I saw this post on another forum. This is from a wife who isn't attracted to her husband and she is struggling to figure out "why". To me, she is describing the non-alpha male behaviors that can be such a turn off to a woman, and that is why she isn't sexually attracted to him. I'm going to bold some of her statements to hi-light the non-alpha behaviors.

"When I met my husband 4 years ago, I felt I finally met someone that wasn't selfish. Felt it was an equal relationship. Didn't feel like I had to do all the giving. We were very attracted to each other and best of friends. We are both Christians and wanted to wait till after marriage before having sex and in the beginning it was very hard to keep those boundaries, but we did. We had both had sexual relationships in the past, but wanted to wait this time. Then about 5-6 months into the relationship I started to realise it was easier to keep the physical boundaries and I started to wonder if I was losing my attraction for him. It was strange for me because I am usually the opposite and have a very high libido. At the same time I was starting to notice that he allowed people to take advantage of his kindness, but I told myself that it was better for someone to be too nice than be too selfish and it was probably just my unhealthy past relationships that I was used to.

After a year of going out I noticed that it was like a switch was turned off inside of me and I had no desire for sex with him. Which was convenient at the time as we were waiting till after marriage. I was concerned, but I honestly thought maybe God was giving me strength to restrain myself. I also thought maybe because I'm being loved so well, that maybe that fulfilled me enough so I didn't desire sex as much. I was also going through a lot of stress. I just hoped and believed it would probably return when we got married. But we got married and it didn't. In fact just after we got married I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism. When we had tried to have sex it was painful, which is a new experience for me as I have never found it painful. But I realise now that I was not at all aroused, so of course it was painful. When I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism I thought that must be the reason for the lack of libido.

However, I have been in remission for over a year now and my libido never returned. I was checked out physically and everything is working fine. However, we can't have sex because I'm not aroused no matter how hard I try and its just painful (lubs are not enough). We have now been married for 2 years and I have only just discovered that I think my lack of arousal is due to my lack of attraction for my husband and due to being in denial about him being "too nice". It's hard to be angry and resentful with someone who is just so nice to you and does everything in their power to make you happy. I kept pushing my true feelings down because I felt guilty for thinking such horrible things and thought it was just because I was used to selfish guys and didn't know how to appreciate being loved properly. However, the more I saw him allow people to take advantage of his kindness and the more I saw him avoiding conflict, the more I started to see him as a wimp, demasculated and I was losing respect for him.
Anyway, I started to feel like I had to take the leadership role in the family, and that if something needed confronting I would probably be the one to do it. Which doesn't come naturally to me as it is. I also felt like he treated me like a princess and put me up on a pedestal, so I doubted his ability to hold me accountable and challenge me. I was becoming bored as well and didn't feel like he was showing me his real self. I was feeling unsafe wondering whether he would have the guts to stand up for his family. He always said he would confront a situation if it really needed it, but it seemed more like he would do it if it was really bad and he had to. But I don't want to live like that. Only confronting things when the situation is so bad it forces you too. I don't feel safe with always taking life the easy way, avoiding conflict as much as possible, peace at all cost!! I respect an assertive life.

I have been honest with my husband and told him exactly how I feel. He was very hurt and I hated hurting him. He is willing to do whatever it takes to work things out, which is great. We are currently going through an assertive workbook together and also receiving counseling. I'm hoping that if we both learn to be assertive then we might be able to meet in the middle somewhere. I might not hate his lack of assertiveness as much if I can trust myself to be assertive, and if I can trust him to be assertive then maybe I will be able to fall in love with him again.

I'm sorry this has been such a long post. But I was wondering if anyone else has been were we are and maybe are on the other side? It is such a scary feeling losing your attraction for your partner. Is it possible to fall in love again? Its hard to imagine from this position. Also, I lost my attraction so soon into the relationship. Is that a sign that it might not be possible to fall in love again as I fell in love with who I thought he was instead of who he was?"

Last edited by DanceQueen; 02/26/10 03:20 AM.