Many older children get VERY angry when a MLC'er not only goes into tunnel, but starts acting out of character, doing many things that are the "opposite" of what is normally expected.
The relationship between the grown children children and the MLC'er is between them...doesn't have anything to do with you at all. If you step between, and are seen by the MLC'er, the focus will come back to you as being at fault for coming between him and the children against him, thereby increasing the justification for his actions. Never mind he's wrong for what he's doing.
My son was 15, and a very angry young man. My husband tried to act as if things were not wrong, at least when he was with son; and son did NOT understand what was up with that...all he could see was that I was being mistreated. I don't know for sure if they ever had words on the subject..son never said and I never asked; I learned early on that I was NOT responsible for making sure their relationship was intact. Son was old enough to decide that on his own; and it wouldn't have mattered what I said to my husband..he'd do whatever he wanted to do, when he wanted to do it..and that was that.
This was completely out of my hands, and I let it go.
I had a long talk with son about what was going on, reminding him that no matter what his dad did, he was still son's dad. I gently encouraged him to try and connect back with his dad...but I also reminded him that it did NOT mean that his dad's behavior was right. I also told son that it was up to him; and I would stand behind him whatever he chose.
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Do you know if this behaviour will slow down the long MLC process as H is severely depressed or have no effect?
I cannot say for sure if it would slow down the process, I didn't see any difference in my husband's progress in the tunnel, though son was on him sometimes for his behavior; and his "getting on him" was more in looks than words, and you KNOW looks can kill..and my husband saw that; was hurt by it more than once. But, amazingly, that didn't stop my husband from still chasing son; always trying to forge a relationship with him.
I also know this: Actions have consequences, and sometimes those consequences come in the form of their own children pulling away. To some it doesn't make any difference, and it hurts some. I think it really depends on the strength of the husband's determination to go their own way, and to what extent the feelings of the children matter to the MLC'er. Sometimes the children can be a catalyst, sometimes not...it's a crap shoot, as MLC always is.
Your daughter is 19 years old, LA..she is of an age to decide how she chooses to react to her dad.
She is very hurt at the moment, and the anger coming out of her is from that hurt. That is why she finds it difficult to control her reaction to him. She's also very frustrated having troubles understanding why this is happening. She thinks, like so many people do, that things are just not supposed to be this way...and she's totally blaming him..and she's correct in that assessment, as he IS the one who's torn the family apart.
All you can do is be there for her, just like you're already doing; and listen to her vent. In the end, it will not matter who did what or who said what; unfortunately, your husband will have the final say as to whether he comes back to you or not.
Better to change what you can change/influence and leave the rest to the Lord to take care of; as He knows what's best.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
