WEll so much for going dark - but I have been letting H come to me and it's working. H admitted to me what his blow ups were about this week. WE're signing the legal sep. papers and we're at 11 months post bomb, coming up on a year. It's packed with emotion. I was actually surprised this was affecting him so deeply. He can be so cold and as LBS we often assume the WAS doesn't care. I guess the silver lining is that if this is all affecting him, even negatively, he still cares? I invited him to talk with me about it further some night when we aren't so tired and thanked him for helping my understand what was under his blowups.
And strangely enough, H was sweet as pie again tonight. A friend came over, we all had dinner and made cookies. THe mood was light and fun and lots of laughter and sweetness. H mowed the lawn for the first time in months. He also fixed the lawn mower. I thanked him for still doing things around the house for us despite all that's gone down. I gave him a big hug and he felt happy and even stroked my back for a second. Felt so domestic and normal, like the old days. And this on the back of legal separation and our talk where he said he has little hope for our future - and all the fear of his verbal abuse and needing to set boundaries to walk if he doesn't own it ----it's so confusing. But on a gut level, tonight and last night felt wonderful! So confuuuuuuused.
Oh and I got the biggest, fullest "Good night" from the other room yet!
