I saw this post on another forum. This is from a wife who isn't attracted to her husband and she is struggling to figure out "why". To me, she is describing the non-alpha male behaviors that can be such a turn off to a woman, and that is why she isn't sexually attracted to him. I'm going to bold some of her statements to hi-light the non-alpha behaviors.
"When I met my husband 4 years ago, I felt I finally met someone that wasn't selfish. Felt it was an equal relationship. Didn't feel like I had to do all the giving. We were very attracted to each other and best of friends. We are both Christians and wanted to wait till after marriage before having sex and in the beginning it was very hard to keep those boundaries, but we did. We had both had sexual relationships in the past, but wanted to wait this time. Then about 5-6 months into the relationship I started to realise it was easier to keep the physical boundaries and I started to wonder if I was losing my attraction for him. It was strange for me because I am usually the opposite and have a very high libido. At the same time I was starting to notice that he allowed people to take advantage of his kindness, but I told myself that it was better for someone to be too nice than be too selfish and it was probably just my unhealthy past relationships that I was used to.
After a year of going out I noticed that it was like a switch was turned off inside of me and I had no desire for sex with him. Which was convenient at the time as we were waiting till after marriage. I was concerned, but I honestly thought maybe God was giving me strength to restrain myself. I also thought maybe because I'm being loved so well, that maybe that fulfilled me enough so I didn't desire sex as much. I was also going through a lot of stress. I just hoped and believed it would probably return when we got married. But we got married and it didn't. In fact just after we got married I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism. When we had tried to have sex it was painful, which is a new experience for me as I have never found it painful. But I realise now that I was not at all aroused, so of course it was painful. When I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism I thought that must be the reason for the lack of libido.
However, I have been in remission for over a year now and my libido never returned. I was checked out physically and everything is working fine. However, we can't have sex because I'm not aroused no matter how hard I try and its just painful (lubs are not enough). We have now been married for 2 years and I have only just discovered that I think my lack of arousal is due to my lack of attraction for my husband and due to being in denial about him being "too nice". It's hard to be angry and resentful with someone who is just so nice to you and does everything in their power to make you happy. I kept pushing my true feelings down because I felt guilty for thinking such horrible things and thought it was just because I was used to selfish guys and didn't know how to appreciate being loved properly. However, the more I saw him allow people to take advantage of his kindness and the more I saw him avoiding conflict, the more I started to see him as a wimp, demasculated and I was losing respect for him. Anyway, I started to feel like I had to take the leadership role in the family, and that if something needed confronting I would probably be the one to do it. Which doesn't come naturally to me as it is. I also felt like he treated me like a princess and put me up on a pedestal, so I doubted his ability to hold me accountable and challenge me. I was becoming bored as well and didn't feel like he was showing me his real self. I was feeling unsafe wondering whether he would have the guts to stand up for his family. He always said he would confront a situation if it really needed it, but it seemed more like he would do it if it was really bad and he had to. But I don't want to live like that. Only confronting things when the situation is so bad it forces you too. I don't feel safe with always taking life the easy way, avoiding conflict as much as possible, peace at all cost!! I respect an assertive life.
I have been honest with my husband and told him exactly how I feel. He was very hurt and I hated hurting him. He is willing to do whatever it takes to work things out, which is great. We are currently going through an assertive workbook together and also receiving counseling. I'm hoping that if we both learn to be assertive then we might be able to meet in the middle somewhere. I might not hate his lack of assertiveness as much if I can trust myself to be assertive, and if I can trust him to be assertive then maybe I will be able to fall in love with him again.
I'm sorry this has been such a long post. But I was wondering if anyone else has been were we are and maybe are on the other side? It is such a scary feeling losing your attraction for your partner. Is it possible to fall in love again? Its hard to imagine from this position. Also, I lost my attraction so soon into the relationship. Is that a sign that it might not be possible to fall in love again as I fell in love with who I thought he was instead of who he was?"
I think most women would enjoy being dominated slightly sometimes (ie: pushed up against the wall, spanked, or told "what to do" in a sexual situation, hair pulling, etc), but are not going to be into that all the time, every time. Instead, I think most women just enjoy knowing their man is capable of exhibiting this type of raw sexuality - even if he isn't into that himself all the time.
I think you speak for a lot of women. Indeed, I've heard women say this. But not my wife, which might be related to our SSM. Sexual abuse history can obviously complicate a desire to be physically dominated.
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Being UNABLE to exhibit a bit of rough play in the bedroom usualy tells me as a woman that a man will not be able to exhibit other alpha male behaviors....and its the overall alpha behaviors that will be (for me) the long term turn on.
I totally agree. As a thought experiment on myself, I could only imagine that if I did not have the courage to be dominant in bed, I could not imagine how I could have the courage to face a lot of other situations in life, even something so simple as asserting myself with the clerk at the item-return counter in a department store. To be sexually assertive, you have to overcome your own embarrassment at the irrationality of your impulses. You have to accept your sexuality and identify with it. If you feel shame about your sexual impulses, it would be hard to be sexually assertive, at least in a positive way.
But I would like to add another dimension to this discussion, because it is so common among men. Many men, especially men who have a lot of power in the business world, have fantasies about BEING DOMINATED sexually by a woman. Any dominatrix will tell you such men are a big part of their clientele (not that I know one personally ;-). It's as if people want to sexually experience power dynamics which are the opposite of their real life.
I've likewise heard something similar from some women. In fact, some women who were raised in modern-thinking homes, and who believe in equality of the sexes, paradoxically have fantasies about being dominated sexually in a most male-dominated sexist setting. Unfortunately, some of these women think this is inconsistent, and are ashamed of such fantasies. I say, don't worry, you are free to have any fantasy you want, and play it out with an understanding man in the bedroom.
Personally, my ideal woman would be one who could play multiple roles in the bedroom, and could enjoy being dominated as well as be dominating, or various degrees in between. All being consensual, of course. I think you have to cultivate not only having your own fantasies realized, but also take a keen interest in your partner's fantasies and needs and play to them. It's all about communication, both spoken and unspoken.
"Personally, my ideal woman would be one who could play multiple roles in the bedroom, and could enjoy being dominated as well as be dominating, or various degrees in between."
Being that you know your "ideal woman" is not your wife, I am ever-confused about why you are still married.
women "can't help" but be sexually attracted to an alpha male. Sorry guys! We just can't help ourselves! Yeah, he may be a jerk, he may never truly love us, he may be a horrible father, he may be someone we would never choose as a friend. But do we want him to take us in a totally masculine show of fluff and cocksure feathers? Hell yes, we do.
Please speak for yourself DQ, not for all women. I disagree with what you said above.
There's a joke among men about this, which is that it totally depends on if the woman finds you attractive. If you exhibit a totally masculine show of fluff and you're drop-dead handsome, many women will swoon. But if you exhibit the same over-the-top totally masculine show of fluff and you're short, bald, fat, with a sweaty pudgy face and a reedy thin voice, you're a total gross-out lech!
Which kind of gets to one of DQ's points. Since women sometimes have very different tastes in physical characteristics of men, men have to take a RISK when they behave a little outrageously with women. And some women sense that and admire their courage, as if they don't care what the woman thinks. That is, they aren't intimated and "too careful" to FIRST try to figure out if the woman is going to like it or not.
This also gets into the topic of flirting, where one step-wise tries increasingly bold things in a context of humor to gauge reaction. But that would be a thread of its own.
"Personally, my ideal woman would be one who could play multiple roles in the bedroom, and could enjoy being dominated as well as be dominating, or various degrees in between."
Being that you know your "ideal woman" is NOT your WIFE, I am ever-confused about why you are still married.
Were there any ladies here who do prefer a non-Alpha male in bed?
Has anyone else read Just F Me What Women Want Men to Know About Taking Control in the Bedroom?
Why would a woman who prefers an alpha male in bed be able to be satisfied if the man is totally in control? I am having a hard time understanding...
This is my first post! after reading the forums for years. I had trouble getting registered because I kept trying to make my handle to similar to my username, doh.
I find most of what ssmguy has to say about women to be misogynistic, misguided (who takes Jay Leno's jokes as "evidence?"), embarrassingly juvenile, or based on self-servingly skewed perceptions.
I don't mind that you think that about me, because it's honest and I can see how you'd think that based on what I've written.
But in a kind of funny way, it also gets to a point men worry about when it comes to being an "alpha male". At this point, I feel embarrassed about some of the personal feelings I posted on this board. But a lot of men would NEVER admit to having these feelings, and feel that it is UNMANLY to admit to any feelings of insecurity. Or they would admit to only those insecurities they feel would make them look attractively "vulnerable" to women. Many men feel (and correctly so in many cases, unfortunately) that if they are too open about their inner feelings with women, they will be thought of as unmanly and sexually unattractive. Men know instinctively that the "alpha male" thing that attracts women requires some restraint and "manning up" about inner insecurities. You share some, but not everything. There's a bit of show involved, like the peacock's display of feathers.
But remember also that one's personal feelings are different from knowing what one SHOULD do with the external world and the people in it, and how what you do affects other people and their feelings. I pretty much have talked only about my feelings so far on this board.
But enough about me.
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I find there's nothing like a sensitive guy asking, "What would you like me to do...?" to kill my desire for sex in one second flat.... The alpha male, on, the other hand, is HOT.
I can answer for a lot of men by responding to that by saying, yeah, he's HOT as long as he guesses correctly what you want. I've heard many stories about women rejecting a guy just because he kissed wrong, without her giving him a chance to get it right. Yup, you can tell by just the first kiss, etc. Which results in the guy kissing new girls until he finds the one who likes his way of kissing, and SHE says he's hot because he just "knew" what she wanted. Or he tries a different way of kissing with the next girl, and SHE says he's hot because he "knew" what she wanted.
And no, I'm not being misogynistic here. Just kind of speaking for what I've heard a lot of guys say. Personally, I got praise in the kissing department, but maybe I just picked the right women.
Marriage experts frequently seem to be dispensing the advice to women that you have to speak up for what you want in bed -- men are not mind readers. I have heard of women who went through a lot of boyfriends until they found one who "knew" what they wanted. I would say to those few women, men aren't THAT rigid. Some -- believe it or not -- are open to suggestion!
Being that you know your "ideal woman" is NOT your WIFE, I am ever-confused about why you are still married.
Well, it's like some of the women I've seen on dating/advice/talk shows recently. Their "ideal" man is describe by a requirements list 100 items long, and they refuse to "settle" for a "compromise". Which explains why they're still single at 40, etc. As Oprah told one such woman on the show, the only person who meets also the requirements on her list is Jesus Christ.
My wife is quite extraordinary in many ways which I deeply appreciate. Which is why I'm still with her. Meeting all my role-playing sexual fantasies with equal enthusiasm and breadth as me was NOT a showstopper requirement when we got married. Also, as with many decades-long marriages, one's ideal often changes, at least a little. My range of sexual interests is greater now than it was when I was 25. The question is really about growing together, not just being a match at the start. Staying married for a long time can be a totally separate challenge from finding someone who's a good match at the time you marry them.
... I can answer for a lot of men by responding to that by saying, yeah, he's HOT as long as he guesses correctly what you want. I've heard many stories about women rejecting a guy just because he kissed wrong, without her giving him a chance to get it right. Yup, you can tell by just the first kiss, etc. Which results in the guy kissing new girls until he finds the one who likes his way of kissing, and SHE says he's hot because he just "knew" what she wanted. Or he tries a different way of kissing with the next girl, and SHE says he's hot because he "knew" what she wanted. ...
This kind of goes along with what I see too, like how can a woman (or man) be so outgoing, talkative, and aggressive socially, and then not want to talk about what they want sexually and clam up so tight?
And then since I haven't been able to have good sex which allows me to actually feel 'connected', how am I supposed to be able to sense and read what is wanted? I always found I can read, and sense what my W wants so much better _after_ we have ML...
What's your type? Tall, dark and handsome, with a good sense of humor? Yeah, right.
According to a new poll, women may say that's what they want, but what they really get hot for is a slightly chunky, hairy guy with a propensity to cry during movies. Or so 2,500 women told one polling firm.
The data collected by onepoll.com found that "a little stubble" is women's number one turn-on, followed by a "geeky" personality and a hairy chest. (Gray hair and crying during movies were also among the secret peccadilloes.) Women also admitted to preferring a dude who is soft and cuddly versus one who is totally ripped.
Last sex: 04/06/1997 Last attempt: 11/11/1997 W Issues "No Means No" Declaration: 11/11/1997 W chooses to terminate sex 05/1998 I gained 60, then lost 85 pounds. Start running again (marathons)
