Struggling with Hope

[ericmsant2]

Bill - You are right I must let go of her. I have to tell you though this is hard. I really love this women and feel like I totally f this one up. You pretty much hit the nail on the head when you said that I am still trying everything possible to fix and save my M. Ss usual you are right - I can’t fix it.

I’m pressing with the kids – I’m doing so much soul searching that quite frankly I do not even know who the hell I am anymore. I’m not even sure how to find who I want to be. I acknowledge that I totally lost myself in this M. Part of me want to say F-it and just go and live my life in peace. This sh*t is really hard.

I acknowledge that I am controlling. I acknowledge that I can be paralyzed by fear. I feel short changed by all of this. I feel like I have been crapped on. I just hurt. I feel helpless and depressed. Not only did I lose my W I lost a whole family.

Every one say to go GAL…Well, I need to find the balance to do this. I can tell my W sees some of the changes but she knows that they are an attempt to win her back. I have tied to help out around the house but every time I do something I kind of go overboard with it. I was always one to help – always helped with dishes, etc. The biggest problem is that I took her for granted and I tried to control her. How then can I possibly show her that I no longer take her for granted? I feel like sitting her not saying a word is doing nothing. I feel like sitting here while she is off having her fun is totally f up.

I so want to go up to the guy that she is having an EA and beat the living…well you know – but everyone tells me not to confront her about it. I do understand why but I still feel I need to say something to her to let her know that I do not appreciate it.

I think I know my W and I can tell you that 9 times out of 10 once she makes up her mind she’s done. You guys tell me to act as if….well if I was to act as if – I would pack up my [censored] and call it a day. Sorry guys I really just pissed and frustrated.

I need to rethink if I can do this. At a min. I need to really GAL and take my balls back cause right now I am operating completely out of fear and she can smell. If she gonna file then F – it go ahead.

Her day off and she goes out…I’m home doing all the stuff she did not do. This freaking sucks.