I guess I am ambivalent about wanting to save my marriage. My story is similar to many others on here. I have been married 4 1/2 years.. together 10 years. My husband always showed signs of depression...strange mood swings. But I was able to overlook this stuff... because when he was 'normal'..he was great and he made me very happy. May08 I started sensing something was not quite right. He seemed more distant.. I checked his phone and of course found a strange text message saying 'meet me there'. Without going into detail- he said she was just a secretary (that I never heard of) at work that needed help with a resume. My husband started working at a new firm 2 years prior to this. It was a big blow-up but he was able to convince me that nothing was going on. The next year I spent suspicious..then about a year later..I got the 'I am not happy'. I provided him with the support that any devoted wife would provide.. 'do you want to switch jobs'..'do you want to go back to school'..'whatever you want- I will support you'. He was behaving so strange. About 3 weeks later.. I found a cell phone with intimate text messages. My world collapsed..but I also felt relieved. I knew something was going on but I just couldn't prove anything. It was the secretary at work..2 kids with 2 different fathers...never married...2 extramarital affairs within his office... WTF??? I am simplifying all of this right now.. but I chose to forgive him after him pleading and crying. I spent the next 6 months trying to make changes to make myself happy and the two of us were really doing lots of fun things together and I felt like we were moving forward. We have no children. We both have great jobs and have the luxury of going on great vacations and nice dinners out all the time (just recently). We really were enjoying life. Then I started noticing a difference again. I had my husband send a No Contact letter to her..they still worked together. We went to Italy for vacation.. had a fantastic time.. but when we got back I just felt like something again was not right. He promised that he didnt even talk to her.. I am not proud of this..but I stuck a tape recorder in his bag because I was not convinced. Right before T-giving 09- the tape revealed a flirtatious conversation and again I was devastated. I spent 6 months trying to forgive him. I had been seeing a therapist about how to be more forgiving and get over my anger.. and he betrayed me again. I was truly crushed. I kicked him out of the house...I was a wreck. My husband wanted to work things out.. said he needed to get help for his problems. He slept on the couch and was severely depressed. He told me that it was over with the secretary but I didnt believe him. I left for a few days. He cried and said we were going to make it through this. I taped him on Christmas eve again.. and I heard her thanking him for her Christmas gift. Crushed once again!!!!! I just didnt get it. I finally insisted that he leave the house. He wouldnt leave so I left for a week.. and then his family convinced him that he should be the one to leave.. so we discussed that he would get an apartment for 3 months. I am leaving out so many details but there really is way too much to type. I am now in month 2 of our separation. My husband has been acting so bizarre and I am just so confused. Part of me wants to work on saving my marriage... but he has been ambivalent. But jealous and such BIZARRE behavior. I just dont know what to think. He acts like the victim. We had a good marriage... and had a good life... If this were not the case.. it would be so easy for me to walk away.. But he was my best friend- we biked, ran, hiked, vacationed, watched football together etc..etc..etc.. He began seeing a counselor..he relayed to me recently that his counselor said that his marriage or his wife did not make him behave this way.. it is his unhappiness in life.. and a man tries to deal with this kind of unhappiness by acting out in this crazy way. OK...so now what??? this is where we left off. He doesnt want to talk about this kind of stuff much.. and I havent pushed... but I am young (just turned 34) and wonder if I should just cut my losses and move on. I am in very good spirits..a pretty upbeat person..love to laugh and have a good time. I am an attractive woman and take very good care of myself. I hate that i am in this situation. I am not a religious person.. but do believe in marriage and commitment. what is a woman to do? I just want to be happy... I love to smile. Do I stick this craziness out?
