Vacillating husband

[Vulcanized]

The WAS mindset is fantasy (lifelong friends with spouse, GF, no consequences). The quickest fantasy they drop is the lifelong friends one.. the affair usually "wins".

CG, absolutely. H. is very, very foggy, it seems. I'm taking the hard line w/him. I think he is starting to get that if he chooses GF he looses W. What comes next? I haven't the foggiest ...

[CityGirl]

rs22 - my H's affair/GF has always been very aggressive in her pursuit of my H. Once she found out my stance she became more aggressive and controlling in regard to my H.

In fact, not all that long ago she had to be removed from her position at work and sent to another area of the company (in the same building) as she was calling my H on his work phone up to 40 times a day and hanging around his desk so much. My H was unwilling to put a stop to it so his boss did. Pathetic.

[Vulcanized]

rs22 - my H's affair/GF has always been very aggressive in her pursuit of my H. Once she found out my stance she became more aggressive and controlling in regard to my H.

In fact, not all that long ago she had to be removed from her position at work and sent to another area of the company (in the same building) as she was calling my H on his work phone up to 40 times a day and hanging around his desk so much. My H was unwilling to put a stop to it so his boss did. Pathetic.

Yikes. OW sounds totally loco. Why is your H so ineffectual?

[CityGirl]

Ruined... if your H chooses his affair then what comes next is the dissolution of your marriage. Plain and simple. Not easy but the best way to go.

They may or may not have lifelong consequences for that choice and if they do have any consequences (more than the short term ones of exposure, asset loss, loss of full custody, legalities) chances are you won't ever know it. And eventually you will have to learn to be okay with that.

But no, anybody that tries to be friends with a WAS that cheated is really foolish IMO.

[CityGirl]

Because my H lives his life on the surface and when things get to be too much for him he runs and shuts down and lets everybody else deal with it.

As long as his ego is being stroked, he is getting sex and is having fun then all things important are left to somebody else.

Sadly my H is one of the few people in the world that seems to be able to create a very good life and somehow find people (friends, family, co-workers) that validate this behavior and enable it. His boss was tired of it but my H brings in several million dollars a month of business for the company on a monthly basis so he got his way.

My H always gets his way. When he doesn't he somehow always comes out okay with minimal discomfort.

[Vulcanized]

but also to try and stop reading H's behavior. Do you have your goals - what are they? Post them here and then we can help you evaluate his responses based on your goals - action oriented review. The rest is just speculation.

T

Goals from beginning of Jan, decided & written down before moving back:

• See H smile / laugh / be silly again
• H act affectionate
• H initiates conversation
• H does little nicities for me

Reality: 1st & 2nd I did see. H was both with pets, not me. Few hugs, initiated by me, one kiss, also initiated by me. H. clutched / pulled me back when I tried to break away, every time. Stopped initiating any physical contact 3 weeks ago, when I made decision to move.

3rd & 4th, did see, directed at me. H initiated a few chatty, non R/M conversations. I participated, ended first. H. initiated bunch of R/M talks. Participated, tried to validate. Ended a few of those first. F'd up a few times, fought, brought up OW, etc. H has done favors, picked up boxes & tape for me [didn't ask him to, mention it]. H. does my dishes, makes full pot of coffee on days when I didn't sleep there, even though he'd only drink 1/2 pot normally.

Goals until moving:

• Throw a monkey wrench in H's A
• Plant as much doubt as possible in H's mind
• Convince H I'm done not the sure thing he thinks I am. That I'm not waiting for him any longer
• Make H suspect OM/competition

1st goal: don't say much about it, except for the few fights about it. Told H I'm done lying to cover his a$$. Keep thought front & center of my brain: OW is beneath me; OW has more to do w/H than me; at some point, H will stop denying to himself that OW set out to destroy our M seduced / lured H away while saying 'I don't want to be a home wrecker' & cheated [still is?] on her BF. H. has major issues w/cheating. Ironic, no??? Placed free ad in back of local weekly paper for OW. Vague enough that if she sees it, may think it is for her - sorta like 'missed connections' on Craigslist. Says 'are you sure he doesn't lie to you? Do you think we don't ML? Did he tell you that he begged me to stay?' Totally untrue, however, should she see it, and think it was for her, could cause a big blowout for the lovebirds. Since I've been completely unable to bust this A, this seemed like a way to create some problems. Also wrote it in such a way that I can deny, deny, deny should H say anything.

2nd: PMA. When I do cry, it is very very quiet, locked in office. H hasn't seen it, try to make sure H can't hear it either. H has heard me talking about new apt, being excited about moving, being excited about future. Need to put tighter rein on expressing anger when talking about future, sitch, OW, etc.

3rd: Tied closely to 2nd. GAL, dress nice, do makeup, do hair, dj'ed last night. Used to have monthly event when H & I first met. Started that back up 4 months ago. Did it last night. Left office door wide open, did make-up at desk, wearing sexy top. H back & forth, saw what I was wearing. H. prolly heard me on phone w/BFF, talking about it. Suspect H knows what I did. Didn't come home last night, again. H. heard me leave w/her last night, so he may think I spent the night at her house.

4th: phone/comp. both on lock down. Will laugh when reading/responding to texts in front of H, then immediately erase. Haven't come home 4 times in last month. Alluded to meeting someone new in journal [true], but confused, taking things slow [also true]. Taking things slow actually means 'back off pal, I'm in no shape for any of this', but H doesn't know that.

Future goals:

• NC for at least a month
• Go on dates - no sex, just coffee, movies, museums, etc
• Let the smallness of this city work for me - eventually will run into his/our friends while out
  
• Hope A runs out of steam, and am still willing to try
• Hope OW exerts pressure - her lease up end of May, I'm moving out of the house, kinda hope she pushes to move in here
  
• Continue trying to better self
  
• Reconnect w/H as friends
  
• ????

Any other good ideas of goals I should work toward?

I do feel kinda evil / f*&ked up w/some of these. Seems like psychological warfare in some ways. I'm not a game-player normally, but in war for M/H, seems like I have to be.

[flowmom]

Feedback on your new goals:

If you're trying to set goals as in the goals in DR, I would recommend that the goals be something small and measurable. They would some kind of response from your H that would confirm that you're on the right track and might be expected to occur in one or two weeks.

If you meant them as goals in the broad sense, they look fine.

[newmama]

RuinedNoMore, I just got caught up with your thread...uhmm all I can say is "full speed ahead!" You are sounding like a "Babe In Total Control of Herself" (borrowed from Why Men Love Bitches, recommended to me from Flowmom-clearly you don't need to read the book!And I mean that as a compliment!)

I want to add that I recommend you don't set a timeline for when the A will end... You can set one for yourself, but I really think that once you start dating, you'll lose track of the time!

And how impressive that you "DJ" on the side!

[Vulcanized]

Feedback on your new goals:

If you're trying to set goals as in the goals in DR, I would recommend that the goals be something small and measurable. They would some kind of response from your H that would confirm that you're on the right track and might be expected to occur in one or two weeks.

If you meant them as goals in the broad sense, they look fine.

Hi Flow,

I have no idea of what sort of goals to set regarding H/M during the last week or so living w/H. Reviewing future goals after moving, I would like:

• NC for at least a month
• Go on dates - no sex, just coffee, movies, museums, etc
• Let the smallness of this city work for me - eventually will run into his/our friends while out
  
• Hope A runs out of steam, and am I am still willing to try
• Hope OW exerts pressure - her lease up end of May, I'm moving out of the house, kinda hope she pushes to move in here
  
• Continue trying to better self
  
• Reconnect w/H as friends
  
• Volunteer work
• Go back to school
  
• ????
  

Now I need to figure out goals that relate directly to H/M. Most of these goals are centered around me. Not necessarily a bad thing, but maybe not as conducive to rebuilding M as I'd like.

RuinedNoMore, I just got caught up with your thread...uhmm all I can say is "full speed ahead!" You are sounding like a "Babe In Total Control of Herself" (borrowed from Why Men Love Bitches, recommended to me from Flowmom-clearly you don't need to read the book!And I mean that as a compliment!)

I want to add that I recommend you don't set a timeline for when the A will end... You can set one for yourself, but I really think that once you start dating, you'll lose track of the time!

And how impressive that you "DJ" on the side!

Hi Newmama,

That book is actually on my list of stuff to read. Thanks! Due to my line of work, being 'assertive' [bitchy] is a job requirement so I'm pretty comfortable cracking the whip when necessary.

As for H's A/OW, absolutely. I hope it ends soon, but I'm really not counting on it. I hope that I'm not totally done w/H & M by the time that it happens, but I guess that is the risk that H chose to take.

[flowmom]

RNM, read the chapter in DR on goals. Here's a thread to work on them if you haven't already seen it:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1939171#Post1939171

Oh, and the Bitches book might be different than what you're expecting...