Next steps

[talia]

Hi Aver

I think your "terms" seem reasonable and clear headed. Just be sure its what you really want - don't give up unless you are sure! Don't feel like you HAVE to give up because you might lose either. You can always start out fighting and settle for those terms instead.

Maybe its time to share your sitch with a work friend?? You won't be able to hide it forever - honestly - and it might help you more than you THINK it will right now. When my H left my biggest biggest fear was people finding out - ANYONE. As I started to - very slowly - spill the beans I actually felt better about the situation. It was no longer the elephant in the room everywhere I went. Only you can decide where your boundaries are with that... but I ask you... What's the worst that could happen if they did find out???

One of the things I learned in therapy - one that has helped me alot - is to FULLY play out that question. Sit down and write out the ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY MOST HORRIBLE TERRIBLE NO GOOD THING... be EXTREME.. I mean over the top... HONEST.

Then go back and read what you wrote... do this as many times as it takes for you to realize how funny it actually is. Your worst fears almost never come true ... I don't know if it would help you... but its helped me...

T

[blownaway65]

^^^^^^^

What Tal said!!!

Once things are in the open you will invariably find that what you thought would happen is way worse than what does.

[avermont]

Thanks, again.

I will start out fighting and see how things go.

One thing I thought this morning: I don't want my life decided by complete strangers. By some judge and some "assessors" assessing my life and my "deserving/not deserving" the house. I guess it is meant to be the impartial eye of justice, but at the moment it feels like handing my life over to someone else to decide. If there is a way to keep fighting up and until court--and then fold or hold--I will see. Well, that is what my lawyer is for tomorrow.

Re: work knowing. There is no bad thing that would happen. I like the exercise of taking it to the extreme! I will try that next time. I just DON'T want to share this part of my life with my co-workers. OK--I'll SAY it--because I feel like a FAILURE and a F**K-UP. And I don't want their pity. Two co-workers are a married couple. She is the vortex of evil--a truly terrible person. He used to be terrible, but in recent years has become a pretty decent person. We all actually feel a bit sorry for him, married to her. Anyhow, in my shame and humiliation ( I know, I have nothing to be ashamed of) I think--if THEY could keep their lousy rotten marriage together--how could I fail so miserably!!

I have been able to spill all this fear, rage, tears, etc., to friends, both close and not so close. But work--nope. Keep it separate. Of course, now they all know, but I don't have to talk about it. One day it will be easier, and I will. Not now.

I have a coaching session with a The Work facilitator tomorrow. The session on Monday was pretty intense. I hope this is a helpful process for me. Will let you know.

[avermont]

And now-- a poem.

I memorized this in high school, suffering over some heartbreak or another. Funny how that pain just sort of pales in comparison, huh? Anyhow, I have always carried this in my head. Had to look it up to get the last line.

I have lost you, and Iost you fairly, in my own way, and with my full consent.
Say what you will, kings in a tumbril rarely went to their deaths more bravely than this one went.

Some nights of apprehension and hot weeping I will confess. But that's permitted me.

Day dried my eyes. I was not one for keeping rubbed in a cage a wing that would be free.

Had I loved you less, or played you slyly, I might have held you for a summer more.

But at the cost of words I value highly, and no such summer as the one before.

Should I outlive this anguish--and men do-- I will have only good to say of you.

Edna St. Vincent Millay

[flowmom]

Aver, I understand the feeling of shame at people knowing. I find the social dimension of it pretty unpleasant. Even the people who want to help and support me...unless they are one of about 2 people who I would really bare my soul to, they can't really help me.

I'm intrigued by your work with The Work facilitator and would love to read about your experiences with it. I would consider doing that myself...

[avermont]

Doing The Work with the Facilitator was THE most painful therapy I have done. The amount of weeping is impressive.

Thought for tonight: she (o/w) has taken over my whole life.
an hour and a box of kleenex later:
She has taken (well, she didn't kidnap him, he went willingly) one guy.(who's going bald, I might add)
She didn't take my job. My friends. My work with the rescue squad. My work with the opera house. My running. My cats. My sister.

It was a tough hour. But I think worth it.

I didn't realize it, but The Work website has a helpline. So you can call and get help walking thru the questions for free. I might have to check that out.

[avermont]

Today was full of next steps.

Embrace the suck.

Went to look at three houses. My timber-framer friend--the one who suggested building me an adorable little bungalow in the tear-down--went with me.

The first, a duplex, actually wasn't so bad. Not as terrible as I thought it would be.

The tear down is just a junk pile. Needs a wrecker, so only there really to assess the area. I started to cry. And my friend stood behind me and put his hands on my shoulders. And I couldn't believe how good that felt. That I haven't been touched in 7 months. This guy is a great friend, we have hiked, and rockclimbed, and swum--always friends, nothing more--and his hands on my shoulders were so warm and comforting.

The third house was really fabulous. Great shape, cute, but on the wrong end of town--traffic, trucks, semi-commercial developement.

Then back to the house to get the moving-cost assessment.

Then wept for awhile. Roomie came down and we talked about my sitch for the first time.

Then to the lawyers. You know you are in rough shape when your L looks at you and says: is the therapy helping at all??! But she helped me look at the path forward again. Was a little less negative about my chances in court. But still the best option is to settle outside of court.

She helped with two tasks: To write an email tonight (soon!) saying: I don't have an answer to your proposal to buy me out yet. I will by March 3rd (this so I can get thru town meeting without him being mad that I haven't responded to his Feb 28th deadline, OR responded with "hell no! I'll buy you out!" And then she wrote out the brief note I will send him with: I offer to buy you out.

And then work for a few hours.

And then crying with The Work facilitator for an hour.

Even my weight-lifting workout wasn't very satisfying this morning.

And no-one has offered to posse up with me for Town Meeting.

What a day! And I still have to write that first email to X.

S**t.

Embrace it.

It is what it is.

[mindfull]

Aver -

Well, that WAS a sucky day!!!!!

HUGS, FRIEND!

[flowmom]

The whole day took a lot of courage (((aver))).

Thanks for describing The Work facilitation. I think I'd like to try that.

[pearlharbr]

Just a quick stop--sorry your day sucked big time too!

You're second assessment of OW is correct. She took your man and she'll always have to wonder if he'll cheat on her too.

Gotta get to bed. Hope tomorrow is better!