're saying.
I really don't think that's really what you want, because; as the old say goes, "Be careful of what you ask for, you just might get it." Though you THINK you would want that, in reality, I believe you wouldn't. It would hurt you MORE than you think in the long run.
I have a habit of asking "thinking questions" to make people think..the answers are there within, but untapped. I might know the answer, but people benefit more from looking within, and it makes a deeper impact when they discover they DO, indeed contain that answer they are looking for. Hey, I get done the SAME way; when I'm trying to sort things out; someone else makes ME think, too.
If you read some of my history, you'll see that my husband strove to get closer to our son while shutting me out. He did everything he could do to mend the break in their relationship, while he made dang sure he kept his distance from me. Opposites, remember? Don't worry about the problems he seems to have with what you do that involve the children...let that go, it's not but a small thing in the greater scheme of things. I was and am still to a certain extent, protective of my son; I had him, I raised him, and I would NOT have stood for my husband to mistreat him in any way; Dad or no Dad; MLC or not.
I'm a gentle person until someone does something to my son..then I'm a raging bear; motherly instinct ain't got nothing on me.
It is normal to be on a completely different page concerning the children. Our son was 15, yet my husband was trying to treat him like a 6 year old..BIG DIFFERENCE in what you do regarding ages. At 15, son had more freedom to make his own decisions and stuff as he was nearing adulthood...and husband was trying to keep making decisions FOR him as if he were still little.
I had to sit down and talk to our son about it, especially after yet another episode of husband talking to me as if I were a dog or dirt under his feet....my son was trying to convince me to get a divorce, was angry at his dad, and said he hated him for what he was doing(son knew about OW, had asked me about it) I told him it wasn't that easy, and tried to explain the best I could about MLC, and why it was happening, and encouraged son to develop a relationship with his dad. In my eyes, though I KNEW he was doing wrong, he was STILL the father of our son.
I kept my distance from my husband and watched from the sidelines for as long as it took for my husband to turn back toward me. All the while continuing to counsel our son, and keep him updated(and he was old enough to understand quite a bit of what was going on)
A few years after it was all said and done, our son thanked me for doing that...because I was unwilling to watch their relationship deteriorate, they were able to fashion something between themselves.
Son is 23 now, and although they still butt heads occasionally, they are close.
I said all that to say this: Just be glad he is still connecting with them, it may be through them that he eventually returns to you.
There are many people who do not have that kind of connection through their children, and things deteriorate badly.
At this time your blessings are many, in spite of the situation at hand..and things right now do not look right, smell right or taste right at this point. He looks to be in a combination of Anger and Replay.
And you have to continue to be patient and work on yourself.
I still think you've got a fighting chance, and that it's not too late for you...it's never over until it's truly finished.
Like I've said before either here or somewhere else, he would have to remarry or you would have to move to a place where you no longer wanted him before it's truly over.
Hope this helps.
Much love, HB
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
My W-2 was missing in action for awhile, but I just found it. Please let your counsel know that my wages were $X. I will get you a copy. I've been working on an updated property statement for you and her and I'm almost done. I'm going to do this myself, so please ask her to contact me so that we can collect all the information we need.
I knew he wouldn't be able to contact an attorney to do this----he would have to admit to someone, a peer, what he has done. I really don't know how he thinks he can "do this himself," but I guess that's not my problem.
I would like to answer: Thank you. I will need the w-2 and the statement from your commodity trading company in order to have the taxes done. I am sorry that you feel that this is the answer, and I am very very sorry that I disagree with you so strongly. I will have my attorney contact you.
thoughts?
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Just paraphrasing his last e-mail to me where he said he was very very sorry to be disagreeing with me........and in a way I am sorry----that I can't roll over and just give him what he wants (me to hire a L to do all the work)----but I can't. I still think it's WRONG. I would like to make him happy----still feel like it's my job........but I can't this time.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
BUT---I still VERY much want to send him another e-mail or call him and ask him why he won't just TALK to me before all of this starts----I mean seriously, only talking D via e-mail??? Is that really what I have to settle for? Is this really something most people can accept??
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Makes me feel old, and I'm NOT that old, LOL!!
