Vacillating husband

[Vulcanized]

Thanks, Flow.

I've read thru the thread, twice actually. Still thinking about this. Unsure what, if any, goals I can accomplish in the next week. H. is back to total silence. Then again, he was last week before his epic meltdown, so it's hard to tell.

[Vulcanized]

Massive battle Fri night/Sat morn.

This may need to be a multi parter, getting ready for work & packing simultaneously.

H comes trotting in at 3 a.m. Fri. nite. Go downstairs & very, very stupidly tell him to file. I had been drinking, so I am aware that had I not been, wouldn't have done that. H had also been drinking.

Next 45 minutes involve screaming, H throwing things, H dousing me in beer, threatening to break comp monitor, breaking my office door, slapping me [only time H has raised hand to me, ever], me punching H for slapping me, calling H lying cheater about 4,000 times, H admitting to f&*king OW & saying she's much better in comparison.

H said 'I wish you were dead' x 50. H repeatedly called me a whore, says he hates me, threatened suicide, then said how that would be my fault and I would have to live w/the guilt. H says I was lousy wife, cold, all his friends hate me, all his friends 'warned' him about me, lousy housekeeper, cook, sex partner.

This is all so terrible, I'm having a hard time typing it out.

Fight started reigniting in the morning, diffused it, then talked for 2 hours.

H again talking about suicide. H referencing mutual friend who committed suicide 2 weeks before bomb and how friend had right idea. Again said to H that untreated depression has been going on for over a year, please seek help. H says he is doing things in order [d, OW, then possibly help for depression]. H again says depression is my fault, wouldn't be depressed if M/me weren't so awful.

During calm talk period, H's phone vibrates - OW's special ringtone - silent on vibrate. Get up, start going upstairs, H becomes agitated. Say to H - 'Call her back. This is the big white elephant in the room. Just call her'. H doesn't deny it. H says 'we were talking' & 'I don't want to talk to anybody'.

Come back down, H keeps talking. Listen, validate. Talk for another 90 mins. or so. Amazed that H kept OW waiting that long to return call.

Rest of day fairly calm. Leave for work, H outside walking dog. Bend down to say bye to dog and H. kisses me on mouth. Last 6 months, H has kissed me 3 times total. Tell H have a good night. Leave.

I don't know how to even begin to try to DB. Combo of depression, OW, possibly MLC. Head swimming; trying to get help moving starting tomorrow. Movers can't do anything til next week. I just don't know what to do. Seems like everything I do is wrong.

This whole thing is so insane, out of control.

[luvless]

Wow ruined....I'm not shocked at what went on. I call it MAD LOVE. Hurt on both sides and lashing out to get out hurt feelings.

I know it's not healthy what went on but I can understand. I think this happens alot more than people admit to. (and edited to put this in here...no I haven't had this happen to me) but I know it has in other relationships.

Why not just back off for now. It's all you can do. You let your "feelings" get the best of you and you know DB is to NOT react.

You took some major steps back...now move forward.

Sorry you went through that...I know it's so hard.

[luvless]

bump - need some other comments

[flowmom]

(((RNM))).

First, you must not let yourself be H's punching bag -- whether physically or otherwise. He has demonstrated violent intentions towards you and himself. You must have a plan for dealing with physical and verbal abuse. You must leave the room (or house if necessary) the minute it gets ugly to prevent this kind of thing from happening.

If you're not already, you need IC to support you while you're going through this. You need to be as strong as possible.

Men tend to externalize their depression and turn it outwards, which is why they do have a higher suicide rate. Don't try to get him to acknowledge or deal with the depression because he won't hear it from you. If you can get a friend of his to talk to him, that might be a better course of action.

I don't have experience to share with you in terms of DBing strategy, but it seems like you have to develop a serious plan of action for yourself right now.

[newmama]

Ruined, first: do not take the insults to heart. Your H was drunk AND he is depressed. Both of those conditions warp perspective, reality and cause people to do or say things they don't mean.

I agree with Flowmom- if a friend could talk to him about his depression, that would be good.

Ok but now you need to avoid him-I believe you that he never slapped you before. But beside from keeping yourself safe, you should go NC so you don't say anything you might regret and so you can detach.

[flowmom]

I agree -- go NC. Then he is alone with his crap and can't sling it at you.

[Vulcanized]

Flow, New, Luv, thank you.

H. has never, ever, ever raised a hand to me prior to this. H was extremely remorseful the following day, and I believe that this was a one time occurrence. H was extremely ashamed, and told me about prior GF's that threw dishes, hit him, etc and how he didn't react in kind. Again, it was a slap and my poor response was to punch him numerous times. H took it and did not slap, hit, threaten.

I'm afraid b/c the last time I went NC on H, he was clearly depressed when we talked again. Like my silence exacerbated his depression. I had planned on at least a month of NC, more likely 2. But in this state, now I'm not so sure if that is the best option.

I am so ashamed and confused now. I had planned on NC for 4 - 8 weeks, but now am unsure of how to proceed.
H has been confiding in our mutual friend, who apparently is no longer my friend, so I am unsure about trying to contact him.

[newmama]

What would it hurt if you contacted him in some form? He might tell your H- yeah your wife is crazy and thinks you need to get medicated for depression and it could open a conversation at least, don't you think?

This might sound cruel, but your H can use his depression to manipulate you- people with physical illnesses can do it, too. They guilt people into feeling sorry for them and taking care of them. (I talking about dysfunctional relationships like yours is right now)

[Vulcanized]

What would it hurt if you contacted him in some form? He might tell your H- yeah your wife is crazy and thinks you need to get medicated for depression and it could open a conversation at least, don't you think?

This might sound cruel, but your H can use his depression to manipulate you- people with physical illnesses can do it, too. They guilt people into feeling sorry for them and taking care of them. (I talking about dysfunctional relationships like yours is right now)

Hi NM,

I e-mailed our friend and told him I needed to talk to him. We'll see if he even responds. I suspect he won't.

H was gone most of today, came back in and has been very calm. I start moving things out in 30 mins. This whole thing is so surreal. I will be in the house for roughly another week - contingent on mover's schedule.

H is acting completely normal, like pre-bomb. Argh. Just don't even know which way to turn. H does have problem w/not assuming personal responsibility and blaming me for his feelings/thoughts. This has been common thread thru-out R/M.

Keep saying to H that I don't blame him for my feelings/thoughts/actions - lead by example, as it were. H keeps telling me that I think he ruined my life, is a terrible person, etc. Keep reassuring him that is not the case.