There are a few things that I have to plan out first. One of which is how and what to say to my girls. For the longest time I have set this expectation of standing forever. I have come to realize that it has done nothing but make me extremely miserable and hopeless feeling. I didn't realize what I was really getting myself into when I made those statements. Honestly, the killer was multiple A's. Had we just separated with no A's involved, it would be a lot easier to keep on hoping for a reconciliation. But after 18 months and multiple A's, I am worn down from it. Maybe because all I was doing was standing and not much more. I made some changes that I had to make such as kicking alcoholism to the curb, becoming a real dad, getting my spiritual life in order, etc. I still have more to take on. But that will come with more time. I'm not worried about it.
I have had some fun with this time off. I went to a couple of casinos, took my girls bowling, went to see avatar again, went to the Dallas Cowboys stadium today for a tour. That was very cool. I have been enjoying more frequent trips to starbucks lately. lol. A friend of mine asked me if I wanted to join the softball team this upcoming season. I am thinking about that. I have my bat and glove ready.
I have been looking at cars and sitting in some to see how the leg room is since I am a bit of a tall guy. I am thinking about getting a new Honda Civic as my car is 12 years old and is needing work again and I am not sure I want to put the work into it verses just getting a new car.
I found the next place I want to live which I am looking forward to unless I change my mind and go with a house. But I may just rent for one more year and put a nice sized down payment on a house.
Life is getting kind of fun again. I still have 2 weeks before my job starts so I have also been getting in some studying, but I have been balancing it with some fun.
Softball could be fun. I have never played on a team before so I may go to the batting cages this weekend and gear up some. I may request to be in the outfield at first to get into the swing of things as I may not be ready right off the bat to be up close and have a zinger heading right my way.
I am thinking about going to some baseball games in the spring here just for fun to watch and enjoy the evening.
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Unlike robx, my recent experience with the Church is that it's harder to get an annulment than it was before b/c of the appearance of it being bought as he out and out suggests. To be clear to all, we are NOT referring to legal annulments here, but to religious ones;i.e., the Church annulments, & there are huge differences. Legal annulments vary from state to state.
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Assume for the sake of argument K4, that you DO get the Church's annulment...do you worry that it means your d's are bastards? After all, if the marriage was never valid, they were born out of wedlock...
25, no. I am not worried about this. It doesn't affect their outcome in life or spirituality choices. And from my reading and understanding, this actually isn't the case at all. Here is a link that adds explanation to that.
You've made references to some sort of "secret weapon" you have for the annulment and since I don't know what that is, and no one else does, we can't say much on that...But Unlike Robx, I do not believe you can bribe your way around the Catholic church in America these days and besides, if I know you at all K4, you are not the "bribe the church" type of guy...
LOL. That is funny with the secret weapon. Actually, I have posted the situation before. But here it is. According to my priest... the fact that my W was a confirmed catholic when we got married and the fact that we did not marry in a catholic church by a priest leaves the door open that our M was not valid in the eyes of the church. This is because once you become a confirmed catholic, then you are subject to the laws of the church which require you to be married by a priest and have the sacraments placed on your M. That never happened with us. There are also a few additional things that could also play into it.
But as you stated and know me well enough, I am not into bribery. My biggest thing was if I do this, I want it to be valid. I am not looking to abuse the system as some do. I couldn't live with that. I have to know for sure that I am legitimate in my request to look at an annulment if I go through with this. I don't want it granted unless it truly is legitimate. As long as it is legitimate, that eases my concious. Even my priest said there are no guarantees the church will rule that way. I understand this. And I don't want them to rule something that is anything less than truly valid.
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Anyhow, my goal in the question was really aimed at both possibilities-they DO give you one, which leads me to wonder how you frame it for your d's? Or they say "NO", and then what do you do?
Yes, as I stated above, how I frame it for my girls has really been weighing on my mind. My daughters don't know the word annulment yet or anything about it. All they know til this point is D.
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If it were me, JUST ME and not saying this fits all...I would not pursue the annulment b/c IF it worked, my fears would center around having my children characterized as being conceived in anything but love, (i.e., I do not want them to be considered "bastards") and 2nd, if the Church said NO, I guess I wouldn't care very much b/c I'd live my life knowing I gave it my all, and that God knows this.
The reason I am looking at annulment is because I want to do it right if I go forward with this. I don't want to constantly live with questions about is it legitimate or not.
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And I'd date again if I felt like it, but I'd sure be careful...with my heart and my children's...and if the Church says there was no marriage is that good for the d's b/c then they'll think "a real m" would not have had problems? I mean I don't know exactly why you are doing this...what's the goal? IS it that it'll answer a question for you internally OR is it that you want permission to date, or both?
Honestly, it is both. I do want the question of is my M valid or not answered. And at some point, I would also like to date again. Right now I am having fun. But eventually, it would be great to have a full fledged family again. And this time, I can be the real H I should have been all along. As far as my girls thinking fantasy about a valid M not having problems, that won't be the case. They will be raised with the knowledge that M's have problems valid or not. I just don't want them to be raised with the belief that you handle them the way my W has handled it. And I don't want them raised thinking it is ok to have a H do the things wrong that I did.
My kids were conceived out of love. Ok, maybe D12 was a lust event. But before she was conceived, we had already planned on getting married. Her conception didn't change what was already in the plans. But neither of my kids were one night stands. There was a real R there when both were conceived. But also, when we got M, according to everything I believed and knew at the time, we were doing it right outside the fact that D12 was on the way. But I didn't know anything of how it works with the catholic church. So I can honestly say if anyone questions my kids legitimacy that I went with what I truly knew and believed at the time and in my opinion, that is good enough for me and hopefully good enough for my girls.
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Guess I'm saying "be careful what you wish for" and really think it out. But your fatigue with the sitch is human and understandable. We get it k4, we do. (I bet God gets it too, btw.)
It is not what I wished for. It is not what I wanted. And if my W came to me now and actually had some sort of revelation and told me she wanted to try on the M again, I would at least think it over and probably agree to at least try. But at the same time, she would have to agree to certain things being changed if we are to give it a real try such as no secrets, open and honest about everything, eliminate past OM period. No more contact with them. Certain basic things to start building trust back in a M. And I would see how it went from there. It would be hard to get past the multiple A's she had. It would take a lot of work on my part to fully trust her again and I don't know how long that would take.
Yes, I am fatigued by the whole thing now. I don't see much hope for it coming back around and I can't live my life based around hope anymore. I think my W has gone so far off the deep end that it would truly take a miracle to bring her back around and I don't know that, that is what God has in store. I'm not saying he doesn't. I just don't know anymore and I haven't seen any signs that it is. I think that I was grasping at straws for signs before.
Let me just reiterate. I am leaning heavily towards this. I haven't set a date or made a final decision yet. But I am very much leaning towards it. I have a few things I need to decide and clear up first before I go forward with it. But I am feeling more and more like pushing on through with it and finalizing it.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...