Uh Oh...Pam hasn't popped in to say hi, she must be pissed I let the party go so wild last night...sorry!!!
Hope everyone had a blast...I only have a moment to update so I may not make it over to see what's going on today.
Here's the dream I woke with this morning:
Shabby’s Back
CJ and I are living in the shabby apartment…it’s like he’s gotten the place without me being aware of it, it’s my first time seeing it.
As always, at first it doesn’t seem so bad, but then the shabbiness gets louder and louder and louder. I’d sitting on the minimum 30 year old couch, cushions all crushed, springs sprung, stains all over…and I say to CJ…Well we ARE going to bring our good furniture over here right?
CJ says NO…it’s as it is. I try to tell him our other stuff is 10X nicer but her won’t listen to me, won’t hear it. I get infuriated and have had enough. I look him in the face and scream “I WANT A DIVORCE!!!”
He looks at me with those stranger’s eyes from last year and says….FINE.
Somehow now he is gone and I go to lock the front door of this place. Again it is flimsy wood, thin, with a slide-bolt lock mechanism hanging on a rusty hinge…the hinge itself looks like one decent kick and it would fly off.
I feel unsafe, scared, anxious.
Thoughts:
Things seemed pretty good yesterday until later in the evening. CJ was working on his assignments so I bb’d. Around midnight he walked by and said “I need some fresh air, I’m going for a walk”
I was a bit taken aback for a couple of reasons:
1) He hasn’t taken a walk in months 2) It’s cold out 3) Last year his “walks” were finding a place to call OW
But I just shook my head and figured the assignment was tougher than he thought, or he was blocked and just needed to move. He was back shortly.
A while after that I checked in on him to find him not working, but watching T.V. I asked him about the assignment, and to me his answer was cool and dismissive. He said “I haven’t been working on that for about an hour” (from before his walk)
(I DID wonder if he resented me being on the bb and probably clearly having fun)
So I went to the bathroom thinking I’d join him in the living room, but when I got back there he was back on his laptop. So I scanned the channels…nothing good on…so I came back here.
In about another hour I went to get more water and looked in to find him back to watching T.V. He stayed awake much later than usual last night.
I went to bed after 3, he was still up…so I went and kissed him goodnight…no ILY…so I said it first, and he mumbled it back….he looked surprised that I said it first???
So I suppose all of this just gelled into doubts and concerns about our M which are symbolized by this shabby apartment….this is probably dream #35 in the series.
He’s outside stacking leaves onto the flowerbeds as the snow did melt.
hi Shiny...just popping in to say "hi"...sorry about your dream..but it was just that...really means nothing...
you have been so great to visit me.I feel so overwhelmed with the friendship and support that everyone gives here...through the good times and the bad...we need to count all these blessings
It's sound as though the evening leading up to that dream was filled with some pretty powerful triggers for you. Under other circumstances, CJ's activities might be viewed as a "no biggy". But considering the past, I can see how that impacted you.
The question here is "what REAL significance did CJ's behavior have in today's climate?" No doubt you have asked yourself this question and perhaps continue to be chased by it.
Isn't it awful how something like this tends to place everything back under the microscope for us.
There is a good chance that it all had nothing to do with what you may be fearing. It may just be a case of "itchy butt" as a fellow DBer so aptly labeled these unnerving occurances.
I posted the fun details of the party (or some of them!) on the party thread.
Hoping, sorry, but dreams DO have meaning...it's a hobby of ours. I know you probably meant it's no prediction and that's quiet true. But as Tal said it was spurred by the undercurrents and triggers of the night before.
Here is some journalling about further undercurrents from yesterday:
Had some fun moments getting ready for the party …
So why then when I was all done up and CJ was looking me over, did I feel NOT like a sexy kitti kat, but like I was under inspection and that he felt some aspects of the costume were too sexy and did NOT approve. (There was a whole time period when his jealousy was a HUGE issue)
I wore kitti ears, a bow tie, a black tank top, the opera length fingerless gloves from my 11th grade theatre arts class… my black dress pants, black jacket (basically an outfit I teach in). Stapled the tail to the tags in my pants.
It was weird, awkward…he looked me over…said I’d done a good job with the makeup, he might have said "looks great". People, am I just crazy to expect a little “va va voom, kittie, you’re hot!!!”
I mean I DID get some of that from my pals at the party, but not from CJ. Then at the party I followed him into the bathroom (which is just curtained off from the main room, interesting house) and tried to sneak in a few kisses… .How can I explain this? You know how it is when you want a KISS and your partner purses their lips and gives you a buss, not once, but twice??? Him physically pushing me away could not have sent a clearer message.
Then much later in the evening I’d been chatting with the group in the kitchen, CJ was picking out tunes in the living room, I wandered back in and he said “I thought you were looking for me” . Apparently, some time earlier I’d wandered in saying I was looking for him, and then wandered out again?
Very possible, but he seemed rather put out. Folks there are only two rooms in this place (although large)…could he not have sought me out if there was confusion??
Then when we were about to leave the first time…CJ was driving…I suppose I let a little disappointment show and said to H…”Apparently we’re leaving now, CJ just headed out to the kitchen”(near the door to leave).
Next thing I know (I’m all gathered up, jacket on, purse, drink nearly done) CJ has a beer in his hand and is sitting on the couch. So I look askance of him and he says something like this, in a rather unpleasant tone:
“Well I was told I was rushing out and you weren’t ready to leave”….OKAY, so H followed him out an lured him back to the party…but it was real clear he was ticked at me for suggesting that he wanted to leave before I did. (Like he was being a party pooper ).
So we eventually get in the car…total silence…he doesn’t even want the radio on. I ask him if H lured him back, what did she say? She’d repeated what I’d said, but played it up to CJ (I reminded him that she’s REAL GOOD at that!!)…After a few comments from me…about the snow, the road, the fox that ran across it…and NOTHING from him, I just shut up.
Now the thing is folks, CJ is always getting on me for NOT telling him right away when things bother me. But I don’t think he sees that he does the very same thing at times!! He is rather gruff today.
So yes, he was driving (I told him all of this in the car before silence prevailed) and it should be HIS decision when he wants to leave. I WAS all ready to go!! I’m just grateful that he drove us there, as I have such terrible night vision I couldn’t have done it myself.
I don’t know, folks. I had a GREAT time at the party, I’m pretty sure CJ did too, but what’s with all of these undercurrents???
Uggh... the bad vibes are still going around over here in piecing. Been reading it all day!
Come on back for the hay ride. Have the hay mostly loaded on the wagon and the sun is going to give us a beautiful sunset to start off in this evening!!!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
All I got to say is, " It must be the sign of the moon" I know how you feel. My H was acting strange yesterday, also. Like he was somewhere else, but hey, maybe it wasn't him, maybe it was me being sensitive! LOL
…
(There was a whole time period when his jealousy was a HUGE issue) 
.How can I explain this? You know how it is when you want a KISS and your partner purses their lips and gives you a buss, not once, but twice???